Frequently Asked Questions About Time Travel

Synopsis: The script, written by Jamie Mathieson, follows three social outcasts -- two geeks and a cynic -- as they attempt to navigate a time-travel conundrum in the middle of a British pub. Faris plays a girl from the future who sets the adventure in motion.
Genre: Comedy, Sci-Fi
Director(s): Gareth Carrivick
Production: Picturehouse
Rotten Tomatoes:
83 min

Time travel.

It'll turn your brain into

spaghetti if you let it.

Best not to think about it.

Best just to get on

with the job in hand,

which is destroying the enemy

before they're even born

and have a chance to threaten us.

We're expecting

any resistance to be light,

as the ancestors of our enemies

have yet to evolve any thumbs,

or indeed spines.

But that does not change the fact

that they may one day

evolve into a species that may

pose a threat to us.

And for that reason we are going

to rain down a fiery death upon them,

that will turn the surface of their

planet into a radioactive desert

because we are the Planetary Peace Corps

and that is what we do!

Now, are you nappy-wearing motherfuckers

ready to lock and load and get it on?!

What? No-no-no-no! Shh!

Look, it's not even a real gun! Ooh!

Ooh! Look at all the lights!

- Liftoff.

- Shut up!

Due to technical difficulties,

the Star Ride is closed until further notice.

Due to technical difficulties,

the Star Ride is closed until further notice.

Two for one at Dinoburger.

Two for one at Dinoburger.

It doesn't even make any sense.

Why would we do this?

Toby, don't start.

All right, love?

Two for one at Dinoburger.

We're encouraging people to eat dinosaurs,

to eat us, you know.

- Why would we do that?

- We're not real dinosaurs.

- We should be dressed as cavemen.

- Tobe, why do you always do this?

You were the same on the Ghost Train.

That wasn't logical, either.

Werewolves and vampires are natural enemies.

There is no way they would team up

to attack a train.

Stop thinking!

- Yeah...

- And talking!

Yeah, you're right actually.

We can't think much, cos a dinosaur's

brain is only the size of a walnut.

As far as talking goes,

it's just like...

Tobe, Tobe, Toby!

Stop it! You want to be careful

you don't get lost in the role.

I heard of this one guy

over on the Star Ride.

Actually thought he was a Space Ranger.

Traumatised a load of kids.

They sacked him.

Oh, hello, Ray.

Didn't see you there.

Pete. Tobe.

- It was a crappy job, anyway.

- Yeah.

- Loser.

- Says the man dressed as a dinosaur.

So, what are you gonna do?

I don't know.

I was thinking about maybe moving back home,

- taking that job at my uncle's place.

- Why do you wanna do that?

- We can get you another job here.

- Where?

Barry Burp's Bubble Ride?

Get you a job there easy.

- High turnover cos of the chlorine in the eyes.

- Hmm! It is tempting.

But there should be more to life

than dressing up as a bubble.

Maybe it's time to get real.


In an ideal world,

what would be your perfect job?

- I don't know. Comic shop?

- Oh, come on. Think bigger.


Yeah, cool!

But I mean your absolute dream job?

I mean, if there was... no limit.

No limits?

Well, it's obvious.

It's got to be Time Lord.

Oh, come to daddy! Ooh.

What's that?

- Four minutes, 32.

- That's bollocks. You led him on.

- What's this?

- It's a bet.

He reckons you'll mention time travel

in under five minutes.

You're making bets on me?

On the day I get fired,

you're making bets on me?

He did. I didn't want to.

I do talk about other things.

What? Like sky-fi?

How many times? It's not "sci-fi", Pete,

it's "science fiction",

or "SF",

which can also stand for "speculative fiction".


And you wonder why you can't get laid.

I can!

I do.

Some girls are into science fiction.

You see, that's your problem, Ray.

Your ideal girl is you.

With tits.

In fact, your ideal girl is him.

I object to that!

Now that was a shit film.

Someone should write and complain.

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Jamie Mathieson

Jamie Mathieson is a British television screenwriter. A former stand-up comedian, he has written for a number of UK science fiction TV shows, namely Being Human, Dirk Gently, and for series 8, 9 and 10 of Doctor Who. more…

All Jamie Mathieson scripts | Jamie Mathieson Scripts

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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