1.EXT. HAPPY'S RESTAURANT - NIGHT.1.

The sign is illuminated.

2.INT. HAPPY'S RESTAURANT - NIGHT.2.

Pretty, 30ish JOY JORDAN and teary-eyed STUART sit opposite

each other. He is trying to resist bursting into tears as

they finish dessert.

JOY:

Stuart?� Are you okay?

STUART:

Yeah. Sure. I'm fine.

JOY:

Good. Well. I had a really nice time.

STUART:

Yeah. Me too.

JOY:

Of course, you know I've always

had a nice time with you.

STUART:

Same here.

JOY:

But�

STUART:

Yeah.

JOY:

You understand.

STUART:

Unh.

JOY:

And you don't hate me?

STUART:

No.

JOY:

'Cause you know I could never

hate you. At the same time, I just

don't think I could ever�you know�

you. In the way you should be�

STUART:

Yeah.

JOY:

And deserve to be.

STUART:

Unh hunh.

JOY:

Well. The food here was excellent�

I'm gonna recommend it to my

sisters! How many stars did it get?

STUART:

Three and a half.

And the dam cracks wide open. He bawls. A pause.

JOY:

Do you feel better now?

(STUART nods)

Me too.

STUART:

I'm sorry.

JOY:

It's really good we had this talk.

STUART:

Yeah.

JOY:

Before things went too far�

You know, got too serious.

STUART:

Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm too serious.

JOY:

No, you're not. It's me.

STUART:

No, it's me.

JOY:

Okay. It's you. I'm sorry.

STUART:

Okay.

Pause.

JOY:

'Cause I mean�

STUART:

I know.

JOY:

The thing is, I want to do what's

right � for both of us. I spent

a lot of time�examining�my heart.

And I felt that you deserved

my honesty.

STUART:

Thanks.

Pause.

JOY:

Now I just want to make you

whole again.

STUART:

I'm whole.

JOY:

Really?

STUART:

Really.

JOY:

�'Cause I was afraid we wouldn't

be able to be friends anymore.

STUART:

(laughing, sort of)

Oh, Joy!

JOY:

Oh, but you know how it is.

And well, most guys�

STUART:

I'm not most guys.

JOY:

I know. If only most guys were

like you.

STUART:

But then I'd be like most guys.

JOY:

(laughs)

Oh, Stuart. If only I felt the way

I'd like to feel with you� Life is

so unfair. It's all my fault.

STUART:

I know.

(a beat)

Are you sure�?

JOY:

Yes.

Pause.

STUART:

Is it someone else?

JOY:

No, it's just you.

Pause.

STUART:

I want to show you something

I got for you.

JOY:

For me?

STUART:

(hands her a gift)

Open it up.

JOY:

(discovers a pewter ashtray)

Oh, but Stuart. This is�oh,

this is beautiful.

STUART:

Thanks. It's a Gainsevoort

reproduction. Boston, late 1800's.

I sent away for it just after

we had our�first date.

JOY:

Oh, I just love it. It's a�it's a

collector's item.

STUART:

Yeah, it is pretty special.

JOY:

(laughs)

It almost makes me want to start

smoking again!

STUART:

Look at the bottom.

JOY:

(examines more closely)

Ooh.

STUART:

Forty karat gold-plate inlaid base.

JOY:

Oh, Stuart. Thank you. This really

means something to me. I'll always

treasure it�as a token�

STUART:

No, you won't.

(retrieves his gift;

a sudden shift in emotion:)

'Cause this is for the girl who

loves me. The girl who cares for me,

for who I am, not what I look like.

I wanted you to know what you'd be

missing. You think I don't appreciate

art. You think I don't understand

fashion. You think I'm not hip.

You think I'm pathetic, a nerd,

a lard-ass fatso. You think I'm shit.

Well, you're wrong. 'Cause I'm

champagne. And you're shit.

And till the day you die, you,

not me, will always be shit.

3.EXT. ROAD - NIGHT.3.

Thunder. Rain. STUART's car drives by.

4.INT. STUART'S CAR - NIGHT.4.

JOY sits beside STUART, who is driving. A plastic "World of

Pewter" shopping bag hangs by the glove compartment.

5.EXT. JOY'S PLACE - NIGHT.5.

The car pulls over.

JOY:

Well, good night.

STUART:

Good night.

JOY gets out. STUART drives away.

FADE TO BLACK.

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