Hello Ladies: The Movie

Synopsis: When Stuart learns that his British ex girlfriend is planning to visit Los Angeles with her husband, he sets out to impress them with his glamorous lifestyle, enlisting a Russian model he has just met to play the role of his beautiful girlfriend. What could go wrong?
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Stephen Merchant
Production: HBO Films
Rotten Tomatoes:
85 min

Hello, ladies. Hi, my name's Stuart.

- My good friend Wade right here.

- Hi.

- Hi, I'm Ashleigh.

- Hi.

- This is Mel.

- How's it going?

- How's your night going?

- Good.

Someone just mistook her for Mila Kunis.

- Oh, yeah.

- Yes, you do look like Mila, doesn't she?

- Yeah.

- And you look like someone famous as well.

- Really?

- Yeah, who is it?

- I know who it is.

- It's a movie star, isn't it?

- Yes, it is. Yes, it is. It's Jude Law.

- Jude Law.

He's a man.

Beautiful man, though, isn't he?

- Gorgeous Jude.

- Definitely.

Hey, if Jude Law were

a woman, I'd date him.

There you go. Now, this guy's choosy.

You should see his ex-wife... beautiful.

- Sorry.

- Oh, don't worry.

Honestly, they'd be

lucky to have you, mate.

- I'm just pleased you're back on the horse.

- Yeah.

- Happy birthday.

- Thank you.

- Oh, man, we're all so old.

- Ugh.

You're 30 and I'm turning 26 next year.

- Yup, both of us. So old.

- Yeah.

- So how are you?

- Oh, I'm really good.

Yeah, I just booked a part in the

new Steven Spielberg miniseries.

- Oh, my God!

- Yeah.

- Congratulations. Wow.

- Thanks.

- Yeah, what about you?

- Oh, you know, just this and that.

Don't be modest. She has a

callback for a yogurt commercial.

- Yeah?

- Cool.

I love yogurt.

Oh, yeah, it's good for digestion.

Can I just say how much I love your dress?

Yes, you said that when

you hit on me an hour ago.

Oh, did I...

- And no change in the last hour?

- No.

- No, all right.

- You're not drinking tonight?

- I have a surprise for you guys.

- What?

We're having a baby.

- You wanna see a picture?

- Yeah.

- Oh, it's gorgeous.

- Thank you.

- It's so pretty.

- You know, it looks just like you.

Oh, really? Thank you.

- Oh, yeah. Wow.

- Oh.

- Be your turn next.

- Oh, no, no, no.

- I don't think so.

- We always use protection.

- You know the singer Bryan Adams,

right? - Yeah.

Did you know he can make

a girl come in 30 seconds?

- Ohh. - No, no. No one can make

a girl come in 30 seconds.

Oh, really? So you don't

want to know how he does it?

- Well, I will as I'm here.

- It's all in the fingers.

How do you know Bryan

Adams' fingering technique?

So a lot of people have been

coming up to me and saying, like,

"So what's the deal with you and Glenn?"

- Have they?

- Yeah.

- What do you say when people ask you that?

- Nobody asked me that.

Well, yeah, but, I mean, if

they did, what would you say?

I'd tell them to mind their own business.

Well, okay, yeah, but hypothetically,

if they made you answer,

what would you say?

- How would they make me? - If they

had a knife to your throat or something?

- I don't know.

- I'd rather go to the grave

than give them the

satisfaction of intimidating me.

Good for you.

Happy birthday.

- Yeah.

- Here we go.


- Did you make a wish? - No, I'm not

wishing for you to have a threesome, Stuart.

- You're so selfish.

- Hello?

- Hello, Stuey?

- Yeah, who's this?

- It's Trudy.

Guess what, I'm coming to Los Angeles.

Just a little boy

lost looking for a lamb

In the all-night city

Living in his lonely limousine

And though he never has to worry

He's the only one and only one

He's ever gonna need

Absolutely, he's in definite need

Ooh, maybe we've

been alone too long

You don't want to be lonely

Maybe we've been alone too long

You don't want to be lonely.

Okay, we're set.

And action.

- You're enjoying the yogurt.

- Mm.

Okay, could you do that sexier?

- Mm.

- No, sexier.


- Are you doing your sexy?

- Mm-hmm.

- That's your sexy?

- Yeah.

Okay, we're gonna leave the sexy for now.

- Ahem.

- Okay.

We're gonna have this

cartoon yogurt monster

and he's gonna chase you around

and try to steal your yogurt.

Can we show her the picture of Yogi?

This is the yogurt monster.

Okay, so imagine that

Yogi is standing behind you

and you're scared.

