Hai-Alarm am Muggelsee

Genre: Comedy
Production: X Filme Creative Pool
103 min

Public lido, Friedrichshagen, Berlin

Mouth organ:
Leander Haumann

Sven Regener

What's going on here then?

40 years earlier

Ho Chi Minh Zoo and animal supplies


What do you want with guppies?


This is the next big thing,

the only one of its kind!

Some sort of shark, but small.

It won't gm:
any more,

and it doesn't do anything.

There he is.

Three years later

Another three years go by

Kids, do me a favour

and look after the poor creature.

Owning a pet means

assuming responsibility.

Hawaii, 34 years later

that's today

well kind of like before,

when the hand thing happened

Damn phantom limb pain.

Where the sun always shines

and there's never a shark to be seen.

Terrible is the shark,

splendid is Hawaii

With no green card

you'll save enough on tax

To buy a houseboat big

enough for you and I

And sail once halfway

around the world.

Lonely is the hunter,

lovely is the roe

The sun that shines all day long

will sometime melt the snow

And what you said

will hurt no more

In Friedrichshagen

by Lake Mggel on the shore.

Sharks are in the water

and people are on land,

But not every hunter

gladly wears the green.

Sharks have gills,

and people have ears

And once I pledged

you eternal love.

Muddy is the Havel,

happy is the Spree

When the ship runs aground,

the cap'n's had a shot in his tea.

And what you said

will hurt no more

In Friedrichshagen

by Lake Mggel on the shore.

Shark Alarm on Lake Mggel

Where is my child?

Hold it, hold it there,

we'll take everything.

Main thing is that the battery holds.

Surf Paddle School

Inauguration Party

Ladies and gentlemen

of Friedrichshagen...

This is where he hangs around

and I'm worried sick.

Ladies and gentlemen

of Friedrichshagen...

We've come over from Kpenick.

Aren't we all Berliners?

Yes, that's right, we are all Berliners,

but Friedrichshagen is not Berlin,

just a part of Berlin,

and, as such, is Friedrichshagen.

Therefore, ontologically speaking,

the Friedrichshagener

isn't primarily a Berliner,

but more

in a secondary

and tertiary sense.

Because Friedrichshagen

actually belongs to Kpenick,

and Kpenick to Berlin.

And Friedrichshagen is to Kpenick

as Santa Monica is to Hollywood.

I'd prefer to think of it

as the Vatican is to Rome.

And therefore,

as I was saying,

Surf-paddling was invented

in Friedrichshagen

and by extension also in Kpenick

and therefore also in Berlin,


I'd like to declare the Surf-Paddling

School of Friedrichshain...


I mean Friedrichshagen...

to mm be open!

Let me take the first paddle.

Give it some Welly, Klaus!

So what do you say about this?

Why me?

- You're the Mayor.

But it's not my hand...

What do you think?

Strong stuff!

What's with him?

- That's Klaus Dogma.

He was once the coming man

of Norwegian film.

Is he Norwegian?

- No.

No, but he took everything too

personally the hits, the ops...

Look at this crab!

Or is it a jellyfish?


The Friedrichshagener is seen as an

oddball, since he can't be pigeonholed.

And that's hm! he comes by his

love of life, in my opinion.

The Friedrichshagener is the

Italian of the Berliners.

Although we're more

east than south here.

It's that Mediterranean lifestyle

that makes us so easy-going.

What d'you think? This it?

Just take a look at that!

So we're off again?

Yes. Cheeri off you go.

Should we look for something else?

- I wouldn't know what.

We saw that old car.

Should we take a closer look at it?

Old car? Where?

Corner of BIschestrae and


If you must. Have a look.

So what was it,

a circular saw?

Circular saw? Underwater?

Where'd it get the electricity?

It takes 380 volts.

You won't get that underwater.

I know something about this.

I made honor films

in New York.

A circular saw gives a straight cut,

not a ragged mess like this.

D'you want this back?

Nope. Too late.

I've got the new one now.

It's a good one.

If it wasn't a circular saw,

what was it?

Whatever it was,

it's still out there, I reckon.

Perhaps now we should consider

the city's marketing point of view.

There are three possibilities

of dealing with this situation

with the city's branding in mind:

a) we issue a shark alarm

or b) we carry on as before

c) no one goes in the water

but in a positive way.

Any questions?

What I don't get is,

if we carry on as before,

what use is that to us?

You mean b)?

- Yes, b).

That's plan b) and doesn't come

into question, yet.

I like shark alarm.

That's a).

Shark alarm?

Just for my hand?

Then c).

Or d).

- d) doesn't exist.

And who are you exactly?

I am the Fish Expert

from Humboldt University.

I've been called up.

- Not by me.

No, by my wife,

but that's another story.

What I wanted to say was:

d) someone catches the carp.

- Carp? I thought it was a shark.

Carp doesn't work.

It has no traction


- It's a Bighead Carp.

They bite?

- No.

Yes, well...

the Bighead Carp

is a sociable, freshwater fish

from the carp family

that came from Asia in the '60s

Then I'm for c).

- Me too.

What was c) again?

No one goes in the water,

but positive!

Hooold on!

What's this nun?

Just look at you!

Is this a gay parade or what?

Got something against gays?

- Got something against gays?

What, me? Against gays?

Would I have a hand like this

if I had something against gays?

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Leander Haußmann

Leander Haußmann (sometimes Haussmann) (born 26 June 1959, Quedlinburg) is a German theatre and film director. The son of actor Ezard Haußmann and costume designer Doris Haußmann, he attended the Ernst Busch theatre school in Berlin. He was the theatre director of the city theatre in Bochum (Schauspielhaus Bochum). He also wrote and acted in several plays (1995-2000), and had a role in the Detlev Buck film, Männerpension. His feature film breakthrough came with Sonnenallee in 1999. His second feature, Herr Lehmann, followed in 2003. His production of Die Fledermaus in Munich was controversial, compounding the trouble surrounding his production of Peter Pan. As a result, his scheduled production of Romeo and Juliet was cancelled. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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