John Dies At The End Page #3

three quarters,

a nickel, three pennies.

The pennies are dated

Well, I'll be damned.

That's a neat trick,

Mr. Wong.

If you flip the nickel 10

times, you'll get heads,

heads, tails, heads, tails, tails,

tails, heads, tails, tails.

I don't think I wanna

take the time to do that.

Last night you had

a dream, Arnie.

You dreamt you were being chased

through the forest by your mother.

She was lashing you with a whip

made of knotted penises.

- That's right, Arnie.

- Everything you know is wrong.

You've got my attention,

Mr. Wong.

Oh, it gets better.

A lot better.

- Bullshit. What it gets

- Is worse.

A lot worse.

It started just

a couple of years ago.

We were just a year

or two out of high school,

just kids.

So that friend of mine John,

he had a band.

I once knew a man...

actually, I made that up.

One, two, three, four!

My melon soul

camel holocaust

crushed by

your Gallagher of apathy

camel holocaust

there's a wolf behind you!

Camel holocaust

no wait, it's just a dog

camel holocaust

hair! Hair!

Hair!

Hair!

my hat smells

like lubricant

camel holocaust

I don't want

to touch it...

- Telling the story now, I'm

- Tempted to say something like,

"who would've thought

my friend John would help

bring about the end

of the world?"

Hair! Hair!

Hair!

Hair!

hair! Hair!

- Hey, Fred.

- Hey.

Here's to all of the

kisses I've snatched

and vice-versa.

Amen.

Justin.

Girl, what you thinking?

- Justin, please!

- Get your hand off me.

Please give it

back to me, Justin.

Please?

Please give it back

to me, Justin.

Get your hand off me, girl. No!

Could I have that back, please?

Umm, hey, you're...

you're Amy, right?

Um...

Do you want a beer?

No, my dog just...

Bit some Jamaican guy.

I've got to go find him.

Man, my Uncle lost a foot

in his riding mower.

Says you can still feel it.

What's that... what's that called?

Fantasy leg situation

or something like that?

It's called

phantom limb syndrome,

and all amputees get it

and it goes away.

A**hole.

Good one, Fred.

I'm floating, man.

- And that's real magic, man.

- What's up?

Is there some guy exposing

himself over there?

Oh my God,

that guy just levitated...

- Right off the ground.

- How high?

- Wow.

- Ooh.

You gotta love

the skeptic, man.

Lemme guess...

about six inches

above the grass, right?

Balducci levitation?

Let's see. What can I do to

impress Mr. skeptic man here?

Ah, look at there.

You forgot to wash behind

your ears there, didn't ya?

It's a quarter, right?

Well, the bug's a nice touch.

Oh.

Do you dream, man?

I interpret dreams...

For a beer.

Well, I don't have any beer,

so I guess I'm out of luck.

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