Homo Erectus

Synopsis: A philosophical caveman (Rifkin) yearns for more out of life than sticks, stones and raw meat.
Genre: Action, Comedy, Drama
Director(s): Adam Rifkin
Production: National Lampoon Inc.
Rotten Tomatoes:
88 min

God damn it, Zog.

Sorry, Sorry about that dude.


- Jesus.

Damn day.

Dude, can I take that bone back?


What is it all mean?

What is our purpose?

Why are we here?

We're born, breathe, we die.

And then, we're forgotten,

only for another generation to

repeat the same seemingly irrelevant cycle.

All just seem so pointless.

And all along the way we mire ourselves

in the burdens and stresses of everyday modern life.

The more complicated we make our existence,

the more we destruct our conscious minds

from our inevitable mortality.

Oh, how it all makes me yearn

for the innocence of my childhood.

Those were the days.

I look back now nostalgicly at that time,

before adult responsibilities kicked in.

Oh, the frivolity of youth.

What am I talking about,

I was miserable most of my childhood

thanks to my

a**hole older brother, Thudnik.

Luckily, our father was

a fair and just mediator.

Dad, Thudnik hit me in the head with a rock again.

What have you done?

Sorry dad, it was an accident.

Not you. You.

How many times have I told you

to stop whining?

Allright, well, maybe he wasn't so fair

and just when it came to me..

But he was the head of our tribe and

he knew how to keep his people safe from the Binadraks,

the tribe on the other side of the mountain.

Also he's a natural born charismatic leader,

he did have a certain "je ne sais qoi"

when it came to the ladies.


Of course, he set a questionable example

as he was flagrantly clubbing other women

right under the nose of my mother.


Doesn't that bother you dad's was dragging

other women into the cage.


everything is a question.

What bothers me is I've got a nurture a son.

Why did I even try?

Mom love being first lady so much that

as long as she had a nice fur to wear

she was capable of looking pass to anything.

Why can't you be more like

your older brother?

Come on.

He is a natural born leader,

and pretty soon he's

gonna be clubbing all the girls.

This gonna be...

If you gonna get tougher

Because this gonna be "bupkus" for you.


Girls, they...

They like of manly man.

That's what they like.

I didn't wanna club all the girls.

I didn't wanna club any of them.

There was only one girl for me.

Her name was Fardart.

She was the love of my life.

As far as she knew we were

just best friends but,

I dreamt some day we be more.

I'm in love with your brother, Thudnik.


But he is an idiot.

No, he's not.

He'll be head of the tribe one day.

He is a natural born leader

and he's so cute.

He is a minkukel.

You're smart, unique, reflective person.

You deserve someone better.

Someone like...

- Like who, Ishbo?


- Fardart! Time to pick lice off your brother.

Coming mom.

Can you talk to him?

See if he likes me.

Don't let him know I've asked you, though.


You're the best, Ishbo.

I'm such a wuss.

That was then and this is now.

The good news is, I think the other members

of my tribe are finally starting to appreciate

my insatiable quest for the

unlocking of lifes grand mistery.

Or not.

In either event, I'm not giving up.

Life's a puzzle.

And all the pieces are scattered around for everyone to see.

I just need to put it all together.

The ony trouble is, how the hell am I

supposed to figure out the meaning of life,

when I'm surrounded by freakin' Neanderthals?

No matter what obstacles the Gods through our way,

the tribe was always pretty much the same.

As was our daily existence.

The three S's always apply: Shelter,

Sustenance and Survival.

Breakfast usually consisted of some sort of

ham steak from a recent boar kill.

But since the hunting have been season scares,

it was berries and leaves again.

Some tribes just spice up their

leaves with cinch bugs or sand flees.

But those exoskeletons wrecked havoc

on lower intestines.

For the most part, daily life

on the plains was pretty routine.

The tribe, as a hole, managed to delecate

balance between survival and recreation.

Zig and Zog had no problems

with the recreation part.

They had discovered a weed

that when smoked,

open their minds to

new levels of observation.

Do you wanna a see water buffalo fly, man?

No, thanks, I'm cool.

- Allright.

Yo, Zig, check it out,

a flying water buffalo,

is like a rain buffalo.

Listen, water is just rain

falling from the sky, right?

So if a water buffalo is in the sky,

it's a flying rain buffalo and then

you got, you got buffalo rain, man.

Some crazy sh*t right there, man.

Interesting, yeah, I never

would've thought of that.

The eldest member of our tribe

was known simply as "Old Fool".

He was so old in fact that he actually had been around

since before the great wars with the Binadraks's started,

and remember the day before fire.

He was almost 30.

Everyone else in the tribe thought

he was just crazy old man but I knew differently.

He was actually wisest sage in the land.

Old Fool, would you mind

covering yourself please, for one?

Your nudity is distracting me

from your wise thoughts.

No, I refuse to wear these newfangled things.

What do you call them, clothes?

You smart ass kids and your technology,

you're moving so Goddamn fast

I can't keep up.

Gods, meant for us to have furs, we'd have furs.

I disagree. I think the Gods

provided us with the raw materials,

and the ability to think. It's our responsibility

to make the most of what we have our disposal.

Don't you think?

What kind of panty ass fagget talk is that?

Listen, because I've been around

longer than anyone.

You have questions and see can't through.

Educate me Old Fool, you're the only one

in the tribe that has the knowledge I crave.

All the riddles of our existence

can be deciphered with this.

What is it?


My turd.

It's a big turd.

Great biggy.

My biggest disappointment was coming to the conclusion

that Old Fool wasn't actually wise at all.

Complete imbecile.

For once, the others were right.

My brother Thudnik, true to form,

grow up to be the perfect specimen of masculinity.

His strength, agility, athleticism

and natural leadership skills,

garanteed him the role of tribe leader

once my father crossed over into the afterlife.

And like my father,

he was loved by the ladies.

As much as I hated to admit it, I guess I was crippled

with jealousy over how effortless it all came to him.

But I was gonna use that envy as fuel

and evolve our species

beyond sticks and stones.

How I's gonno do it, you may ask.

I'd become an inventor.

Hey, look everybody,

I just invented pants.

Ishbo, are you OK?

One thing that definitely hadn't change

was the way I felt about Fardart.


I've died and gone to heaven.

Come on, Thudnik.

Unfortunately, neither had her feelings for my brother.

I mean he's clubbed every girl

on the tribe, but me.

I'm not ugly.

Am I undesirable?

Smoke signals again.

Those Binadraks are up to something.

Ishbo, you've been listening to me?

I'm talking about something very important.

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Adam Rifkin

Adam Rifkin, sometimes credited as Rif Coogan, is an American film director, producer, actor, and screenwriter. His career ranges from broad family comedies to dark and gritty urban dramas. He is best known for writing family-friendly comedies like Mouse Hunt and 2007's Underdog. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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