I Love You to Death

Synopsis: Joey works with Rosalie in their pizza parlor. She is convinced that he works all of the time for them and her world dissolves when she finds that he has been fooling around for years. Being Catholic, divorce is out of the question, so she and her mother and her best friend decide to kill him. Hopelessly incompetent as killers, they hire incompetent professionals as they beat, poison, and shoot Joey who remains oblivious to their attempts.
Genre: Comedy, Crime
Director(s): Lawrence Kasdan
Production: Sony Pictures Home Entertainment
Rotten Tomatoes:
97 min

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

How you doing?

It's been two weeks

since my last confession.

I done a lot of bad things in that time.

Didn't go to church, I took the Lord's

name in vain quite a few times.

I cursed my mother-in-law, but it was

in Italian, so she couldn't understand.

- So I don't know if that counts.

- It counts.

Okay. And I cheated on my wife.

- You committed adultery?

- Yes.

How many times?

Five times the last two weeks.

Wait. No, that's wrong.

It was four times this week...

...with three women

and three times last week...

...with two other women. Wow.

Plus, one of the women from this week

was the same as last week...

...or maybe two

of the women was the same.

So I guess that makes...

What? I don't know. Seven times.

I mean, it was more

than seven times, Father.

It was more like 10 or 12 times,

but, you know, it was like...

...on seven different occasions,

only with five different women.

But some of the women more than once.

Some of them quite a few times.

In fact, it's hard to say, Father.

I didn't exactly keep count, but let's say

a dozen times in the last two weeks...

...give or take a few times.


Joey, I'm still waiting

for those meatballs.

I'll be right with you.

Hey, thanks for stopping by.

Rosalie, Wendel wants another beer.

Excuse me.

You're here?

I thought you was on vacation.

- Got back yesterday.

- How's Martha?

- Terrific.

- Tell her Joey said hello.

I will.

Devo, the meatball, the meatballs.

Come on.

I'll be with you in one minute, folks.

Donna Joy, you're looking

mighty nice in that mini.

Thanks, Joey.

You're looking pretty good yourself.

Yeah, you think? Thanks.

Joey's Pizza.

Hey, Ty, how you doing?

How many?

How soon?

You want pepperoni,

you got pepperoni.

- Devo, take this out.

- Rosalie!

Tulsky's coming by to pick up six pies.

We need more pepperoni. It's in the back.

Joey's Pizza.

Hey, baby, how you doing?

No, no, now's bad.

Now's bad. Very busy.

How about later on?

Later on. Okay?

I gotta hang up. My wife's coming.

Okay, bye. Thanks for calling.

- Be quiet, will you?

- Shut up!

- Hi, Mom.

- Hi, Mom.

Baba Ganoush.


Mystic Crystal, let it shine

Spikes just like a porcupine

- Hello, you two.

- Hi!

This is hot. I'll be with you in a minute.

I'm gonna drop this off.

Okay. I'm gonna go see Dad.

Hi, Daddy.

Who said that?

What? What?

Let me see your picture, Dom.

Oh, that's really good. What is it?

What does it look like?

- It looks like a pizza pie?

- Mom, it's a flower.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What do you think?


Look at that.

Oh, the defenders of justice. Hello.

Cheese it, the cops!

Here, Larry. All set. Sausage and 'rooms,

heavy on the 'rooms.

Thank you, Joey.

- Carlos, what's the matter?

- Nothing.

- Hey, kids, how's it going?

- Okay.

Larry, Larry, Larry.

Look what Dominic did today.

- You ever see anything so beautiful?

- Dominic, that's lovely.

- What is that, a flower?

- No, it's a pizza.

It's pepperoni, I bet.

Yeah, it could be.

I'm not sure. Yeah.

- I love pepperoni.

- Next time.

You always say next time.

I heard you caught that guy

who was robbing all them 7-Elevens.

- You caught that guy?

- Right.

- Picked him up last night.

- Thank God! You're doing a great job.

- Thank you.

- You hear that?

That's how come, in America,

we can live safe.

Because we got cops like

Larry Schooner and Carlos Wiley...

...who make sure everybody does

what he's supposed to do.

Work hard, pay your taxes,

obey the law...

...you can have anything you want.

I want my kids to understand

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John Kostmayer

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "I Love You to Death" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2022. Web. 9 Dec. 2022. <https://www.scripts.com/script/i_love_you_to_death_10502>.

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