Express Pipe Laying


Hand over the milk money, Weaver.

I can't do that, Derek.

I'm not sure

you'll spend it on milk.

That's me, Mitch Weaver.

That's Sam, my lifelong best friend.

I never had a dad growing up,

so Sam's dad Pops filled in a little.

He was a boxer, real tough guy.

One thing to remember in life,

no matter where you go or what you do...

don't take no crap from nobody.

I never liked the guy,

but he was right about not taking crap.

Wow! My dad sure is great.

Hey, do you know where

he hides his guns?

Don't worry.

We planted the guns in the bully's desk

so he'd get in trouble.

It wasn't me!

Let me go!

They weren't mine!

We always did stuff like that,

get back at people who messed with us.

There was this crossing guard

used to grab all the kids' asses.

Back then people weren't on

the lookout for that kind of thing.

The only way to nail a guy like that

was to catch him red-handed.

That's where Super Glue came in.

Look, everybody! Crossing guard's

grabbing 8-year-old's ass over here!

We really got back at

this ornery baby-sitter we didn't like.

After all these years,

this picture still makes me horny.

I mean, wistful!

It makes me wistful.

When I was 16,

the saddest event of my life occurred.

My mom died.

Everyone did their best to console me,

particularly Aunt Jenny.

It wasn't easy, because

I'm not comfortable expressing my...

What do you call them? Emotions?

Anyways, I learned to express myself

in other ways.

I started making little notes to myself.

Note to self.

Remember, Aunt Jenny is your aunt.

Then there was this character

we had to deal with.

She thought just because she was

a meter maid...

that she had the right to go around

giving everybody parking tickets.

That's where the popcorn

came in handy.

In high school, I still didn't take crap

from anyone, man or beast.

This Doberman would always chase us.

So we borrowed my cousin's

huge German shepherd...

who also happens to be gay.

Taught that Doberman some humility.

Boy, those were the days.

But then, something happened.

I grew up.

Okay, 132 Highfield Avenue

in three minutes.

I can make it.

I can make it.


Hi, there.

Thirty minutes or free, right?

And you took 32 minutes.

So close and yet so far.

Gimme a break. That free pizza

comes out of my paycheck.

That doesn't seem fair, does it?

Then the guy says,

"If you want the money for this pizza...

you tell Aldo and the rest

of those sweaty Italian fruits...

to come down

and get it from me themselves."

Also, he started saying nasty things

about that Mussolini character.

The guy called.

I know you didn't make it on time.

None of the other pizza places have

the 30-minute thing anymore.

Can't we drop it?

You think we should drop

the 30-minute guarantee?

You think Aldo's should be

just like all the others?

Mitch Weaver, you're not fit

to wear this shirt.

That's my Canadians jersey.

You have anything in a 10-1/2 wide?

Toni-Ann, what are you doing?

I've had it. Uncle Aldo called.

He told me he fired you.

That's your 14th job in the past

three months! I can't take it anymore!

Honey, I understand you're upset.

Maybe you'll feel better

after we have some dirty sex.

Forget it! I'm through

wasting my life with you.


- What about the rest of my stuff?

- Your stuff?

There is no "your stuff."

I have paid for everything

in this apartment.

Wait a minute. That's not true.

I paid for the popcorn machine.

What's up, fruity?

Hey, ass-bite.

By the looks of this popcorn machine, I

guess she tossed you out for good?


Passed your car back there.

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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    "Express Pipe Laying" STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 2 Aug. 2021. <>.

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