Jerry Before Seinfeld Page #2

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infinite potential and opportunity.

[laughter]

Because you're young

and your life is still ahead of you,

and it's all going to happen.

Let me tell you little punks something!

[laughter and applause]

You didn't even have a childhood.

You had nothing!

[laughter]

You had garbage

compared to what we had in the '60s.

And you know why?

Your parents paid attention to you, OK?

They were interested in you.

My parents, our parents,

they didn't even know our names, OK?

They were ignorant, they were negligent,

they were checked-out.

We grew up like wild dogs in the '60s!

[laughter]

There was no nutrition.

Nothing... of knowledge of nutrition,

education, safety.

Can you even imagine

the world I am describing?

[laughter]

No helmets, no seat belts,

no restraints.

Anything came to a stop,

we just flew through the air.

[laughter and applause]

I was either eating 100% sugar,

or airborne.

[laughter]

That was my childhood.

My parents, they did not know

where my school was,

they did know what my grades were,

they didn't know where I was.

I was like a raccoon to my parents.

You know there's one around,

but no one's tracking

the actual whereabouts.

[laughter]

I would roll out of bed

and I would do a swan dive

into Cocoa Puffs, Frosted Flakes,

Lucky Charms, Fruit Loops, Sugar Pops.

[laughter]

I'm getting a little light-headed right

now, actually, just thinking about it.

It was so amazing, and it was great -

we were getting away with murder!

Life cereal - that was ballsy, huh?

That's a ballsy name, I always thought.

"Life"!

"What are we going to call this?

How about Oaties? Squaries?"

"Oh, no. This is much bigger than that."

[laughter]

"This is Life, I tell you!"

"It's Life!"

What were the other names? How about

Almighty God? Why don't we call it that?

Who wouldn't want to wake up

to a nice big bowl of Almighty God?

Or New Almighty God with Raisins.

[laughter]

And if you don't like it,

you can go to hell.

[laughter]

So the beauty of the time, OK?

Parents, for some reason,

had no idea or no interest

that there's no food in any of this.

And it was great

until the Cookie Crisp people came along

and blew the lid off of the whole racket.

[laughter]

There's always somebody who pushes

a good thing just a little too far.

Cookie Crisp.

[laughter]

If you don't know what this is,

this is a cereal...

It's not like cookies,

it is cookies.

[laughter]

This is your breakfast.

A bowl of chocolate-chip cookies!

[laughter]

This cereal should have been called

The Hell With Everything!

[laughter]

Ice cream for lunch, cake for dinner,

bacon and cigarettes in between. That's...

That's the Cookie Crisp total health plan.

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