Okay, you're not that

scared. He's not a rapist.

Once again, please.

- Ahh.

- That's better.

He's come after you now and you're running.

- Oh, ah.

- Yeah, gotta run, gotta run from Yogi.

- Ah, whoa.

- Just keep going in a circle.

You're trying to sort of confuse him.

Kind of confuse the monster.

- Please go faster. Is that...

- Okay.

Is that really all you can do there?

- I just want to see a real amount

of speed here. - Yeah.

- And now you've fallen over.

- Oh.

There you go.

And he's coming up and...

oh, no, he's got your yogurt.

And you are furious about this and

you're shaking your fist at him.

Oh, Yogi.

No speaking. There's no dialog in this.

It's very important that you never speak.

Let's have you on your back and

sort of kick your legs up in the air.

Like a cockroach.

If you saw a disgusting cockroach,

you sprayed it with bug spray, and

now it's on its back just slowly dying.

Yup, just like a dirty,

little cockroach. There you go.

This is Glenn.

- Hey, Glenn. It's Stuart.

- Chicken Wings.

What's going on, buddy?

Oh, I'll tell you, mate, I'm

afraid I've come a-begging.

Got quite an important date coming up

and I need a super hot

chick to take with me.

I wondered if you had any sweet-ass

honeys you could send my way.

- Yeah, I can get you a prostitute.

- Mm.

No, no. I was thinking

more a friend or a client.

- Relative.

- Yeah.

I don't know if you have a sister,

but if she's half as attractive

as you, I'd be interested.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes

Stephen Merchant

Stephen James Merchant (born 24 November 1974) is an English writer, director, radio presenter, comedian, and actor. Merchant is best known for his collaborations with Ricky Gervais and Karl Pilkington, as the co-writer and co-director of the popular British sitcom The Office (2001–2003), co-writer and co-star of Extras (2005–2007) and co-host of The Ricky Gervais Show in its radio, podcast, audiobook and television formats; the radio version won a bronze Sony Award. He is also known for his voice role as Wheatley in the 2011 video game Portal 2. Merchant appeared as himself in the BBC series Life's Too Short (2011–2013), which he co-wrote and co-directed. He also voiced the computer program ConRad on The Simpsons in the 2016 episode "The Girl Code", co-developed the Sky1 travel series An Idiot Abroad (2010–2011) and performs as a stand-up comedian. He starred in his first play, Richard Bean's The Mentalists, at London's Wyndham's Theatre from July to August 2015. His varied endeavors have earned him three BAFTA Awards, four British Comedy Awards and a Primetime Emmy Award. Merchant had his first dramatic role in a film when he was cast as Caliban in the superhero film Logan (2017). more…

All Stephen Merchant scripts | Stephen Merchant Scripts

0 fans

Submitted on August 05, 2018

Discuss this script with the community:



    Translate and read this script in other languages:

    Select another language:

    • - Select -
    • 简体中文 (Chinese - Simplified)
    • 繁體中文 (Chinese - Traditional)
    • Español (Spanish)
    • Esperanto (Esperanto)
    • 日本語 (Japanese)
    • Português (Portuguese)
    • Deutsch (German)
    • العربية (Arabic)
    • Français (French)
    • Русский (Russian)
    • ಕನ್ನಡ (Kannada)
    • 한국어 (Korean)
    • עברית (Hebrew)
    • Gaeilge (Irish)
    • Українська (Ukrainian)
    • اردو (Urdu)
    • Magyar (Hungarian)
    • मानक हिन्दी (Hindi)
    • Indonesia (Indonesian)
    • Italiano (Italian)
    • தமிழ் (Tamil)
    • Türkçe (Turkish)
    • తెలుగు (Telugu)
    • ภาษาไทย (Thai)
    • Tiếng Việt (Vietnamese)
    • Čeština (Czech)
    • Polski (Polish)
    • Bahasa Indonesia (Indonesian)
    • Românește (Romanian)
    • Nederlands (Dutch)
    • Ελληνικά (Greek)
    • Latinum (Latin)
    • Svenska (Swedish)
    • Dansk (Danish)
    • Suomi (Finnish)
    • فارسی (Persian)
    • ייִדיש (Yiddish)
    • հայերեն (Armenian)
    • Norsk (Norwegian)
    • English (English)


    Use the citation below to add this screenplay to your bibliography:


    "Hello Ladies: The Movie" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 13 Jun 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/hello_ladies:_the_movie_9840>.

    We need you!

    Help us build the largest writers community and scripts collection on the web!

    Browse Scripts.com

    The Studio:

    ScreenWriting Tool

    Write your screenplay and focus on the story with many helpful features.