Fawlty Towers script
Fawlty Towers  Season #1 Episode #2 (1975)
Synopsis: Fawlty Towers is a BBC television sitcom that was first broadcast on BBC2 in 1975 and 1979. 12 episodes were made (2 series, each of 6 episodes). The show was created and written by John Cleese and Connie Booth, who both also starred in the show; they were married at the time of series 1 but divorced before recording series 2. One of the best loved shows in British popular culture, it was ranked number one in a list of the 100 Greatest British Television Programmes drawn up by the British Film Institute in 2000.

Sorry, I forgot my key.

Oh, thanks Hello, Fawlty Towers.

Yes.

Yes.

No, this afternoon, that would be fine.

No, it's 16 Elwood Avenue.

16, that's it.

Thank you.

I'll just put these outside, shall I, dear? Polly, this is where we'll be if you need us.

There's the number.

If Mr.

Stubbs wants to know anything, just ring, but don't if you don't have to.

It's the first weekend we've had off since Audrey had her hysterectomy.

Don't worry, I know what they've got to do.

Somebody called about a garden gnome.

They're going to deliver it this afternoon.

Oh, good.

Golf shoes.

Good morning, Major.

Very well, thank you.

Does everyone know about dinner tonight? I think so.

But you'll be able to manage breakfast tomorrow? There's just the ladies and the Major.

Where are those shoes? "One moment, please.

I will het your vill.

" Manuel, "Get your bill.

" I will het your bill.

Get.

Get.

Ga ga.

Get.

Get.

Ga ga.

- That's it.

- I will get your vill.

Polly oh, Manuel, put those in the cases.

Ah, Manuel "One moment, please.

I will get your bill.

" What? "I will get your bill," Sí? What are you talking about? Listen.

No, please.

"Today we have veef, beal or sothages.

" - What? - Bangers.

- Shut up.

- Eh? - Shut up.

- Oh, Sí, sí, shut up.

- Yes, I understand.

- Well, will you please shut up? - Sí, sí, I shut up.

- Now, while we're away - Shut up.

- Shut up! While we're away gone Clean the windows.

Oh, look Cuando nosotoros somos away What's "away" in Spanish? You know, "away.

" "away!" - Oh, sí, sí.

- No, not you.

While we're away, clean the windows.

- Green? - No, no.

Look Clean the windows.

- Clean the windows.

- Clean.

- Good morning, Fawlty.

- Good morning, Major.

See? Clean the windows.

Comprendo.

Comprendo.

Oh, Mr.

Fawlty.

Good morning, Ladies.

Ursula and I think you're a very naughty boy.

- Don't we, Ursula? - Oh, God.

Oh, really? Going away for the weekend, leaving us all alone.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

But we know where you're going.

The cat's out of the bag.

- You and your wife.

- It's only Paignton.

Have a lovely time.

It'll do you good.

You need to get away from things.

Well, we're going together.

Don't you worry about us.

Oh, all right.

You know men are coming to do some work here? - Yes.

- You'll have to go to Gleneagles for your din-dins tonight.

And Polly will be in charge, if you need anything.

Have a lovely weekend.

Don't do anything we wouldn't do.

Just a little breathing, surely.

I must buzz off now.

- "Buzz"? - Yes, you know, - like babbity-bumble.

- Oh, buzz-buzz-buzz Polly, I have asked you, please, not to leave your strange drawings lying around.

What is this supposed to be? It's just a sketch.

What are you trying to do? This is a junkyard, isn't it? - Can I have it? - Why's it got a collar and tie under it? - It's not finished.

- It's very good old soup tins, broken down car, dustbins, mattresses, hoovers, and a nice smart collar and tie underneath.

I mean, what's it supposed to be? It's not important.

Can I have it back? It's irritating.

Do you ever sell any of those? I sell a few portraits now and again, thank you.

I haven't much hope for this one.

Would you give me that stapler? What is the point of something like that? - No point.

- No point? What's the point in being alive? Beats me.

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John Cleese

John Marwood Cleese (born 27 October 1939) is an English actor, voice actor, screenwriter, producer, and comedian. He achieved success at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe and as a scriptwriter and performer on The Frost Report. In the late 1960s, he co-founded Monty Python, the comedy troupe responsible for the sketch show Monty Python's Flying Circus and the four Monty Python films: And Now for Something Completely Different, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Life of Brian and The Meaning of Life. more…

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