Human Traffic

[ Chuckling ]

You lucky,

lucky people.

Yeah, you.

[ Laughs ]

Yes, you.

F***in' away.

Aren't you?

F***in' away.

Like you're late

for evolution or something.

Hmm? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Everyone's at it.

I know.

Everybody's at it except me.

The prince of paranoia.

Yeah.

You see, at the moment,

I am dealing...

with a monumental case

of Mr. Floppy.

And it's killing me.

Softly. Yeah.

Funny, isn't it?

[ Jip Narrating ]

Well, that's me, I'm afraid.

Stressed to the max.

A legend in my own ego.

But if you think I'm f***ed up,

you should check out my friends.

I can't stop thinking about

my girlfriend f***ing other men.

It's doing my nut in.

Every bloke she looks at

I think she fancies.

Even the thought of her having sex

with her past boyfriends gets to me.

Whether they turned her on more or

whether their dick was bigger.

It makes me feel inadequate,

you know what I mean?

[ Jip Narrating ]

Koop is the best of best mates.

He's an absolute craftsman, man.

We're gonna know each other

for the rest of our lives.

We're both as f***ed up

as each other.

You know, I love his sincerity.

He's the coolest person I know.

Alright, I'm having a sub-life crisis.

I feel like a character on EastEnders

the come-down version.

What the f*** am I doing

in this job?

I wanna go to college,

but I f***ed up the interview.

When they asked me

why philosophy interested me,

why didn't I say something like,

"Philosophy is about

the meaning of life,"' instead of...

"I've been having serious trouble

trying to work life out,

and I'm now prepared to listen

to other people's theories."

[ Jip Narrating ]

Now Nina is Koop's girlfriend.

I've seen her around

the clubs for years.

A complete hedonist,

but totally down to earth.

No edge to her at all.

I trust her with my best mate.

Nina's the most together out of all of us.

She's an absolute mistress.

Why would I want a man?

They're all emotionally retarded,

egotistical pricks

who f*** with your head.

They try to control you

and make you feel like...

the whore of Babylon

if you wear a miniskirt.

I'm an independent girl who wears

lipstick because she wants to,

not because men find it

more attractive.

I'm fine being single.

I am!

Peachy f***ing creamy.

[ Jip Narrating ] This is Lulu.

She's a full-on club minx.

Major head banger.

We've known each other for years.

Some people find her a bit intimidating.

It's purely social camouflage.

Recently we became

clubbing partners.

And that has helped me get to know

the real Lulu. She's a pussycat.

See me? I'm quicker on the draw

than Jesse James, my son.

Eh, eh?

[ Snickering ]

I'm sending smoke signals Tonto style,

you know what I mean?

I wouldn't say no to a girlfriend,

you know what I mean?

How nice it would be to drink the white wine

from the furry cup, you know?

I just can't be arsed with the hassle part

of the dating game, do you know what I mean?

I just Having a relationship just ain't

Top of the Pops at the moment, you know?

I'm having sex with music, mate.

And believe me,

I can go all night.

[ Jip Narrating ]

I met Moff in a warehouse party last summer.

We've been mates ever since.

He got moved down here when his dad

got promoted to superintendent.

Now Moff is the biggest

pill monster I know.

I love him, but he's off his tits.

I swear on my mother's life,

I'm having the best time

being off my pickle...

and feeling the music.

You You-you know

what I mean, yeah?

Cushty. I knew you

wouldn't let me down. I knew it.

[ Playing:
Fatboy Slim Build It Up, Tear It Down ]

[1] Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce

[2] Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce

[3] Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, b-b-b...

Build it up

Tear it down

Build it up

Tear it down

[1] Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce

[2] Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce

[3] Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce.

[1] Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce

[2] Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce

[3] Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce

[4] Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, b-b-b...

Build it up

Tear it down

Build it up

Tear it down

[1] Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce

[2] Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce

[ The song slightly ends (fades out). ]

[ Jip Narrating ]

God's having a laugh, man.

He keeps digging up these

social fossils from my past,

disguising them

as paying customers

for me to deal with.

Maybe, it's to remind me

that memory's overrated.

-[ Girl Giggling ]

- Oh, my God.

It's Karen Benson.

I don't believe this.

I failed the physical with her.

Oh, please, just go away.

F***! She's coming over.

Oh, f***. I'm starting to shake.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Be cool, Jip.

Nothing happened, remember?

Come on. Act like an adult

and be false.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Here it comes.

Here comes the pain.

Hold tight. Oh, my God!

- All right?

- All right.

[ Cash Register Beeping ]

- Why didn't you want sex with me?

- I did.

I-I did want sex with you.

So what was the problem?

I was just terrified

of losing my erection.

- He couldn't get it up for the birds!

- The birds!

- He couldn't get it up for the birds!

- The birds!

He must be a f***ing queer!

He couldn't get it up

for the birds! The birds!

I'm not gay or anything, I--

I'm just having

a bit of a head f***.

- So why didn't you say so?

- I was a bit embarrassed.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote