George Carlin: Life Is Worth Losing

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Thank you!

Thank you! Thank you!

Go!

Thank you very much!

Thank you!

I'm a modern man! A man for the millennium!

Digital and smoke-free!

A diversified, multi-cultural

post-modern deconstructionist...

...politically, anatomically and

ecologically incorrect...

I've been uplinked and downloaded,

I've been inputted and outsourced...

I know the upside of downsizing,

I know the downside of upgrading...

I'm a high-tech low-life!

A cutting-edge, state of the art...

bi-coastal multi-tasker, and I can give you

a gigabyte in a nanosecond!

I'm new-wave, but I'm old-school;

and my inner child is outward-bound...

I'm a hot-wired, heat-seeking,

warm-hearted cool customer...

...and I'm voice-activated

and bio-degradable...

I interface with my database;

and my database is in cyberspace...

...so I'm interactive, I'm hyperactive

and from time to time I'm radioactive!

Behind the eight ball,

ahead of the curve, ridin'

the wave, dodgin' the bullet,

pushin' the envelope!

I'm on point, on task,

on message and off drugs!

I've got no need for coke and speed!

I've got no urge to binge and purge!

I'm in the moment, on the edge,

over the top, but under the radar...

A high-concept, low profile,

medium-range ballistic missionary...

A street-wise smart bomb,

a top-gun bottom-feeder...

I wear power ties, I tell power lies,

I take power naps, I run victory laps...

I'm a totally ongoing, big-foot, slam-dunk

rainmaker with a pro-active outreach...

A raging workaholic, a working rageaholic;

out of rehab and in denial!

I've got a personal trainer,

a personal shopper,

a personal assistant

and a personal agenda!

You can't shut me up!

You can't dumb me down!

'Cause I'm tireless, and I'm wireless,

I'm an alpha-male on beta-blockers.

I'm a non-believer, I'm an over-achiever;

Laid-back and fashion-forward.

Up-front, down-home,

low rent, high-maintenance!

Super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition,

fast-acting, oven-ready and built to last!

I'm a hands-on,

footloose, knee-jerk, head case;

prematurely

post-traumatic...

...and I have a love child

who sends me hate-mail!

But I'm feeling, I'm caring,

I'm healing, I'm sharing...

A supporting, bonding, nurturing

primary-care giver...

My output is down, but my income is up!

I take a short position on the long bond,

...and my revenue stream has

its own cash flow.

I read junk mail, I eat junk food,

I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports...

I'm gender-specific, capital-intensive,

user-friendly and lactose intolerant!

I like rough sex; I like tough love,

I use the f-word in my e-mail...

...and the software on my hard drive

is hard-core - No soft porn!

I bought a microwave at a mini-mall.

I bought a mini-van at a mega-store...

I eat fast-food in the

slow lane, I'm toll-free,

bite-size, ready-to-wear,

and I come in all sizes!

A fully equipped, factory-authorized,

hospital-tested,

clinically proven, scientifically

formulated medical miracle!

I've been pre-washed, pre-cooked,

pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved,

pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried,

double-wrapped, vacuum-packed, and...

I have an unlimited broadband capacity!

I'm a rude dude, but

I'm the real deal.

Lean and mean. Cocked,

locked and ready to rock!

Rough, tough, and hard to bluff.

I take it slow, I go with the flow...

I ride with the tide,

I've got glide in my stride...

Drivin' and movin', sailin' and spinnin',

jivin' and groovin, wailin' and winnin'...

I don't snooze, so I don't lose!

I keep the pedal to the metal

and the rubber on the road...

I party hearty!

And lunchtime is crunch time.

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