Gladiatress Page #3

I mean, will he wait?

Goodbye! Goodbye! Have a nice trip.

Left hand up the hill.

Right, everyone, back to work.

(Mutters)

My love!

I... I go!

But I shall return with my sister.

(Sniffs) Pguh!

And more arresting breasts.

I'm going to somehow get bigger breasts

and it's going to be fine.

But I don't...

(Sobs)

I don't even know where Rome is. Sh*t.

(Eerie hiss)

Gods, I need your help.

- You're not kidding.

- (Screams)

Are you from the Other World?

I'm Andrasta. Goddess of victory.

Yes!

- Your mission...

- Ahh!

..to save your sister is hopeless.

But you have another sister.

Smirgut the Fierce.

We do not speak of her.

You do not speak of her because there is

bad blood between her and Dwyfuc.

Smirgut had this bucket of blood

to use for a pudding but it went off

and then Dwyfuc accidentally

tipped it over her head.

Smirgut was absolutely livid.

It is only by Smirgut that your fate can be turned.

And even then,

you must persuade her to help you.

But they hate each other.

And she lives in the north,

with the Briganti

and they're really, really rough.

And they talk like tha

and they wear their mongs long at the back,

like a...a mullet.

And um...they've got three nipples.

# Ive got a little Gaul,

Jean Marcosivellaunivironmandiboule

Yaarrgggggh!

Oh!

Im looking for someone called Smirgut.

- (Gasps)

- No, Im her sister.

(Screams)

I think we must be close.

(Wolf howls in distance)

(Modern dance music)

(Raucous shouts)

(Cheering)

(Cheering)

Don't ever touch my pint, you ranky git!

(Growls like a lion)

Pig?

Is it really you?

(Bones crunch)

- You've really picked up the accent.

- F*** off!

- You haven't changed.

- I know.

How's the drinking? Any...incidents?

None. Clean.

Right off it. Don't touch it. Not even tempted.

- I nearly lost my gooseberry.

- You didn't?

- Yeah.

- Who?

- Oh, not old Squinty Greenteeth the pig man?

- No! Gods, no!

(Laughs) No. No, he chucked me.

With um, a Gaul.

Yeah. I got lucky for once.

How's Mummy?

Fine.

Yeah.

And that stuck-up...b*tch of a sister?

Dead, I hope?

No. She's...fine.

Pity.

I would have written but er...no alphabet,

or paper.

What's the matter?

Ive said the thing which is not true.

- What, lied?

- Yes.

- Some Romans came, you see...

- (Growls)

and um...that's why Im here.

Because they...they took away...

..they took...they took away...

Mummy!

Yes.

(Growls)

We'll head for the coast. There's a druid there

who does boats and prophesies.

Be back later, love. Ta-ta, children.

CHILDREN:
Bye, Mum!

Don't eat the pets.

- Blow that when we get to a corner.

- (Blows horn)

- That's not a corner!

- Sorry, it's your accent.

Shut it!

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