Fifty Shades of Black

Synopsis: An inexperienced college student meets a wealthy businessman whose sexual practices put a strain on their relationship.
Genre: Comedy
Director(s): Michael Tiddes
Production: Open Road Films
  2 wins & 4 nominations.
 
IMDB:
3.5
Metacritic:
28
Rotten Tomatoes:
7%
R
Year:
2016
92 min
Website
1,493 Views


Give me that!

(SCREAMING)

- (GRUNTS)

- Move!

- Hey, sir! Sir! Come back!

- (ALARM BLARING)

(TYRES SCREECHING)

(EXCLAIMS)

HANNAH:

I've gotta get outta here.

Boo, boo, boo, hey, hey, hey.

Girl, you got that

list of questions?

Yes.

I think I have

everything that I need.

Be happy you ain't got

this chlamydia, all right?

Ooh, girl, I tried

to take a piss earlier,

it was like there was an angry

dragon inside my snatch,

you know, like some

Game of Thrones sh*t!

That's terrible, Kateesha.

I can't help it when

a tall, athletic brother

come pushing up

on this thickness.

Ooh, yeah...

Oh, sh*t!

Oh, God, girl, I thank God

every motherfucking day

that the SuperSonics

moved to Oklahoma. Sh*t.

Okay, I'm gonna go so I won't

be late for your interview.

What the f*** are

you wearing, girl?

There ain't no camouflage, no

fishnets and no fluorescent colors.

How they gonna see you in the dark, b*tch?

How they gonna see you?

I gotta go.

(CAR BACKFIRES)

Wow, so big.

(ELEVATOR DINGS)

Oh, I'm sorry.

If you're looking for the homeless

shelter, it's two doors down.

Oh, no, I'm...

I'm Hannah Steale.

I'm here to see Mr. Black.

The college b*tch.

May I take your coat?

Yes, please.

Thank you.

Ew...

Follow me.

In case you're wondering,

I'm the hot secretary

who's f***ing the boss,

which means there's no

room for the dopey intern

with the damaged

hair and the cankles.

Come here.

- (EXHALES)

- Ugh!

That's the smell of his balls

after lunch and two

games of racquetball.

(INHALES) Mmm...

Have a nice day,

Ms. Steale.

(IN A LOW VOICE)

Plain-ass b*tch.

- (DOOR THUDS)

- (SIGHS)

(GRUNTING)

(YELLING)

Ow! My neck. Ow. Ooh.

You...

(GROWLING)

Oh, sh*t!

I guess I should've

tried pulling.

Ms. Kavahellnah.

Christian Black.

Are you okay?

I think so, yeah.

Good, 'cause you got f***ed up!

(LAUGHING)

I mean, you hit that statue

like a hard-charging rhino,

and I say rhino because you're

a lot fatter than I thought,

and you got this

bump on your nose

- that resembles a small horn.

- Um...

- Maybe you wanna get that squeezed.

- Okay.

A little Proactiv on it.

I'm not Ms. Kavahellnah.

You ain't Ms. Kavahellnah?

- Who the f*** are you?

- My name is Hannah Steale.

I'm studying literature

with Kateesha at the university.

Oh.

Please, have a seat.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

No.

- No.

- So, what do you want?

Jesus Christ!

Just spit it out!

A pencil.

(MOCKING) A pencil... (NORMALLY)

You should've just said that in the beginning!

Gosh! Here, take 'em!

- Jesus!

- Thank you.

You gotta get your sh*t together,

Ms. Steale.

Sh*t.

These are Kateesha's

questions, okay?

"You have mad stacks of cash.

"How'd you get it,

and can I get some?"

(CHUCKLES) Oh...

Ms. Steale.

I got my money

the way most black

entrepreneurs got theirs.

- Real estate?

- Drug dealing.

See, you have to know your

business inside and out.

I smoked crack.

Not for long,

but just long enough to know

what a penis tastes like.

Tastes like raw rump roast.

- Mmm. (SMACKS LIPS)

- Ew!

I got all ashy, like E.T.

when he was sick in the river.

