Jeff Ross Roasts the Border: Live from Brownsville, Texas Page #4

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a pinata full of green cards

if anybody wants to play along.

Brownsville, Texas.

Look at this place.

It's like you guys got to 1958

and said, "[Bleep] it."

[ Laughter and applause ]

"[Bleep] it. We're good."

Yeah, man. I love it down here.

You know, I actually

have roots down here.

I got roots with the cartels.

That's right, I'm el

Chapo's Jewish cousin,

el Cheapo.

Brownsville is a heck

of a town, man.

You guys really...

it's a beautiful place,

beautiful people,

but it's hard here, man.

I can't imagine living in a town

with a fence running

right through my town.

I got lonely last night.

I went on Tinder,

and I swipe with somebody

on the other side of the wall.

That's the biggest [Bleep]

block in history.

I didn't let that stop

us, though.

3:
00 a.m., we met

over there by the bushes.

We both kind of pressed

up against the wall,

and I entered her illegally.

[ Laughter ]

And we had a three-way

with an armadillo.

The armadillo is here tonight.

What's up, buddy?

How you doing, man?

Look at the size of this guy.

How you doing, brother?

Wow. What are you celebrating?

Cinco de mayonnaise?

Damn. This guy.

Thanks for coming

off the wall, Humpty.

I appreciate you, man.

Where my Border Patrol at?

[ Scattered cheers

and whistles from rear ]

[ Laughter ]

Let me give the Border

Patrol a little advice.

If you want to catch

people coming into

the country illegally,

don't write "Border Patrol"

across your truck.

Write "Cold beer and free

blow jobs" in Spanish.

See if business doesn't

pick up a little bit.

Now I hear they want to add

5,000 more Border Patrol.

5,000 more, can

you imagine that?

At that point,

they won't need a wall.

They can just stand arm-to-arm

and form a human wall.

Red rover, red rover, don't

let Pedro come over.

I came down to Brownsville

because this is the front line

of the immigration war

in America right now.

I'm here out of solidarity.

I don't want people

around America to not know

how hard this struggle is,

so, you know, the situation

is very [Bleeped] up right now.

I heard yesterday, they deported

an 8-year-old Guatemalan girl

and her three kids.

[ Laughter ]

I'm all about bringing

people together.

Fences keep people apart.

Personally, I don't

think we need a wall.

I don't think we need

a wall for $21 billion.

$21 billion dollars to build

a wall right there.

For that kind of money, we could

send everybody in Mexico $1,000

to stay there.

"No come-o Estados

Unidos, por favor?"

"No problem, [Bleep]."

But on the bright side,

the Olympic Mexican

pole-vaulting team

is number one in the world

right now.

So you have this

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