In the Crosswind Page #2

who loses her child?

That feeling doesn't deserve a word.

The weather is so gloomy.

The clouds hide the sun...

And I long to go for a walk.

My steps always lead

to where the locals peel birch bark.

So that the white trunks

have become black.

How those sooty trees still grow...

In that rich fertilised soil.

Hermiine said I shouldn't go

to the woods alone any more.

Where should one go

after being robbed

of everything they believe in and love?

I'm left with Hermiine,

and other Estonians.

I'm left with you, Heldur.

I often see you in my dreams.

Sometimes I catch a glimpse of you

among the trees when I'm out logging.

Sometimes in the gaze of strangers,

in the darkness of the room.

This year when we secretly celebrated

Christmas Eve behind covered windows,

an Estonian man

arrived in our village.

That gave everyone new hope.

Me as well.

I promise, Heldur,

that when I'm released,

I will find you.

Wherever you may be.

Tell me, where are you?

Each evening turns

everything around me

to a dim, dull,

black and white picture.

The sky also exchanges blue

for pitch black.

And I journey home

in my dreams.

I had a dream at night.

It was spring

and we were in our orchard.

Pruning apple tree branches.

You were up in a tree

and asked, this one,

and pointed at it with the saw.

But I pointed, no, that other one.

You sat on a three-pronged branch

and laughed.

At yourself and me.

But then suddenly you were gone.

I ran under the tree,

but you weren't there anymore.

I called out,

and you called out in response.

But from up in another tree.

I ran to it but you weren't there.

And then suddenly

it was already summer.

And I still ran and called out

but only the wind blew

and the leaves rustled.

You weren't anywhere.

I was spent and started crying.

Your saw was on the ground.

I wanted to pick it up

but then you suddenly jumped out

from behind a tree

and laughed, pushing me down.

And I shouted

that you can't do that ever again,

you can't disappear.

But you just laughed.

And I told you to let go.

But inside I didn't want you to.

You started kissing me

and you kissed all my tears away

and I asked if they were salty,

but you said they're sweet instead.

Like drops of apple juice.

Your head lay on my breast

and I promised myself

that I'd never let you go

so that you wouldn't disappear again.

But you untied my dress and...

And then the apples were already ripe.

We were lying on the ground

with ripe apples all around.

Suddenly a branch full of apples

snapped under its weight.

And I said to you, see,

the trees weren't pruned because of you.

Why did you have to disappear?

You asked me not to be cross,

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