I lost six essential teeth.

Have you ever tried to eat

steak with one molar?

No. Why would I do that?

Gnaw and suck.

Gnaw and suck.

It's hard.

- Could be that you're lucky.

- No.

Keanu Reeves is lucky.

Flo Rida is lucky.

Iggy Azalea is lucky.

Yeah, he's lucky.

Next question.

"Is you gay, or is you

gay as a motherf***er?"

Just because you touch a penis

doesn't mean you're gay.

Especially if it's

for money or crack.

You're only gay if you

enjoy touching penis.

You touch a penis with attitude, like...

"I don't really like this."

That ain't gay.

It's just exploratory.

You said you're

an English major.

Was it Chaucer, Shelley or Keats

that first made you fall

in love with literature?

- It was Seuss.

- Seuss!

- Cat in the Hat, Thing 1 and Thing 2.

- ...and Thing 2!

I mean, who doesn't

wanna be them?

Well, you know, me and my

brother were Thing 1

and Thing 2 for

Halloween this year.

- Really?

- Yeah. Check this out.

(HANNAH GASPS)

Oh, my God, look at both of you!

We called 'em

Thang 1 and Thang 2.

(BOTH LAUGHS)

That's amazing.

What if I wanted to hire you?

I don't know. I see the way

the women dress around here.

I don't exactly fit in.

You know, despite the

Salvation Army sweater,

the greasy weaves,

and your big ol' Usher nose,

there's something oddly

attractive about you.

Yeah, you're like

the little ugly runt

in a litter full

of pretty puppies.

You know, the little ugly one

that nobody wants to touch.

You're, all hairless and

big-eyed and wild-looking.

But you just wanna take you

home and give you love,

or stuff you in a sack

with a bunch of rocks

and just toss

your little ugly ass

at the bottom of the ocean.

Just put you out your misery.

Oh. Okay.

Thank you, Mr. Black.

Please, call me Christian.

- Christian.

- I hope I answered all your questions.

- (ELEVATOR DINGS)

- You certainly did.

- Hannah.

- Christian.

- Ooh, sh*t!

- (ELEVATOR ALARM BLARING)

Oh, God!

Oh!

Jesus Christ!

Oh, God, make it stop!

- (ELEVATOR DOORS CLOSE)

- (SIGHS)

White girls,

get that elevator fixed.

(DOOR OPENS)

Ooh, Hannah!

So, how was he?

He was all right, I guess.

Oh, sh*t! You f***ed him,

girl! I knew that sh*t!

(SINGSONG) Yeah, girl,

get that dick, girl, get that dick.

Rate this script:4.5 / 2 votes

Marlon Wayans

Marlon Lamont Wayans (July 23, 1972) is an American actor, comedian, screenwriter, and film producer, beginning with his role as a pedestrian in I'm Gonna Git You Sucka in 1988. He frequently collaborates with his brother Shawn Wayans, as he was on The WB sitcom The Wayans Bros. and in the comedic films Scary Movie, Scary Movie 2, White Chicks, Little Man, and Dance Flick. However, Wayans had a dramatic role in Darren Aronofsky's critically acclaimed Requiem for a Dream, which saw his departure from the usual comedies. In 2009, he appeared in G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. In 2013, he had a leading role in A Haunted House and co-starred in The Heat. A Haunted House 2 was released on April 18, 2014. He also appeared in the Netflix film Naked. Marlon has partnered with former Funny or Die co-founder Randy Adams to create What the Funny, an online destination for urban comedy. Marlon created the comedy competition television show, Funniest Wins, which aired on TBS in June - August 2014. As of 2014, Marlon and his brothers have been traveling the U.S. with "The Wayans Brothers Tour". In 2016, Wayans wrote, produced and starred in Fifty Shades of Black. The film is a parody of the 2015 erotic romantic drama film Fifty Shades of Grey. In 2017, NBC gave him his own sitcom, Marlon, for a 10-episode run. In September 2017, Marlon got renewed for a second season by NBC, set to premiere in 2018. more…

All Marlon Wayans scripts | Marlon Wayans Scripts

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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