Friends with Kids

Hey, doll.

Death by shark or alligator?

Oh...

I don't swim in the ocean.

Alligators are in lakes or swamps

and marshes.

But sharks are only in the ocean.

You can't change the rules, Jase.

You gotta pick.

The rules presume

that both deaths could occur.

They can. You can't mitigate risk to zero.

I can mitigate risk to zero on shark death

if I never get into the ocean.

Unless you're in a plane

that goes down in the ocean

and you don't die on impact.

Okay, fine. Shark. It's faster.

Alligators drown you before they eat you.

So, there. Shark. Okay?

- You happy?

- Yes.

You wanna come up?

- Is Katherine there?

- Yeah.

- Then, no thank you.

- No, it's fine. Come up. She...

I'm going to break up with her soon anyway.

Really? Already?

- I give it like three weeks.

- Poor Katherine.

She'll be fine. She's got a great

sense of humor.

- You're such an a**hole.

- I know.

- You have a problem.

- I have many.

I blame my parents.

Why are you whispering by the way?

Oh, there's a guy in my bed.

What? Doll, that's great.

No, it's not. He's like eleven.

He's a bartender. What is wrong with me?

Nothing. It's been like years, hasn't it?

- Six months and a week.

- Exactly.

It's not natural.

Doll, you gotta sweep out the cobwebs.

Thank you for that.

From your vagina.

Got it.

- I think you should come up.

- No, it's okay.

I'm just gonna take a pill.

I'll see you tonight, yeah?

All right. Is it all of us?

Yeah, it's the six of us, and Katherine.

Unless you break up with her before then.

- Okay.

- Keep me posted.

- Night, doll.

- Night.

Thank you. Okay.

Yeah, that's fine. Just make it a breakfast.

Can you hold that, please?

- Gotta stop meeting like this.

- Hi, doll.

Hi.

Did you have to wear those shoes?

- Do you feel inadequate?

- Do you feel enormous?

F*** you.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

Well done, doll.

Did you do this through your boss?

Yep. And I only had to blow him

like three times.

And that guy, twice.

- Hello!

- Hi.

- Hi, beauty.

- You look so pretty.

You look gorgeous.

I think we both look terrific.

How are you? Good to see you.

You're all glowy.

- I love touching your face.

- I love it when you do.

Jase, where's Katherine?

Is she meeting you here?

Well...

- No!

- Seriously?

I don't know. I don't know.

- Poor Kath.

- What?

I forget, what do they say

about commitment issues?

Is it you hated your mom,

you wanted sex with your mom?

- Come on...

- I think it's hate your mom.

I thought it was that you're afraid

your mom's gonna cut your penis off.

Okay.

No!

Thank you all very, very much. Thank you.

Can I just point out that

Jule can't get to a second date.

Oh, that's not fair, that is not fair.

I'm trying, I went to the last setup

from this one, brutal...

Wait, your message got cut off.

You didn't like Russell? He's gorgeous.

- He's a criminal.

- Yeah.

- White collar. You can make that work.

- Really?

- Is that what it's come to?

- Come on.

That is not that big of a deal.

- How do you make that work?

- It is a fancy prison.

So, wait, are Ben and Missy late, or...

Oh, no. They're here.

- What...

- They went to the bathroom...

- Twenty minutes ago.

- What?

- To have...

- Yes. I believe so.

- Oh, my God... - To do...

I think that means this, is that...

Do they have sex, like, all the time?

They have sex

way more than anyone we know.

Jase has sex a lot...

I do, but not at that level.

I mean, I've never had sex on a boat

or a piano.

Not yet. Not yet you haven't.

Remember at my dad's funeral?

When they had sex in that...

- Hey!

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