If....

Synopsis: In an indictment of the British public school system, we follow Mick and his mostly younger friends through a series of indignities and occasionally abuse as any fond feelings toward these schools are destroyed. When Mick and his friends rebel, violently, the catch phrase, "which side would you be on" becomes quite stark.
Genre: Drama
Director(s): Lindsay Anderson
Production: Paramount Studios
  Nominated for 1 Golden Globe. Another 1 win & 3 nominations.
 
IMDB:
7.7
Rotten Tomatoes:
97%
R
Year:
1968
111 min
1,925 Views


Stand up, stand up

For College

Each manly voice upraise

Clasp each the hand

In brotherhood

And raise the roof

With praise

And when these days of school

Are past

Though we'll be near or far

We'll stand again for College

Who made us what we are

- Get that trunk out of the wayl

- Hey! Hey!

Machin, you bloody shag!

Where's my hockey stick?

Oil Where's my hockey stick?

Run in the corridor! Run!

Biles, you freak, where are you?

Excuse me.

I can't see my name. I'm new.

You don't speak to us.

You're a scum, aren't you?

- I don't know.

- Of course he's a scum.

You're blocking my view, scum.

Scuml

Biles, Markland.

Biles, take these to my study.

And this.

And watch those eggs.

Markland, warm a lavatory seat for me.

I'll be ready in three minutes.

- And who are you?

- Please, sir, I'm Jute.

Are you indeed?

Brunning!

This is Jute.

You'reJute's bumf tutor.

Take him to the sweat room.

And, Jute.

You don't call me "sir. "

Run! Run in the corridor!

No! Mercy! Plead mercy!

Jutel

Here. Jute.

This is your place.

Books and magazines here.

Food in the locker.

Pinups over here, okay?

Silence in the sweat room!

I would like to remind the sweat room

that no tinned or potted foods are allowed...

except tinned fruit

and baked beans without meat.

Shut up!

Duty scumming list now up.

Junior table and exercise list

up in five minutes.

Get on with it.

- Come on up, Bobby.

- We want to stroke you.

You twol

Get upstairs and behave yourselves.

And you, Philips, stop tarting.

I'm not tarting.

You need a haircut.

Right! Get a move on. You've got 30 minutes to

get out and get your trunks up into the loft.

God. It's Guy Fawkes back again.

- Hello, Michael.

- Hello, Mick.

You've got 29 minutes left.

Oh, can it, bog face.

Lay off it, Stephans.

You're monotonous already.

Being lippy, Knightly?

Tidy this disgusting mess.

What the hell's that?

Hey! Peanuts has come back

with a bloody ray gun.

It's a bloody ray gun.

God, Stephans, you're so ignorant.

Anyone can see it's a shag spot burner.

Clear your face up

in a couple of seconds.

Actually, it's a six-inch

standard reflecting telescope.

Well, get it out of here.

Knightly, stop preening yourself

in that mirror.

Preen, preen, preen and pride.

Travis, you're in the house.

Take that crap off!

Go onl Catch him.

- Travis!

- Sorry, Denson.

God, you're ugly. You look evil.

Yeah. My face is a never-fading

source of wonder to me.

What did you grow it for?

To hide my sins.

Scuml

What do you think ofhim?

Fantastic.

Put him right in the middle.

Fantastic.

Do you know what I did this summer?

Built a hut in the woods.

Lived there for three weeks by myself,

till I ran out of food.

It was an experiment in asceticism.

Penetrating the inner core of my being.

You do anything good?

I...

met this fantastic bird in the East End,

went round all the pubs.

You ever been to those pubs?

You should see those old loves dancing...

showing their knickers.

Take 'em off near the end.

She had a weird religion -

only kiss on Thursdays.

Took me home to meet her mum and dad.

Well, that finished it.

Practically married us off, they did,

over the Sunday joint.

When do we live?

That's what I want to know.

- Wally!

- Hey, Wallace! Wally-Bum, come with us.

Come on. We're gonna have

our tiny parts inspected.

Here, he's not wearing

a vest already, is he?

Pass the message down to Biles:

Biles, why are you a freak?

Biles, why are you a freak?

Biles, why are you a freak?

Shag off, you creeps!

Shhl

Now listen. You've got to know all

the seniors' names. Ask me who someone is.

Brunning, damn you! Stop talking!

This term I've just

one thing to say to you.

One rule.

Follow it, and you won't go wrong.

And it is this:

Work...

play...

but don't mix the two.

Perhaps some of you new boys

are a little bewildered...

by the rapid succession of events

which has overtaken you since your arrival.

But you'll soon find your way about.

Just remember that life here

is a matter of give and take.

We are your new family...

and you must expect the rough-and-tumble

that goes with any family life.

We're all here to help each other.

You will find here in College House...

a discipline not only to help others,

but also to help yourselves.

Help the house,

and you will be helped by the house.

Now I'd like to extend a warm welcome

to our new undermaster, Mr. Thomas.

I'm sure you'll all

help him to find his feet.

Last summer...

this house got itself a reputation

for being disgustingly slack.

This term,

things are going to be different.

If there's any repetition

of that deplorable lack of spirit...

I shall come crashing down

on offenders.

We don't intend to carry passengers.

I'd like to remind the house

that it's winter term...

and that lockup is at 5:00 p. m.

Anyone leaving the house after that time

must have a leave signed by a whip.

The town, of course,

is out of bounds.

Line up in the usual way

for medical inspection!

- Line up here!

- Alphabetical order!

- Stop talking!

- Be quiet!

- Health certificate? Ringworm?

- No.

- Ringworm?

- Eye disease? V. D?

- Eye disease?

- Confirmation class?

- Confirmation class? Next.

- Next.

- Next.

- Confirmation class? Ringworm?

- No.

- Eye disease? V. D?

- Confirmation class?

- No.

- Confirmation class?

- Wake up, you!

- Next.

Rate this script:4.0 / 3 votes

David Sherwin

David Sherwin-White (24 February 1942 – 8 January 2018) was a British screenwriter best known for his collaborations with director Lindsay Anderson and actor Malcolm McDowell on the films if.... (1968) (for which Sherwin was nominated for a BAFTA Award for Best Screenplay), O Lucky Man! (1973) and Britannia Hospital (1982). Sherwin attended Tonbridge School, which provided much of the inspiration for the content of if..... In 1996, Sherwin published a memoir, Going Mad in Hollywood: And Life with Lindsay Anderson, (Andre Deutsch) ISBN 978-0-233-98966-2. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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