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Eric B. Hansen
Goldilocks and the Three Bears
By Robert Southey
Birds CHIRPING. Black screen.
EXT. FORREST - MORNING
porridge in front of them.
It’s too hot Tom isn’t it?
No. Lemme cool it in the window
KAREN gets up, moves to grab the porridge.
Karen please it’s fine.
Every time you sit there passively
I-I just-ah for god sakes Tom.
What? Are you serious? It’s 7 am on
a Saturday. What could I possibly
have done to you already?
me. It’s about what you’re not
doing. Get MAD for once. You KNOW
FOOT DOWN! We all know the porridge
...It’s too f*cking hot dad...
TOM bear winces but lets the ‘f*ck’ slide.
It’s TOO hot Tom. And you just sit
there and you take it. You burn
porridge in there--and you smile
Jesus, Karen. What do you want from
me? You want me to maul you like a
river trout? Is that it? You want
me to attack you like you're a lost
hiker in the woods or something?
Huh? Prove I'm 'bear' enough?
No Tom. Just show me a hint that
you care. A tiny little something.
Ya Tom. A little something.
Can you stop? You're a baby. (to
Why is he talking like this?...
I can’t take anymore of this
"passive Tom" routine...
Beat. He stares at her contemplating.
wrapped around him from behind.
hot. It’s too hot and we are going
for a walk! We are going for a walk
and we are going to let this
porridge cool. Are we cool family?
(scanning TOM with her
...I can maybe work with this.
let's see how long you can keep
this act up, ok Alpha Daddy?
Ok. Great. Put the porridge
she hoists her key in the air.
YOUNG FEMALE (CONT’D)
Up in her. Up in her.
(cringe rapping to the
tune of DMX - Up in Here)
Dee. I'm so hungry.
stroking the spoon suggestively.
Oooo...you know what they say abott
big shhpoons? Ye know?
Ye know? (dizzy)
bowl of porridge, SHHMACK down all over her.
F*CK! Thats hot! Jehzuzzz...
You sure this is your Grammas
Looks at it.
Hhuh? ... wh...whay...where?
GOLDIE sits on KAREN's chair.
I uh. ya Dee. she's a big ol' teddy
bear. Pfft hahaha. Why’ru so silly
Huh? I love you. I really love you.
You’re so nice too me like Gramma.
EEWW! F*CK! F*CKING COLD! I swear
ever. I don’t believe it Deadra. I
be that cold it’s gross. It’s
Hey. Your Gramps was such a stud
when he was young.
GOLDIE tries PRESTON's porridge.
Mmmm. Fawk. Dee. You gotta try
Are you kidding me bitch, It's
f*cking JUST right...
please. I broke it all. It's
I know. Kay come on. Get up...
DEADRA helps her up to her feet.
30 am. You gotta go to bed.
Cuz I wanna go to bed to, so come
on, let's go upstairs. Upsie daisy.
I'm not coming down! I’m going
single door way leading to a washroom.
Dee! help! this bed is far too
DEADRA runs over.
Come on. Where are ya?
(yelling to Goldie)
Goldie! reach for my arm!
I can’t see anything Dee. What
way's is up? I don’t even know.
Just leave me here to die!
You’re not gonna die.
Ok. Got your arm Dee. I got it. I’m
I got it. Your arm...
I know baby.
Uhhhh-the bed shit me out Dee. You
see that shit? It shit me...
Ya sweetie. I saw. Ok, up you go.
Oh Dee, you should feel this. It’s
like I’m sleeping in the good
porridge. It's so nice. Thank you
for taking care of me. Dee, thank
you for takin...ca.. zzzzzzzzz
GOLDIE passes out.
she sees the front door.
DEADRA tucks her in.
Sweet dreams kiddo.
A few beats.
door used to be.
A few more beats.
Jesus. H. Christ.
We closed the door right?
Well, what are you waiting for?
What do you mean? Robbers? Could be
a home invasion!
Ya Karen. A goddamn invasion!
Quiet you little puke!
Home invasion? I swear to god
Fine! You want me to bust in there?
“Freeze scumbags, it's the Coppers
see? Put your hands up and we might
go easy on ya mugs”
What is that supposed to be? An old
Ya old timey--like Dick Tracy kind
Oh ya? Thats nice, that’s really
Ok! Jesus. Quiet. So much for the
element of surprise Karen. Shhh.
Look. Someone’s been sitting in my
Ya. I KNOW Karen.
He knows Karen.
(PRESTON spots his chair
chair and broke it!
house to sit in chairs and eat
porridge is obviously a drug
tweeker of some sort. I do not want
them to hear us. My dear family,
respectfully, please shut the f*ck
Wait, did you just say someone was
eating your porridge?
Ya. “Somebody has been eating my
porridge.” That's what I said.
Somebody's been eating my porridge
and they ate it all.
Where did that come from? What are
you gonna do with that?
Somebody's been sitting in our
chairs, eating our porridge, and
possibly shitting in our toilet...
This is my house.
Somebody's been sleeping in my bed.
I told you!
and SNIFFING his pillow.
Mmmm. Somebody's been sleeping in
my bed. They smell like vanilla.
closed bathroom door.
Somebody's been shittin’ in my
“Where There’s Smoke, There’s Fire.” By Johnnie Taylor
CREDITS - THE END
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