FDR: American Badass!

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1

Now, the whole country

is in a panic.

We've been summoned

to the White House

knowing that the World War

is upon us.

Well, he comes bursting

down the stairs

with his dick resting

over a hanger shouting,

"Does this look too wrinkled

to wear into Congress?"

But that was Woodrow Wilson

for you.

He just didn't give a f***.

The next day

we entered World War I,

and the b*tch of it is...

I never got my iron back.

We got movement.

What do you think Bronson,

is this our grizzly?

Can't tell.

It's moving between the trees

too quickly.

Have a look Governor Roosevelt.

Oh, my God!

What is it?

Werewolf!

Everybody run!

[GROWLS]

We're all going to die!

Don't panic, we just got to make

it back to the cabin.

Wait! Wait!

Why me?

I'm fat and weak.

Probably for exactly

that reason.

No!

Let's get some, boys. No, we

got to keep moving, Frank.

They carry polio.

[GROWLS]

[GROANS]

F*** polio.

Good shot, old boy.

Did you put silver bullets

in that thing, Frank?

No, why?

That's why. Run!

Oh, sh*t.

Sweet Jesus!

What the sh*t?

Ooh!

Why even spend the time

to do that?

Frank, we got to get

the hell out of here.

No chair lift,

we're never going to make it.

We're going to have to go

old school on this.

This isn't a time for that--

we need silver bullets.

[YELLS]

Oh, sick goblins!

Frank, I'm sorry.

Tell Eleanor I love her.

Eleanor has silver bullets.

Eleanor.

Frank, stay with me.

Stay with me, Frank.

Frank, Frank,

stay with me, Frank.

Please.

[GASPS]

Oh, thank God.

Oh, I thought

you were dead, Frank.

Ain't nobody going to take down

The Delano, Kitten Tits.

Kitten Breasts, Frank.

Hey, Frank, how you feeling?

Like a bag full of d*cks

at a lesbian convention.

Oh, language, Franklin.

[FRENCH ACCENT] Eh, Comme sucka des

d*cks at a convention de lesbian.

Oh, that's better.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Easy Lou, just me.

Put that hamster back

in its cage.

Glad to see you awake,

Governor Roosevelt.

Let me just say, on behalf

of the great State of New York,

it is our honor--

Cut the sh*t, doc.

If I wanted smoke

blown up my ass,

I would have spread my cheeks

and jammed a whistling teapot

up there.

Why can't I feel my legs?

When the werewolf attacked you

and bit your leg,

it released a small stream of--

You've got the polio, Frank.

Does my cock still work?

Yes, I had one of the nurses

run tests.

Well,

why is everybody looking

so down? Cock works.

I'll be up and at it

in no time.

Oh, in two weeks, Lou,

I want a rematch

of that 100 yard dash,

you son of a b*tch.

I'm going to get you this time!

I'm going to get you!

Frank, Frank,

you're not hearing me.

You'll never be able

to walk again.

What?

That's the thing

about werewolf attacks--

where you're bitten is where

the polio sets in.

In your case...

it's your legs.

[GASPS] Oh!

God, no.

Why?

Why did you have to give him tiny,

little, shriveled-up polio legs?

Why, why!

I love you Eleanor,

but you got to just

shut-the-f***-up

when grown men

are conversing!

Fortunately, Louis got you

to the hospital

before the polio spread

to your--

Good looking out, Lou.

On the reels,

I'll never walk again?

Can't something be did?

If I'm going to give you real

barbershop talk,

no rashes, no chalk--

with rehabilitation

you might be able to stand

with leg braces--

possibly a cane.

But you will never again walk

without guided assistance.

Well, f*** it then! Just get

a goddamn hacksaw up here

and cut my legs off and sew them

on his goddamn body!

Oh, let's do that.

Keep your pants on, Louis.

That isn't how this works.

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