Get Smart

[IN RUSSIAN]

[IN KOREAN]

[YELLS]

[IN ARABIC]

[IN ARABIC]

[ABBA'S "TAKE A CHANCE ON ME"

PLAYS ON HEADPHONES]

WOMAN:
And this display is all that's left

of CONTROL, a secret spy agency...

...which once battled against

the criminal syndicate known as KAOS.

CONTROL was disbanded

at the end of the Cold War.

Okay, up next, an exhibit...

[BEEPING]

Judy, the elevator is still doing that thing

where it drops really fast.

Are you sure Maintenance fixed that?

Let me check.

Yep, they fixed it.

See you later.

- Hey, Max.

MAX:
Agent 50.

[FLY BUZZING]

how'd a fly even get in here?

- Hey, Max.

- Max!

Hey, Larabee, 91.

Yeah, big day. Could be

your last chance to push a pencil.

Field-agent test results are due.

Oh. Is that today?

I wasn't really thinking about it.

Can you imagine Max as an agent?

Little suit, little shoes.

[LAUGHING]

Uh-oh. Two-nerd pile-up.

[IMITATES CARS CRASHING]

- Move!

- Ow!

- Move!

- Ow!

- Move!

- Ow!

Pretty boys. Nothing but empty suits.

- Good morning, Bruce, Lloyd.

- Why would you wanna be an agent?

I mean, lab guys like us, analysts like you,

we're the real soldiers.

BRUCE:
We're the true guardians

of freedom and democracy.

And I hear we're getting

a new cappuccino machine.

No, that's only for agents.

Oh.

MAN:

Hey, Agent 23 is back.

Thank you. Thank you, thank you.

- Welcome back, 23.

- Maxie.

So how was the assassination?

Maxie, you know assassinations

are specifically prohibited...

...by executive order 12333.

[ALL LAUGHING]

- I could if I wanted to.

- Yes, you... Oh. Oh!

Did you see that face he made? Scary.

Six months' work. 18 million dollars.

Fricking agents, man.

MAN:

Come on, let's see it.

MAX:
A lot of chatter in this region

involves nuclear material.

You may remember

from page 627 of my last report...

...that there has been an uptick

in KAOS interest in nukes.

[BEEPING]

To wit, I offer

the following conversation.

What are you doing? Are you texting?

Yeah, letting my fiancee know

we won't be able to get married in June.

I'll still be in this meeting.

AGENT 23:
Can I see that a second?

- Yeah.

That's great.

[CRACKING]

That's weird. You lost your signal.

Sorry to interrupt, Maxie, go ahead.

Next time use your own damn phone.

Good morning, men. No, offense, Karen.

Snappy tie.

Sorry I'm late, but I just came out

of a budget meeting...

...with our incredibly abrasive, dismissive

and sarcastic vice president.

MAX:

It's no problem.

I have obtained a snippet,

at great risk to a busboy in Balahd.

[MAN SPEAKING IN PUNJABI

ON RECORDING]

"Aftab, how is your coffee?"

"Good, Dalip, it's decaf.

How is yours?"

"It is good also.

How is your muffin?"

Powerful stuff.

So "muffin," then, is a code word?

No, it is comfort food...

...and quite frankly, more

fattening than most people realize.

Which begs the question...

...why would two

hardened KAOS agents...

...risk the carbs?

Because they are under

a great deal of stress.

- Hence the decaf.

- For Aftab, yes.

Dalip takes his full-strength. Why?

Because he has been sleeping

on the couch for three days...

...because he called his sister-in-law

a "leathery hag."

People often say things

in anger they don't really mean.

People often say things

in anger they don't really mean.

Leathery hag, fat cow, ungrateful whore.

Just words, really, that shouldn't

be used against you in a custody hearing.

Let it go, man. Those kids

don't even look like you.

Can we put a pin in this, please...

...and go back to Max's

extraordinarily detailed report?

Thank you, Chief. All I'm saying is...

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