George Carlin: Life Is Worth Losing

Synopsis: George Carlin continues making people laugh with his 13th HBO stand-up special.
Director(s): Rocco Urbisci
  Nominated for 1 Primetime Emmy. Another 2 nominations.
75 min

Thank you!

Thank you! Thank you!


Thank you very much!

Thank you!

I'm a modern man! A man for the millennium!

Digital and smoke-free!

A diversified, multi-cultural

post-modern deconstructionist...

...politically, anatomically and

ecologically incorrect...

I've been uplinked and downloaded,

I've been inputted and outsourced...

I know the upside of downsizing,

I know the downside of upgrading...

I'm a high-tech low-life!

A cutting-edge, state of the art...

bi-coastal multi-tasker, and I can give you

a gigabyte in a nanosecond!

I'm new-wave, but I'm old-school;

and my inner child is outward-bound...

I'm a hot-wired, heat-seeking,

warm-hearted cool customer...

...and I'm voice-activated

and bio-degradable...

I interface with my database;

and my database is in cyberspace... I'm interactive, I'm hyperactive

and from time to time I'm radioactive!

Behind the eight ball,

ahead of the curve, ridin'

the wave, dodgin' the bullet,

pushin' the envelope!

I'm on point, on task,

on message and off drugs!

I've got no need for coke and speed!

I've got no urge to binge and purge!

I'm in the moment, on the edge,

over the top, but under the radar...

A high-concept, low profile,

medium-range ballistic missionary...

A street-wise smart bomb,

a top-gun bottom-feeder...

I wear power ties, I tell power lies,

I take power naps, I run victory laps...

I'm a totally ongoing, big-foot, slam-dunk

rainmaker with a pro-active outreach...

A raging workaholic, a working rageaholic;

out of rehab and in denial!

I've got a personal trainer,

a personal shopper,

a personal assistant

and a personal agenda!

You can't shut me up!

You can't dumb me down!

'Cause I'm tireless, and I'm wireless,

I'm an alpha-male on beta-blockers.

I'm a non-believer, I'm an over-achiever;

Laid-back and fashion-forward.

Up-front, down-home,

low rent, high-maintenance!

Super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition,

fast-acting, oven-ready and built to last!

I'm a hands-on,

footloose, knee-jerk, head case;



...and I have a love child

who sends me hate-mail!

But I'm feeling, I'm caring,

I'm healing, I'm sharing...

A supporting, bonding, nurturing

primary-care giver...

My output is down, but my income is up!

I take a short position on the long bond,

...and my revenue stream has

its own cash flow.

I read junk mail, I eat junk food,

I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports...

I'm gender-specific, capital-intensive,

user-friendly and lactose intolerant!

I like rough sex; I like tough love,

I use the f-word in my e-mail...

...and the software on my hard drive

is hard-core - No soft porn!

I bought a microwave at a mini-mall.

I bought a mini-van at a mega-store...

I eat fast-food in the

slow lane, I'm toll-free,

bite-size, ready-to-wear,

and I come in all sizes!

A fully equipped, factory-authorized,


clinically proven, scientifically

formulated medical miracle!

I've been pre-washed, pre-cooked,

pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved,

pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried,

double-wrapped, vacuum-packed, and...

I have an unlimited broadband capacity!

I'm a rude dude, but

I'm the real deal.

Lean and mean. Cocked,

locked and ready to rock!

Rough, tough, and hard to bluff.

I take it slow, I go with the flow...

I ride with the tide,

I've got glide in my stride...

Drivin' and movin', sailin' and spinnin',

jivin' and groovin, wailin' and winnin'...

I don't snooze, so I don't lose!

I keep the pedal to the metal

and the rubber on the road...

I party hearty!

And lunchtime is crunch time.

I'm hangin' in,

there ain't no doubt...

...and I'm hangin' tough.

Over and out!

Thank you! Thank you!

Thank you very much!

Way to go! Thank you!

Hey! I've got 341 days over and next year's

my 50th anniversary in show business... let's do a f***ing show! Huh?

You know some people don't talk about' em

in public anymore? Pussyfarts!

So, anyway...

I said that on my last

HBO show and apparently

some people don't know

what a pussyfart is...!

...'cause I got some inquiries...

Here's the deal!

A pussyfart is like when you're making

love to a woman...

...who's got a little extra air

in her vagina...

...and every time you thrust forward

there's kind of a...

And the two of you,

just lyin' there, each

is wonderin' if the

other one farted...

And the man is usually thinking:

"Maybe she farts when she comes!"

"Maybe she took a sh*t!"

"Man, I gotta stay out of that

f***ing bar!"

Another word you don't hear too often

is "Dingleberries!"

You know? You never hear it

in "Meet the Press?"

The dingleberry solution,

the dingleberry-gate... Nothing!

I guess this is 'cause

"dingleberries" is one of them

words you don't say too much

past your tenth birthday!

It't not a grown-up's word!

It's a kid's word!


Always sounded kinda Christmasy to me!

Won't you say there's a holiday ring to it?


"John, you may want to hang some

dingleberries over the front door!"

"And when Mary Ann comes over she

can kiss you under the Dingleberries!"

It is to be devoutedly wished

that she would kiss me...

...under the Dingleberries!

"Cornhole" is another word you

don't hear enough!

You don't hear that

nearly enough, you know!

It's a good word! A solid word!

It's a tough word! It's

a man's kind of word!

Rate this script:4.1 / 17 votes

George Carlin

George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author, and social critic. Carlin was noted for his black comedy and reflections on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and various taboo subjects. He and his "seven dirty words" comedy routine were central to the 1978 U.S. Supreme Court case F.C.C. v. Pacifica Foundation, in which a 5–4 decision affirmed the government's power to regulate indecent material on the public airwaves. He is widely regarded as one of the most important and influential stand-up comics; one newspaper called Carlin "the dean of counterculture comedians". In April 2004, he placed second on the Comedy Central list of "Top 10 Comedians of US Audiences".The first of Carlin's 14 stand-up comedy specials for HBO was filmed in 1977. From the late 1980s, Carlin's routines focused on sociocultural criticism of American society. He often commented on contemporary political issues in the United States and satirized the excesses of American culture. He was a frequent performer and guest host on The Tonight Show during the three-decade Johnny Carson era, and hosted the first episode of Saturday Night Live in 1975. His final HBO special, It's Bad for Ya, was filmed less than four months before his death. In 2008, he was posthumously awarded the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. In 2017, Rolling Stone magazine ranked him second (behind Richard Pryor) on its list of the 50 best stand-up comics of all time. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "George Carlin: Life Is Worth Losing" STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 30 May 2024. <>.

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