Frenzy

---

When I was a lad,

a journey on the rivers of England

was a truly blithe experience.

""Bliss was it in that dawn to be alive,""

as Wordsworth has it.

Brook lime and flag iris,

plantain and marsh marigolds

rioted on the banks.

And kingfishers swooped and darted about,

their shadows racing over the brown trout.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

l'm happy to be able to tell you

that these ravishing sights

will be restored to us again

in the near future,

thanks to the diligent efforts

of your government

and your local authority,

all the water above this point

will soon be clear.

Clear of industrial effluent.

Clear of detergents.

Clear of the waste products of our society,

with which for so long we have

poisoned our rivers and canals.

Let us rejoice

that pollution will soon be banished

from the waters of this river,

and that there will soon be no -

- Look!

- What is it?

It's a woman!

What's that 'round her neck?

She's been strangled!

- Looks like a tie.

- Yes, it's a tie, alright.

Another necktie murder.

Come on. Move out of the way.

Please come away from here, Sir George.

- It's another necktie murder.

- What are the police doing about it?

- Why can't they find him?

- He's a regular Jack the Ripper.

Not on your life. He used to carve 'em up.

Sent a bird's kidney to Scotland Yard,

wrapped in writing paper.

That'll do. I'm sure the lady

doesn't want to hear more.

Or was it a bit of her liver?

I say, it's not my club tie, is it?

Cheers, Squadron Leader.

- Chin, chin.

- Good morning.

It may come as something

of a surprise to you, Blaney,

but in this pub we sell liquor,

we don't give it away.

Still less do we expect

our employees to steal it.

I was going to pay for it.

Yeah, I'm sure you were. Get out.

I told you I was going to pay for it.

I always pay for my drinks.

Even for your watered-down gin.

Don't come the innocent

with me, you bastard!

My stocks have been

well down this past month.

Watch what you're saying!

- What, you're a thief?

- What's going on?

Our friend here says that

l've been pinching his booze.

- Ridiculous! He always pays.

- How would you know?

- I work with him, don't I?

- And what else?

-What's that mean?

- Keep out of this. Blaney, outside.

- You're fired.

- He never stole nothing in his life.

He puts the money in the till.

I've seen him.

A thief or a boozer,

I don't need either one as a barman,

And he's usually pulling your tits

instead of pulling pints.

He can't keep his hands off you,

so the customers say.

What about you? Always fingering me.

Keep your lying mouth shut,

Babs, or you can get out as well.

I'm off. Keep the change!

I'll send for my things later.

Just a minute!

There's a little matter of ten pounds

I advanced you on your salary.

Are you planning to steal that as well?

There you are.

You know what to do with them.

- Don't let him talk to you like that.

- I know.

- What are you gonna do, luv?

- I don't know.

- Another pub perhaps.

- Are you alright?

- You just gave him back that tenner.

- I had to.

He didn't think I had it.

Don't worry, I've got a bit left.

This is Covent Garden,

not the garden of love.

How 'bout starting work?

Oh, get stuffed!

- Look after yourself.

- I'll call you.

Thanks, guv.

- Hello, Dick.

- Hello, Bob.

I was just coming over for a quick one.

Why aren't you back there polishing

the sausages or watering the gin,

or whatever it is you do there

before opening time?

I have just been given the push.

What for? You weren't pissing

in the beer again?

- Forsythe and I had a set-to.

- Oh, him.

- You duffed him up I hope.

- He's a bastard.

He was on my back right from the start.

From squadron leader to barman

in one easy lesson!

He's the boss' brother-in-law,

isn't he, Forsythe?

I think so.

Brother-in-laws are the worst.

Or should I say, ""brothers-in-law""?

- What are you gonna do now?

- I haven't decided yet.

Well, if you're in ""schtuk,""

you know where to come.

Thanks.

George!

- That's the last one.

- Thanks, Mr Rusk.

Why don't you go and see your ex?

She's doin' alright, isn't she?

I haven't seen her for ages, as you know.

- There's no use reopening all that.

- No, I suppose not.

Well, as I say,

you can always rely on me.

- You're alright for a few quid?

- Yes. Thanks all the same.

- Cos if you're not...

- No, no. Really. I just got paid.

Well... have some grapes.

Here you are. I'll get you a box.

Finest muscats, fresh in this morning.

Take one of these back

to your girlfriend, Babs.

Get her to peel you one.

""Beulah, peel me a grape.""

That's what my ol' mum used to say

when I was a kid.

At least you won't starve to death.

- Are you sure you don't need cash?

- No, I'm OK.

Well, you don't look OK.

Anything else the matter?

- No. What should be?

- I don't know.

Remember, anything I can do,

anytime, it's a pleasure.

Ta.

It won't be the same in the Old Globe now.

- Well, Babs is still there.

- Yeah, that's true.

- And she's prettier than you.

- A matter of opinion.

- Bye, now.

- Wait a minute. Give us your paper.

Here you are.

This will make you a fortune.

This afternoon in the 3:00, Coming Up.

Never been out before,

but very well-fancied at home.

This is a four-horse race, and the

other three have all won before.

- So she'll start about twenty to one.

- Twenty to one?

Put your wad on it. She can't lose.

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