Jayson Bend: Queen and Country Page #4

come to work wearing pyjamas?

Flies undone?

Top jacket button, sir.

Admonished, Sergeant Hapgood.

What on earth is it this time,

Sergeant Major?

Dumb insolence, sir.

Dumb insolence?

Dumb insolence?

That hasn't been invoked

since the First World War.

It's still an offence, sir,

under Section 83-A of the Army Act.

So what did he do or not do?

He refused to accept my criticism

of his work methods.

Sergeant Rohan?

Sergeant Major Bradleys insistence

that every letter of the law be enforced

makes teaching these men

almost impossible, sir.

- Guilty'?

- If silence is an offence, yes, sir.

Admonished.

May I remind you, sir,

that the relevant section

demands a reprimand as the minimum

punishment for this offence.

- Sir?

- The rest is silence.

We have to stop him!

We have to bring him down.

Charge him with something for a change.

- It won't work. He lives by the law.

- Then let's kill him.

- Murder is my...

- favourite crime.

We keep it simple.

Break into his quarters.

You and Redmond hold him down.

I stuff a pillow over his face.

Found dead in the morning.

No signs of a struggle.

- Celebrations all around.

- I couldn't do that.

Why not?

The Army's training you to kill.

Get some practice in.

God. Have you got a better idea?

- Psychological warfare.

- What?

Well, you know how he gets enraged

if his routine's disrupted.

So?

He does the Telegraph crossword

every lunchtime in the mess.

Well?

Well, one of us slips down mid-morning

and solves it. He'll go nuts.

That's some leap from murder

to f***ing up his crossword.

This is your guide to hygiene in Korea,

with nasty pictures about syphilis

and what it can do to you.

We had that lecture

on our way to France in the war.

The doc said, "So don't ruin your life

for 10 minutes of pleasure.

"Any questions?"

And one lad said, "Yes, sir.

"How do you make it last 10 minutes?"

While we're waiting,

take a few tips from an old sweat.

Now, saluting.

This is what they tell you to do.

Longest way up, shortest way down.

Finish with thumb

pointing down trouser seam.

Up, one, two, down, two, three.

Well, you can make a statement

with saluting.

This is the "f*** you, sir" salute.

Silence!

You are all about to posted to Korea,

which is no laughing matter,

I can assure you!

Sergeant Rohan will take the first

of three orientation lectures.

Inciting disorder. See me in my office.

Okay.

This is a war between North and South Korea.

The North, supported by China and Russia,

the South by America and us.

And General MacArthur

is in charge of the war. Was.

President Truman has just sacked him.

MacArthur wasn't satisfied with driving

the Chinese back over the border.

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