Identity Thief

Synopsis: Sandy Patterson (Jason Bateman) gets a nice call confirming his name and other identifying information. The next thing he knows, a spa in Florida is reminding him of his appointment and his credit cards are maxed out. With his identity stolen, Sandy leaves his wife, kids and job to literally bring the thief to justice in Colorado. Keeping tabs on the other Sandy (Melissa McCarthy) and run-ins with bounty hunters is harder than he was expecting, and ultimately the cross-country trip is going to find both Sandys learning life tips from one another.
Genre: Comedy, Crime, Drama
Director(s): Seth Gordon
Production: Universal Pictures
  1 win & 9 nominations.
Rotten Tomatoes:
111 min

Hello? This is Sandy Patterson.

Yes, Mr. Patterson.

I'm Janine from the

Fraud Protection Department

of Identi-vault Credit Monitoring Service.

We're calling today because, unfortunately,

it appears that someone

has attempted to steal your identity.

Are you kidding me?

Gosh, I wish I were.

We did catch this in time, however.

But I do suggest you taking advantage

of our free total protection plan,

which safeguards your credit rating

against theft and fraud.

Yes, please. If it's free, absolutely.

Just terrific. I went for this plan myself.

Mr. Patterson, I'm gonna need to

verify some information from you.

I'm gonna need your

full name, date of birth,

and Social Security number, please.

Sure, understood. Here it comes.

What can I get for you?

I'm gonna have a melon ball.

And some tequila. And let's start a tab.

You got it.

And keep it open.

My friends can't make it.

Here I am, stuck with

all these premium tequila shots, so...

That's what we're drinking.


My name's Sandy.

Hi, Sandy.

Okay. Cheers.


Let's get another round.

Chug! Chug! Chug!

Another round on me!

Sandy! Sandy! Sandy!

Who the hell is she?

Who cares? She's buying free drinks.

Let's go!

When I say "Sandy," you say "Patterson."

- Sandy!

- Patterson!

- Sandy!

- Patterson!

Who wants another drink?

We do!

Enough. No more.

Ma'am, get down.

Who here wants to see me

swing on that chandelier?

No, no, no. You can't be up there.

I'm sorry, I can't hear you.

Uh, yeah, yeah, you can hear me,

because you're answering me.

Whoa, I didn't hear that either.

Here we go, b*tches!

Ma'am, you've gotta get down.

Oh, sh*t.


Sandy! Sandy! Sandy!

It's over. Show's over, okay?

You, you're out of here.

You're done, come on.

No. You're out of here.

Go back behind the bar

and start making more drinks for my friends.

These aren't your friends, okay?

They like you because

you're buying them drinks.

People like you don't have friends.

- I think we're really hitting it off.

Don't you? -

Sandy Patterson.

That's me.

You're under arrest

for assault and public intoxication.

I don't think that's accurate.

Blow into this.

Oh, my pleasure.

How did I do?

Huh. Look at that.

Happy birthday, Sandy Patterson.


All right, cheese! There it is.

Happy birthday, Sandy Patterson.

Happy birthday, Daddy.

Thank you. Thank you all for coming.

- Make a wish.

- Here we go.


That's great. One lungful.

I made you this, Daddy.

Thank you. Look at that.

- Did you see that, Mommy?

- I did.

Looks very expensive. Did you steal it?

This looks very expensive.

Little thief! You know what

happens to thieves? Huh?

Let me tell you what happens to a thief.

This is your punishment.

- Be careful!

- Just the face!

There it is. That's what you get!

Do you see? Don't steal things.

All right, let's get a knife,

I want to start on this.

Come on, not on your birthday.

After rent, utilities, gas and phone,

we saved a little this month.

Ooh! How much?


Half of that's mine, you know.

You're welcome. Invest it wisely.

What about your bonus?

They got canceled again.

It's the financial industry,

I can't exactly argue things are going well.

- You're gonna get promoted.

- Mmm-hmm.

You're going to. It's fine, we're fine.

I know. We are pregnant, though.

I'm pregnant.

Look at me. We're fine.

Until braces and college and weddings.

Maybe this one's a boy

and we can send him to work.

Like, in a mine.

Yeah. It's a reasonable plan.


I have one more present for you to unwrap.


Why don't we...

Let's go, let's go. Let's go to a room.

Rate this script:(2.33 / 3 votes)

Craig Mazin

Craig Mazin (born April 8, 1971) is an American screenwriter and film director. He is known for writing Identity Thief, The Hangover Part II, The Hangover Part III, and The Huntsman: Winter's War. He is currently working on a five-part miniseries for HBO and Sky based on the Chernobyl disaster. Mazin co-hosts the Scriptnotes podcast alongside fellow screenwriter John August. more…

All Craig Mazin scripts | Craig Mazin Scripts

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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