
Jesus Henry Christ
Would it kill you
to call me Mom?
Just once?
Would it?
Everyone calls you Patricia.
But you're not everyone,
you're my son.
And you're my Patricia.
Everyone thinks that I have
a photographic memory.
But that's not really accurate.
I'm more like
a video camera.
I record what I see,
I always remember.
Frankly, I've always found
photographs depressing,
especially the old ones.
That's my mother, Patricia.
The product of
an unplanned pregnancy.
Patricia was the only girl in
a family of four boys.
Five, counting
my Grandpa Stan.
My grandmother was pregnant
for 72 months.
- Ow!
- Or six years.
Just about 1/6th
of her entire life.
Uncle Billy was the first born
of six sons.
Tim and Tom
came next, then Jimmy,
followed by two baby boys
who died in the uterus.
And finally, Patricia...
who, by all accounts,
had a very happy childhood.
Cheese!
- Cheese!
- Cheese!
Until her tenth birthday.
J' For she's
J' For she's a jolly
good fellow J'
J' For she's
Happy birthday,
Patricia.
- The candles aren't lit.
- Oh.
Stan.
Stan!
Hand me your lighter.
What lighter?
Oh...
You mean... this lighter.
Boys, if it wasn't
for this lighter...
I'd have been shot straight
through the heart
by one of them pinko, Commie,
socialist, Karl Marx-loving,
liberal wack jobs,
subversive moon bat,
hippie freaks.
Uh-huh.
But if he
thought he could kill
Stan "The Man" Herman...
Kapow, kapow, kapow!
Both:
Faggot.Now, one of you boys
gets this when I die,
so be careful with it.
You got something to
say, Billy?
I'm too high to bother with
the likes of you, Stanley.
You son of a--
Give me the goddamn
lighter, now.
Uh, Mommy?
Oh.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Oh...
It's almost out.
I'll save ya!
- Stop, drop and roll!
- Jesus H. Christ!
Stop, drop and roll,
stop, drop and roll,
stop, drop and roll,
stop, drop and roll!
My grandmother's death
was only the beginning.
Woo!
I said I'm Starsky,
you're Hutch.
Fine, have it your way.
Starsky's
a total homo anyway.
You calling me queer?
What if I am...
Starsky?
Take it back, take it back!
- I ain't homo!
- Okay, okay, I take it back!
You ain't homo!
Put down the gun, Tim.
Jesus H. Christ!
shoot my own brother, did you?
Ahh!
Uncle Jimmy died of AIDS.
How he got it,
no one talks about,
which, to me,
makes it even sadder.
Since no one ever
talks about him,
it's like
Happy birthday, Billy.
( Horn honking )
Going somewhere?
I'm going up
Canada way.
Canada?
What for?
I'm 18 now.
I don't got a choice.
Yes, you do, stay here.
If I stay here
they'll ship me off to 'Nam
or they'll lock me up in jail.
Either way you look at it,
I gotta go.
But I can't take care
of Stan, not all by myself.
I'm only ten years old.
( Horn honking )
You're gonna do
great, Patty.
I know you are.
Are you stoned?
Stay here with me.
Please, Billy, please!
I... I can't.
My name's not Patty,
it's Patricia.
And you're a coward,
William Herman.
You must be the change you
wish to see in this world.
E-R-A!
I proudly accept
your nomination
for vice president
of the United States.
Anita Hill!
Keep your rosaries
off my ovaries!
Keep your rosaries
off my ovaries!
Mommy!
Mommy!
Mommy!
Mom, Mom, Mom!
( screaming )
Mommy?
Happy birthday, Patricia.
Why is that
woman crying, Mommy?
Because God is punishing her for
being Satan's helper, honey.
Baby killers!
Baby killer!
Jesus H. Christ!
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"Jesus Henry Christ" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 8 Mar. 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/jesus_henry_christ_11263>.