I Can Do Bad All By Myself

Hello.

Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello.

That's what we do at Club Indigo.

The more you drink,

the better I look.

And the more you drink,

the better your date's gonna look.

A couple of you guys

valet parked your cars.

Well, you need to make good friends,

you're gonna need a ride home.

We don't have valet here.

Anybody valet?

You need a ride home.

This is one of the baddest sisters

around. This black gal can sing!

Ladies and gentlemen,

we'll try to show some love.

Put those hands together for

the one and only, not May, not June...

...but April. Give it up for Miss April!

Damn Joe better sit--

I know ain't nobody

breaking in this house.

Must be somebody new

to the neighborhood...

...they gonna break in my house.

I'm Madea,

and they gonna break in this house?

Oh, hell no.

Oh, see you later, Helmer.

-Joe.

-Now roll the joint up.

Joe.

Mabel, what the hell wrong with you?

You don't be coming--

Wake the hell up.

You about to give me a heart attack.

You too ugly

to be waking somebody up...

...in the middle of the night,

I told you that.

You gotta ease that ugly

up on people.

You can't just show it to them

all at once.

Code five, fool. Code five. Hurry up.

-Get out the bed.

-Code five? Hell, go get them, Mabel.

-Hell, you look like armed services.

-Hurry up.

Ain't nothing in here but me.

This is your house.

Wait a minute. My weed down there.

Oh, hell no now.

Is this worth you getting

a cap busted in your ass for?

-What the hell?

-Did they done drop my damn VCR?

What you doing with my--?

Not your TiVo.

Sit your ass down!

Wait, this is from me.

Hold on, Joe. Hell.

Them children.

Clap your hands, girls!

Y'all eating like y'all ain't ate nothing

in days.

I don't know why the hell you feeding

these children.

You feed them, they gonna

keep coming back, just like roaches.

You got one roach,

you gonna have thousands.

You never gonna be able

to get rid of these children.

You ain't been able

to get rid of what you got.

Scratch and sniff.

Shut your mouth. I was in

a experiment with-- In Tuskegee.

-You want some more sandwich?

-Yeah.

-You say "yes, ma'am" to me.

-Yes, man.

He say "yes, man."

No, son, that ain't--

That ain't no man.

She just look like one.

-You say "yes, ma'am."

-What does that mean?

Don't know what's wrong

with these children today.

Ain't nobody teach you some respect?

"Yes, ma'am. No, ma'am. No, sir"?

-Nobody teach you that?

-No.

Somebody should've. I don't know

what's wrong with parents today.

Hey, slow the hell down, boy.

Wipe your mouth.

What the hell's wrong?

-He crazy?

-No.

What's wrong with him?

-He's a weirdo.

-Eat your food and shut up.

Girl, eat something.

Get you some butter and jelly.

No, I'm good.

Just wanna make sure they eat.

I'm mad as hell about my VCR.

I'm trying to be nice to you,

but I'm mad as hell about this VCR.

I ought to shank you.

This is my VCR.

I had this VCR back in 1973...

...when Otis Redding came by

and he sat there with me...

...and both of us watched

a movie on this VCR...

...and you just drop it

like it's nothing.

This is a antique, girl.

You know what a antique is?

There one right there.

This is a antique.

-Still gonna call the cops?

-Hell, yeah.

You done broke in somebody's house.

Just because you looking sad...

...you don't think nobody gonna call

the police? I'm calling the po-po.

It's tore up, anyway. I don't see

no reason for you to call the cops.

Don't tell me not to call the cops.

If I wanna call the cops, I'm gonna.

I might not call

if you done learned your lesson.

The lesson is simple.

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