Goodbye Christopher Robin

1

ALAN:
Daphne?

Yes?

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(SOLDIERS SCREAMING)

(FLIES BUZZING)

(PANTING)

(WALTZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHTER)

Do excuse me.

Poor Blue.

Are you feeling odd?

Come on.

I'll let you dance with me.

Come on.

You're the man.

Take the lead.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(GRUNTS)

Damn it. I'm sorry.

Well, I should

think so too!

You laddered my stockings.

Don't mind them.

They're all just jealous

because my husband is the

only one clever enough...

...not to get himself killed.

I say, do you mind

if I cut in?

Oh!

Ernest!

Hello, Blue.

You'll just have to

find another partner, Daph.

All right.

I was at the Somme.

That was a bad show.

They were all bad shows.

Where were you?

Passchendaele.

Exactly.

Milne! You're back.

Rupert.

How splendid you look.

And Shepard! Punch's funniest

writer and best illustrator.

Ready to put a smile back

on our faces?

Oh, yes. In fact, I wrote

a brilliant little farce

while I was at the front.

Did you really?

I sat there with my

typewriter, glass of sherry...

...knocked it out while

the whizz bangs

popped all around us.

Sometimes the gas would

steam my glasses up,

you know,

but apart from that...

Well, this is wonderful news.

I can't wait to read it.

(GLASS CLINKING)

(APPLAUSE)

Milne.

Right.

Where to start?

A few years ago in Sarajevo,

one Archduke was shot.

And the next thing we know,

ten million

non-archdukes are shot.

And for what?

What a jolly little farce.

But I know that

the final curtain...

...is surely coming

for archdukes

and top hats and the like...

...and for all

the other fools...

...who led ordinary decent

folk to the slaughter.

So, what can one say but...

...Tinketty Tonk.

Tinketty Tonk.

ALAN:
We were

always exhausted.

Never quite knew if we

were awake or dreaming.

And the flies.

Big bloated blue bottles.

Not just the flies

themselves...

...but the thought

they used to be maggots.

And when they were maggots,

they were eating...

That's quite enough of that.

I'm sorry,

I thought you were asleep.

You know, if you don't

think about a thing,

then it ceases to exist.

It's true. I read about it.

It's all in Plato.

It's called philosophy.

Oh, philosophy.

Well, I hope you know

you're laughing at Plato.

(ALAN LAUGHING)

(DAPHNE EXHALES)

Blue, life is full of

frightful things.

The great thing

is to find something

to be happy about

and stick to that.

Hmm?

(DAPHNE SCREAMING)

DAPHNE:
Oh, my G...

Get it out!

It's quite all right.

It's all going swimmingly.

It's not all right!

Where is he? Blue!

Blue?

That's me.

Perhaps I should...

She's a silly girl.

(DAPHNE CONTINUES SCREAMING)

(BABY CRYING)

Here he is, sir.

(COOS)

Perfect birth, sir.

However,

Mrs. Milne was unaware of

the mechanics of the thing.

Ah.

(SOBBING)

(SNIFFLES)

Daphne.

Get him out.

Daph...

I will not have him

see me blubbing.

Probably best, sir.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

ALAN:
Latest Milne

production debuted

at 20 past 6:
00

this morning...

...weighing in at

a startling nine pounds.

Good heavens.

(ALL CONGRATULATING)

At least the midwife

says nine pounds.

I have the distinct

impression that

midwives are a little

like anglers, you know?

Prone to exaggerate

the size of the catch.

(LAUGHTER)

Shall I propose a toast?

A double toast!

There's to be a revival

of Alan's play

Mr. Pim Passes By

at the Kingsway.

(CORK POPS)

(GUESTS CHATTERING)

You all right?

Yes.

I'm the same

when my motorbike backfires.

I've been thinking

of moving down

to the countryside where

it's peaceful and quiet.

Don't tell Daphne,

for God's sake.

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