Head of the Family

Synopsis: Lance and Loretta are having a torrid affair behind her husband Howard's back. The problem is that Howard is brutal thug who is bound to catch the cheating pair sooner or later. To solve this problem, the lovers hatch a plan involving the Stackpoole family: a collection of misshapen freaks who waylay unsuspecting travellers and dissect them in gruesome experiments. Unfortunately, things don't go quite according to plan.
Genre: Comedy, Horror
Director(s): Charles Band
Production: Full Moon
82 min

Now you got

to understand Billy boy better

play nice with the merchandise.

You tell him I'm going to weigh

it on my own f***ing scale.

You short me again, I'm

going to break his other arm.

Sure, Howard,

yeah, I'll tell him.

And you f*** up Weasel, I'm

going to break your arm, too.

Howie, I know.

All right.

Now go on and get out of here.


Oh, Susie sometimes I feel

like a big old turd

in a small toilet.

Never makes you happy, honey.

And you, go easy on

that ice cream, huh.

You're starting to get all

poochy around the middle.

Geez Louise Howard,

it's f***ing ass milk.

Yeah, well it come out of

a cow and it make you fat.

Give a sh*t what you call it.

Hey, here comes the Stackpools.


Hello Rey, Rey.

Fill that out for the

Stackpools, will you.

How are you doing, Ernestina?

You all go with Rey,

he'll take care of you.

See you around, Ernestina.

That is without question the

most fuckable young lady I ever

seen outside a magazine.

Hell, don't bother me,

she's a retard.

Well, the way I hear it,

the only way

to get Ernestina is go

to her brother Otis.

You don't think I'd

take on the big dummy?

Oh, hell no.

I just want to be

around when you do it.

Yeah, I will.

Already got me a

sweet little chicken

and you know how I feel

about-- what's that word?


No, watch your

mouth, the other one

where you don't be

sleeping around?


Yeah, that's it.

Like on the high fi's--

high fidelity, yeah,

that's what I go for.

What a man with a brain,

pardon moi Howard but I'm going

to go to the ladies room.

And why don't you just talk

up, let everybody know about it.

You see what I got

to put up with.

[ Noise ]

Susie, watch the register.

I got to get some fries

from the basement.

But we got plenty--

Susie, don't mind

the inventory,

just watch the register.

[ Noise ]

Dammit, we ain't got

no time for foreplay.

Smart woman.

See you soon,

Ernestina, one day, cupcake.

Say it, baby, say it.

Call me Scarlet.

Say it Scarlet.

You're 10 times

the man Howard is.


Howard's got a little

dick, you're the real man.

He can't satisfy me.


Oh, Howard's a p*ssy.

Yeah. Then why the hell

did you married him, Lorretta?


Scarlet, why did

you do it, huh?

He's a wasn't he?

All right, well, now

I'm baby.

Ride your little baby lance.


I've never known

a woman who takes

so damn much time in the toilet.

I swear that woman's got a

bladder the size of acorn.

[ Noise ]

Oh, Lorretta, come on.

Hey, Lorretta, you down there?

Sh*t, Howard's coming.

Oh, so am I.

Lorretta, you in there?

[ Noise ]

Lorretta, you down here or what?

Hey, Lorretta you down here?

Yeah, Howard

she's in the employee bathroom

right in there.

Lorretta, are you in there?

What do you want?

What do you doing in there?

Toilet in the

ladies room is busted,

what do you think I'm doing?

Well, whatever you're doing,

hurry it up, we got to go.

Okay, I'm out,

you're happy now?

Yeah, just f***ing overjoyed.

Come on.

Lance, Lance,

Howard has to see you.


Has to see you.

Well, what exactly

did he say?

He said, "Go get

Lance, bring him over here

and move your poochy buns."

Did he seem upset?

I can't say that he did

but then he never does.

Oh, shoot.

Lance, it ain't that part

at the back of the restaurant,

not much of a headstart

if you get my drift.

Okay, Lorretta, okay.

We'll just play it cool.

Cool, right, cucumber.

Compress the bolt string

while holding the front

and flush.

F*** off, friggin' bolt strings.

Well, Lance in the pants,

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    "Head of the Family" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2023. Web. 6 Dec. 2023. <https://www.scripts.com/script/head_of_the_family_9736>.

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