Hatchet
Come on, Pa. We've been
out here over three hours.
I mean, we don't even know
where the hell she went.
She's at least...
a 12-footer
if I ever saw one.
No, I ain't leavin' here
without her.
Man, I'm cold.
Shh.
Shut your hole.
Come on, man.
Can we pull over?
I gotta take
a piss.
Go off the side
of the boat.
Come on.
We ain't beachin' it.
Sh*t.
Jesus Christ.
Oh, come on, man.
I can't go like this.
Why in the hell not?
Well, 'cause it's weird
with you sittin' there
like that.
Just keep it down,
would ya?
See, no matter
what I say,
it's,
"Shut up, Ainsley,"
or, "You're queer,
Ainsley,"
or, "Why can't you be more
like your sister, Ainsley?"
I said shut up,
you little queer.
See?
See that?
A**hole.
What'd you say, boy?
Nothin'.
Now, don't make me throw
you in the swamp, now.
Yeah, you go-
Jesus Christ!
Jesus, son, what happened?
She tried to bite
my sack off!
You let her get away,
you moron!
Well, what the hell
was I supposed to do?
For crying out loud,
can we just pull over,
so I can finish
my damn piss? Lord!
Y'all hurry up now.
Goddamn queer's
gotta squat to take a leak.
Oh, sh*t.
Keep still, Ainsley.
I think she's back.
Well, what should I do?
Don't make a sound.
Stay right there.
Pa?
Did you get her?
Pa?
Maybe we can go home now?
Pa?
Huh?
Pa?
Pa?
Pa?
Come on!
Come and get it,
you b*tch!
I'll kill you!
Oh, God!
It hurts!
Oh, God!
Help me!
I need some beads.
Cheer up, man. This is
Mardi Gras. This is fun.
And I'm having a blast.
Oh, oh, right here, right
here, right here. Look at that.
Oh! Look at those b*obs
right there.
Hey!
Hey.
They're somethin'
new, right?
Haven't you seen
enough b*obs?
I'm just not feelin' this.
I- I shoulda stayed at home.
What, so you could sit in your
room and cry about Heather?
Christine.
Man, man. We came down here
to have a good time.
You? You're fighting it.
There's fun all around you.
Stop standing there
like a b*tch.
How is this fun?
This place is disgusting.
Our hotel room smells
like sweaty balls, man.
Everybody's just drunk
and looking for a fight.
You! You threw up six times
yesterday. How do you even do that?
You guys just stay
and have fun, all right?
I'm gonna go find
something to do.
What, by yourself?
DeWitt and Robinson told me about
this haunted swamp tour thing
that they did last year;
they said it was amazing.
You see all these, like, floating
lights and stuff on the water. Just-
You wanna leave all of this to go
look at some damn lights in a swamp?
You don't have to
come with me, Marcus.
Look, I'll see you guys
back at the hotel.
Cool.
Man, wait up, wait up.
Wait up, man. I'll go-
Marcus, no,
go ahead and-
No, no, no. I'm goin'
with you. It's cool.
Thanks, man.
Buddy, you're gonna be
so psyched you did this.
I think I'd rather
skin my own dick.
Right. It's official.
Here it is.
No more chicks.
They're closed.
No. They can't
be closed.
But indeed they are. There's
a big "Closed" sign and it's-
You're still knocking.
All right, this sucks.
It doesn't suck.
It's gonna be cool.
For you,
'cause you suck.
Shut up!
What do you want?
Uh... we wanted to do
a haunted swamp tour.
I don't do
night tours anymore.
I'm not allowed to.
Okay, it's just that our friends told
us that you did one here last year.
I can't do
night tours anymore.
Insurance got too high...
after what happened.
Too bad. Let's roll.
- W-w-w-w-wait.
Uh, what happened?
Oh, you don't want
to know.
I so do.
Here we go.
I led a tour group
out in the swamp
last Halloween.
It was the midst of night.
Yeah?
And there was this kid
who looked kinda like you.
He got spooked by
something in the marsh.
He saw two eyes staring
at him from the woods.
Chilled him to
his very marrow.
He wanted to get
off the boat in a hurry.
And he had his foot
dangling over the edge.
He-
He fell in?
A gator got him?
What happened?
He slipped,
hit his head
right on the roof,
and sued me for negligence!
That cocksucker!
That's it?
Try Marie Laveau.
- Excuse me?
Two blocks east
on Olive Street.
But you didn't
hear it from me.
I have to go tend
to my birds.
Be careful walking
on the sidewalk.
- Wh-whoa, come on,
man, wait. - What?
It's dead as hell
down there, right?
Fun party...
bad badness.
Wait! Ben,
this is so lame!
How is this gonna help
you get over her?
Marcus, this whole scene
back here, it's just-
Every hot, half-naked chick
I see reminds me of Christine.
Y'know? Probably gettin'
banged by that Bulkowski guy,
in her living room, bent over that
beige loveseat that my mom bought her.
What happened to dating
a normal guy?
That guy's got a neck
the size of a truck.
And that whole cauliflower
ear? That's weird.
What, is he gonna wrestle
her to submission?
All right, stop stop stop, that's it.
- All right, okay.
I don't wanna think about
Bulkowski bangin' your girl anymore.
I don't either.
I get it.
Come on, man, this
is gonna be fun.
Guess there ain't no chicks at
the swamp. Won't be needin' these.
It'll be fun.
'Bout as fun as crabs.
- You would know.
Screw that waitress
from Fezziwig's, man.
You did.
I didn't know she had
bugs in her bush.
She was scratchin'
herself all night.
What do you mean,
you didn't know?
You can't hook up with itchy
chicks, Marcus. Everybody knows that.
She said it was a reaction
to her fabric softener, okay?
All right?
I saw it, I asked.
Fabric softener. Look
at you, mister big shot.
"Everyone knows that. " When's
the last time you got laid?
I have sex all the-
- Shut up.
Ladies.
This is really fun.
- Whoo!
Whoa.
That's good.
Good. Uh...
Uh... um...
Give us a kiss?
Ooh, yes.
Yeah, you love it.
You want it.
You need it.
Oh, damn, I-I gotta
change batteries.
God. Brush
your teeth much?
Lick me, b*tch.
No thanks, I like my tongue
without the syphilis.
You're syphilis,
miss big words.
Okay, that didn't
even make sense.
Lick me.
Misty, Jenna...
you can get along for a
couple more hours, can't ya?
Seriously, Doug? I can't
work with that.
I'm a professional actress.
I went to NYU.
What's so funny?
Like anybody's ever
even heard of that.
New York University?
- Never heard of it.
Girls, girls, nobody ever got
discovered by being difficult, huh?
I mean, I-I-I need you guys
to show me the love, all right?
- Fine. - I need to feel the
passion here, all right?
We're rolling.
All right. I need
to feel the passion.
We're rolling.
All right.
You're sensuous...
You're playful.
You're curious.
Hmm.
You're smitten.
Who's ready to do
some hauntin', huh?
Hahaha. The night will
soon be upon us.
The spirits of the damned
are on the rise.
Let's get our souls
on the move, my friends!
What can I do
you two for?
Do you do
a haunted swamp tour?
Why, I do the only
haunted swamp tour!
Real, live ghosts.
Whoo. Tales of the macabre.
And actual sites that are
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"Hatchet" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 2 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/hatchet_9675>.
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