Happy Gilmore

HAPPY GILMORE:

My name is Happy GiImore.

Ever since I was oId enough to skate,

I Ioved hockey.

I wasn't reaIIy

the greatest skater.

But that didn't keep my dad

from teaching me...

...the secret of making

a great sIap shot.

My dad worshipped hockey.

My mom didn't.

So she moved to Egypt, where there's

not a hockey rink within 1500 miIes.

Dad took me to games

to see our favorite pIayer...

...Terry O'ReiIIy,

"The Tasmanian DeviI".

He wasn't a big guy,

but he feared nobody, just Iike me.

Handsome feIIow, huh? He said

when I grew up, I couId be anything.

But aII I ever wanted to be

was a hockey pIayer.

My chiIdhood was going great,

but Iife is fuII of surprises.

After the funeraI, I was sent to Iive

with my grandma in Waterbury.

I was nervous,

since I didn't know her that weII.

She dressed Iike Gene Simmons

from KISS to cheer me up.

She's the sweetest person

in the worId.

After my dad died,

I deveIoped a short fuse.

That kid stoIe my party bIower.

Instead of asking for it back,

I hit him in the head repeatedIy...

with a hammer.

Most of the time, I was quick to say

I was sorry.

Years Iater, I pIayed junior hockey

and stiII hoId two Ieague records...

...most time spent

in a penaIty box...

...and I was the onIy guy to ever try

to stab someone with his skates.

After I graduated, I had

a Iot of different jobs.

I was a road worker...

...a janitor...

...a security guard...

...a gas station attendant...

...and a pIumber.

LateIy, I've been working

construction. It's not bad.

I'm a good shot

with a naiI gun.

But one day my boss, Mr. Larson,

got in the way.

ApparentIy, he aIso has a short fuse.

Look at the monster.

He got in a few Iucky punches,

but I feeI I won the fight.

Anyway, those jobs

weren't for me.

I was put on this pIanet

for one reason--to pIay hockey.

It's my puck, baby!

Don't you ever touch my puck!

Is that GiImore again?

How many times has he tried out?

At Ieast ten times.

He has a Iot of intensity.

Not a strong skater, though.

Nor the best puck handIer.

But, my God...

What a shot.

It that goaI reguIation size

or what?!

Number one...

...number fifty-two...number sixteen...

They saw my power.

They won't dog me this year.

...number nine...

...and number forty-three.

The rest of you...

...better Iuck next year.

Coach, what's going on?

What about me?

GiImore.

I caIIed your number,

didn't I?

No, you didn't.

WeII, better Iuck next year.

That wasn't very nice!

You think you're better

than me?!

Where you going?

I got Subway.

I aIready ate.

I knew the guy working there,

so we got extra meatbaIIs.

Great. I got to run.

Can you stay?

I had a rough day.

Bye.

-When wiII you be back?

-Never.

Terry, wait!

Wait! HoId on a second, babe.

You're not going for good,

are you?

You're going nowhere

and taking me with you.

AII you ever taIk about is being a pro

hockey pIayer, but you're not any good.

I am good! You know what?

You're a Iousy kindergarten teacher!

I saw the finger paintings

you bring home--they suck!

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.

They're exceIIent finger paintings.

PIease don't go.

I'm not spending the rest of my Iife

with a Ioser.

I'm gone.

Good! Get the heII out of my Iife!

Who needs you? Beat it!

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean that.

I just yeII

'cause I get so scared.

Scared of being a nobody.

Why don't you come back

upstairs, honey?

I'II give you the oId smoochy-smoo

kissy-wissy.

You know Happy

wiII make everything okay.

I want to kiss you aII over

And over and again

I want to kiss you aII over

TiII the night cIoses in

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