Genre: Adult
80 min

# I know I am, I'm sure I am

I'm West Ham till I die #


Go on, bruv. Go on, bruv.

F*ck me. If I knew we was going to a bar

mitzvah, I'd have brought me f*cking skullcap.

Mate, Tottenham's due north.

Are you lost or just f*cking stupid?

Still a stand-up comedian, eh, Dunham?

All right, mate.

When the Major was doing your job,

he wasn't nearly so chatty.

Probably 'cause

he wasn't quite so nervous either.

The Major always preferred a scrap

to your yammer.

- What's all that? What is that?

- Yammer?

You reckon? Mate, I think you should get

on the next train and f*ck off out of here.

- Before something bad happens.

- [Jeering]

We'd be interested to see exactly what that is.

You're not exactly top-flight mob

these days, are you?

- More like a two-bob mob.

- [Laughter]

See, now, that's just plain rude.

But if you fancy it, who are we to let you down?

- Come on, then!

- Come on, then, you f*cking poncey cunt!

- You f*cking cunt! You!

- [Chanting]

F*cking have it! Come on.

Let's go.

I'm telling you, you don't need Lewis.

I will trade you Keeshon and Maddux for Lewis.

And I'm gonna be losing out on this deal.

Because Keeshon, he's back

with the old coach. He's back with Parcells.

And they are gonna be an unstoppable team.

You know that. I know that.

Look, man, he was

comeback player of the year, you know.

Not many guys have thrown

over 6,000 yards. Come on.

Let me call you back.

I gotta deal with something.

Buckner. That $10,000.

I think it's a pretty good deal.

We never had a deal, Jeremy.

Look, I know you got screwed here.

But I have my family's reputation to protect.

A Van Holden getting expelled from Harvard.

No way.

I've got a little more at stake here, Matt.


Come on, man.

My dad is definitely gonna get re-elected.

When I graduate, I'll totally hook you up.

Thanks, bro.

You're really saving my ass.

You've reached Carl Buckner. I'm currently

on assignment in Kabul and I'm unreachable.

Leave a message

at the foreign correspondents desk

at the Washington bureau of the Times

and we'll get back to you as soon as possible.

Thanks so much.

This is a security announcement

at Heathrow airport.

Please keep your belongings with you

at all times.

[Matt] My name is Matt Buckner.

Last spring, I got kicked out of Harvard

two months shy of my diploma,

but what I was about to learn, no lvy League

school in the world could teach me.

Mind the gap.

Please stand clear of the closing doors.

Mind the gap. Please stand clear.

[Woman] Matt!

- Hi. Hey.

- Hey.

- Oh, my God.

- It's so good to see you.

You, too. Was that a terrorist attack?

What happened here?

Welcome to match-day madness.

Tottenham was in town last night.

- Are you a soccer fan now?

- Don't let them hear you say soccer.

- Who's "them"?

- The British Empire.

Uncle Matt, meet Ben.

- Can you believe that?

- Hey there, little guy.

- He's adorable.

- Yeah.

It is so good to see you.

But what are you doing here?

It doesn't make sense. Why would you have

been expelled if you didn't do anything wrong?

It was my roommate. He's a total cokehead.

Somebody tipped off campus security

and we got our room searched.

They found his stash in my stuff.

I guess he'd been hiding his shit

in my closet the entire time.


- Yeah, really.

- You could tell me if you were taking...

- It's not like that.

- So you fought it and they didn't believe you?

Matt. You fought it, right?

Look, you don't know who this guy is.

He's a Van Holden.

I wouldn't have even had a chance.

So what did Dad say?

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Submitted on August 05, 2018


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"Hooligans" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2019. Web. 15 Oct. 2019. <https://www.scripts.com/script/hooligans_10143>.

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