Funny Farm

FUNNY FARM:

[CHATTERING]

MAN 1:

Oh, no. Here comes a speech.

MAN 2:

Just when I started to enjoy myself.

[CHUCKLING]

Andy...

...all my life I've dreamed of...

...packing up and leaving the city

and the newspaper business behind.

What stopped you, Jack?

Give it a shot.

And moving to some quiet little town

in the country...

...and putting down on paper...

...the novel I know I have inside of me.

MAN 3:

That's not a novel, Jack. It's heartburn.

[LAUGHING]

But for one reason or another,

I never followed that dream.

MAN 2:

No talent.

And to be honest with myself,

I probably never will.

Thank God for that.

But you are, Andy.

You're gonna live out

that dream for me...

...and possibly for every man

seated around this table.

MAN 4:

Not me.

So, Andy, I believe...

...I speak to the feelings

in all our hearts when I say to you:

"You son of a bitch."

[LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

Seriously...

...we'll miss you, Andy.

Good sports writers are hard to find.

- Lord knows, I have never found one.

MAN 2:
Hey, hey, hey.

Well, I guess I wouldn't be much of

a newspaper man if I didn't know that...

...all of this cynicism merely masks

deeper feelings of resentment and envy.

But seriously, this is really great and...

...I'm touched.

HARRY:
Hey, Andy.

- What's the book gonna be about?

- About 300 pages, Harry.

Show them the check, Andy.

Merely an advance...

...of $10,000.

- Oh, that should cover your airfare back.

As the heir apparent

to your Giants season tickets...

...I wish you all the success in the world.

HARRY:

Don't get your hopes up, Ray.

He'll be back before the preseason ends,

if he goes at all.

No, I don't think so.

This move is for keeps.

That's what Billy Martin said.

Elizabeth and I have made a commitment.

- We're even gonna start a family.

- My God. More Andy Farmers.

HARRY:
Yeah, give it a shot.

- So even if I wanted to move back...

...Elizabeth would never let us.

- All set?

- Yes.

Give me a kiss.

We're off.

Redbud, here we come.

Hey, there's our movers.

[HORN HONKING]

Hey, fellas!

See you up there!

- Who the hell was that?

- How should I know?

Elizabeth?

Look at these. These are even better.

- Oh, by far. Mm-hm.

- Shh-shh-shh.

[FLY BUZZING]

[CREAKING]

[SAWING]

Let's get out of here.

- This is the best one yet.

- We can trade it for a "railroad crossing."

Woo-hoo!

Am I crazy or is it even prettier

than when we bought it?

No. You're right.

I am right, it is prettier.

[DUCKS QUACKING]

And, look, the ducks are still here.

ELIZABETH:

I think they must live here, Andy.

That means they're ours.

How about that, Elizabeth?

We own ducks.

We're duck owners.

I bet I could reach in there

with my bare hands and pull out a fish.

Come on, let's go inside.

[FLY BUZZING]

Wait. This is our first real house.

I'll carry you in.

[GROANS]

ELIZABETH:
I heard that.

- Nonsense. You're light as a feather.

[ELIZABETH SCREAMS]

Jeez!

Honey! Oh, God, are you all right?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, baby. It's that damn door.

ELIZABETH:

Oh!

Sweetie pie, I'm sorry.

- Are you better? Are you okay?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

Well...

...welcome to our new home.

Come on.

I wonder how long it would take

for an ambulance to reach us out here.

Let me see that map again.

Which way does it go?

Don't ask me. I'm the assistant.

Where's north? Which is south?

Maybe this.

Who the hell drew this map?

Juice is on.

Water's on. Everything's on track in here.

No phone.

No phone.

They didn't install the phone.

They were supposed to install

a sandstone-beige wall phone...

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