Jo Koy: Live from Seattle Page #2

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I thought I had pneumonia.

I go, "Mom, I think I have pneumonia."

She goes, "I'll put extra Vicks

on your body, Joseph.

Just rub it everywhere, Joseph.

Rub it on the bottom of the foot,

and then put a sock on the foot,

and then the pneumonia

will come out of the foot, Joseph."

I'm just smothered in f***ing Vicks.

I should've called the cops.

One time I was so sick...

I swear to God, true story...

I go, "Mom, I don't feel good.

I can't sleep. I can't sleep, Mom."

My mom took her finger

and stuck it in Vicks

and rubbed it on top of my eyelids.

On top of my eyelids!

That sh*t burned so bad.

I go, "Mom, it burns!

I can't open my eyes!"

My mom goes, "Well, then you can sleep.

Good night, Joseph."

She didn't give a sh*t.

Mean.

She never hit us. My mom never hit us.

She just scared us a lot.

She loved to curse,

and she used to flex like that.

She used to do that sh*t!

She brought that to America!

Anyone that does this sh*t,

hey, my mom started that sh*t.

She did it to all of us.

You know how embarrassing that is,

to get punked by a four-foot-eight

Asian woman at the f***ing mall?

"Get out of the goddamn Foot Locker.

Get out of the Foot Locker!"

"I'm not even in the Foot Locker!"

I used to cry and tell my mom,

"Mom, when I have kids,

I'm never gonna do what you do to me

to my kids."

And my mom looked at me... I swear to God...

she put her hand on my shoulder and goes,

"Joseph, promise me, okay?

Never have kids."

Sh*t on my dreams.

I'm telling you this:

I became a comedian,

which is totally against the grain

when you have a Filipino mom.

If you have a Filipino mom, that is not

the career choice you're supposed to have.

Filipino moms predetermine what their kids

are supposed to be when they grow up.

And you know I'm not making this sh*t up.

There's a lot of Filipinos in here,

right now,

that are nurses.

Today is a good day to get injured

at a show...

because there will be

a nurse in here, like...

[in Filipino accent] "Oh, my God.

Put a cold compress on the head.

Elebate the peet! Elebate...

Elebate the peet."

"What the f*** is 'elebate'?"

"Just lipt! Lipt the pucking peet!

Are you stupid?"

And I'm not... I'm not shitting on you

for being a nurse.

That's a great job, great benefits,

good money.

I'm just saying, it wasn't your dream.

That was your Filipino mom's dream.

My mom wanted me to be a nurse.

Are you f***ing kidding me?

Filipino moms sh*t on their kids' dreams.

And you know I'm not lying.

You know I'm not lying.

You can't have a dream.

"What are you talking about... dream?"

I told my mom I wanted to be a comedian.

She cried. "Why?

Why do you want to be a comedian, Joseph?

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