If You Could Only Cook

Synopsis: Auto magnate James Buchanan has a fiancée who doesn't love him and a board of directors who won't listen to him. Brooding on a park bench, he meets unemployed Joan Hawthorne, a fine cook who needs a partner to apply for a 'couple' butler/cook job with gourmet ex-bootlegger Mike Rossini. Bemused, Buchanan goes along with the gag, taking lessons from his own butler. But there's sure to be a day of reckoning...
Genre: Comedy, Romance
Director(s): William A. Seiter
Production: Columbia Pictures
72 min

And do you, Evelyn Fletcher, take the

Buchanan millions to have and to hold now?

And as long as the dough lasts.

And now what happens?

-Make sure Bob has the ring.


And listen,

there'll be three steps up to the altar.

Be sure you don't stumble.

And take that smelly pipe

out of your pocket.

Check. And then what?

-And then you just keep saying, "l do."

-Until you're done.

Very funny.

Now, back down the center aisle.

Dear, I'm sorry. Bob and I have to run along.

We've got a board meeting at 1:30.

I'll see you tonight, won't l?

-Oh, no, not tonight.

-Oh, why not?

Let's dine somewhere alone, and talk.

-Talk? About what?

-About nothing. That's the whole idea.

Or maybe just walk in the park,

hold hands and swing them.

Don't be boyish.

All right, run along if you have to.

Tell me, Bob.

Would you say this was

a marriage made in heaven?

Well, maybe a little this side,

but very logical, Jim.

-Evelyn has family. You have money.

-ldeal, I know.

Oh, but where's the romance, the glow,

I don't know, the silly careless rapture

that's supposed to go

with the whole darned thing?

That's just a little youthful, isn't it, Jim?

You mean boyish.

That's what Evelyn calls it.

I was quite a boy, as I remember,

making $20 a week,

spending the twilight hours on a park bench

and wondering what she'd be like

when I met her.

And sure of just one thing,

that I'd be crazy in love with her,

and she'd be crazy in love with me

and it would go on like that forever.

You're supposed to grow up

and get over that sort of thing, aren't you?

Well, most of them do.

I think a good tough board meeting

is just what you need.

Oh, what a session that's going to be.

Putting out a new type of car at this time,

Jim, would be a great mistake.

I agree with Henry.

It's too much of a departure.

That's what you said

about the first Buchanan Eight,

those very words, but I fought you all down,

and what happened?

I made a fortune for every one of us

and together we made automobile history.

Now I'm asking you to string along

with me again

with an idea that

will revolutionize the business.

Jim, this country is in no condition

to spend money on wild ideas in car design.

This country's on its feet again and soon

it'll be spending as it never did before.

They'll be looking for something new

and different.

We've got to be the first on the market

with the newest

and finest automobile we know how to make.

Oh, what's the use, Jim?

We've been going over this thing for days

and you know very well the majority

still stands against you.

Well, who is with me?

Only Bob and Howard.

Just two, and the majority stops me.

Well, gentlemen,

you evidently know what you want to do.

I don't.

So go ahead and do it yourselves.

Go on, go on, run the business.

And when you get into trouble, call on me,

and for this delightful vacation,

gentlemen, many thanks.

-Now that's no way, Jim.

-Can't help it. It's just how I feel.

I'm sick and tired of everything.

-Wait a minute. Where are you going?

-Some place to think.

-Oh, sorry.

-Oh, that's quite all right.

Thank you, thank you.

Jobs are hard to find, aren't they?

Well, you just have to

keep reading the ads and hoping.

Oh, would you

care for "Help Wanted, Male"?

Oh, thank you.

An ad you can answer?

No, I was just wondering,

what does "passementerie workers" mean?

I'm not sure.

I think it has something to do with beads.

-Then why don't they say beads?

-Oh, I don't know.

-Can you find anything?

-No, no. Nothing for my peculiar talents.

How about that snappy opportunity

for young man with money

to peddle an invention that does things

that's never been done before.

-Where's that?

-Oh, it's there somewhere, it always is.

Why do they put in ads

that require money to invest?

I'm afraid that's your question.

-lf you had any money, you...

-You wouldn't be reading the want ads.

Oh, it's tough these days.

About 200 people for every position.

How long is it since you've

been interviewed for a job?

I can't remember.

The only good ads are for couples.

Here's one for cook and butler,

"Must be able to do housework,

"attractive surroundings,

servant's quarters over garage.

"Cook must be exceptional

or don't bother to apply.

"Salary, $175 a month.

Rossini Manor, Longhaven."

$175. That's real money.

-Now, if you could only cook.

-Oh, I can cook. I'm a marvelous cook.

-Maybe there's an ad for a cook alone.

-I never thought of that...

Cook, cook, cook.

Well, better luck tomorrow.

I've been saying that every day.

Say, can you buttle?

Well, I can say, "Very good, sir"

and, "Dinner is served, madam."

You're swell.

Why don't we answer this ad together?

It could be done.

Oh, how does it sound to you?


What is it? Your pride?

You know, you can't be choosy about a job.

You think you're too good

to wield a broom?

Well, it's a little different

from what I've been doing.

So what?

Maybe it's the thing you're best fitted for.

Don't you realize

we can make this our lucky day?

Lucky day.

Mister, I'm going to sell you this idea

if we have to sit here all day,

because my landlady and I have

just come to the parting of the ways

and I don't feel like sleeping

in the park tonight.

Don't you realize?

It's a meal ticket for both of us.

If we landed this job,

you'd feel differently about everything.

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Howard J. Green

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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