Express Pipe Laying


Hand over the milk money, Weaver.

I can't do that, Derek.

I'm not sure

you'll spend it on milk.

That's me, Mitch Weaver.

That's Sam, my lifelong best friend.

I never had a dad growing up,

so Sam's dad Pops filled in a little.

He was a boxer, real tough guy.

One thing to remember in life,

no matter where you go or what you do...

don't take no crap from nobody.

I never liked the guy,

but he was right about not taking crap.

Wow! My dad sure is great.

Hey, do you know where

he hides his guns?

Don't worry.

We planted the guns in the bully's desk

so he'd get in trouble.

It wasn't me!

Let me go!

They weren't mine!

We always did stuff like that,

get back at people who messed with us.

There was this crossing guard

used to grab all the kids' asses.

Back then people weren't on

the lookout for that kind of thing.

The only way to nail a guy like that

was to catch him red-handed.

That's where Super Glue came in.

Look, everybody! Crossing guard's

grabbing 8-year-old's ass over here!

We really got back at

this ornery baby-sitter we didn't like.

After all these years,

this picture still makes me horny.

I mean, wistful!

It makes me wistful.

When I was 16,

the saddest event of my life occurred.

My mom died.

Everyone did their best to console me,

particularly Aunt Jenny.

It wasn't easy, because

I'm not comfortable expressing my...

What do you call them? Emotions?

Anyways, I learned to express myself

in other ways.

I started making little notes to myself.

Note to self.

Remember, Aunt Jenny is your aunt.

Then there was this character

we had to deal with.

She thought just because she was

a meter maid...

that she had the right to go around

giving everybody parking tickets.

That's where the popcorn

came in handy.

In high school, I still didn't take crap

from anyone, man or beast.

This Doberman would always chase us.

So we borrowed my cousin's

huge German shepherd...

who also happens to be gay.

Taught that Doberman some humility.

Boy, those were the days.

But then, something happened.

I grew up.

Okay, 132 Highfield Avenue

in three minutes.

I can make it.

I can make it.


Hi, there.

Thirty minutes or free, right?

And you took 32 minutes.

So close and yet so far.

Gimme a break. That free pizza

comes out of my paycheck.

That doesn't seem fair, does it?

Then the guy says,

"If you want the money for this pizza...

you tell Aldo and the rest

of those sweaty Italian fruits...

to come down

and get it from me themselves."

Also, he started saying nasty things

about that Mussolini character.

The guy called.

I know you didn't make it on time.

None of the other pizza places have

the 30-minute thing anymore.

Can't we drop it?

You think we should drop

the 30-minute guarantee?

You think Aldo's should be

just like all the others?

Mitch Weaver, you're not fit

to wear this shirt.

That's my Canadians jersey.

You have anything in a 10-1/2 wide?

Toni-Ann, what are you doing?

I've had it. Uncle Aldo called.

He told me he fired you.

That's your 14th job in the past

three months! I can't take it anymore!

Honey, I understand you're upset.

Maybe you'll feel better

after we have some dirty sex.

Forget it! I'm through

wasting my life with you.


- What about the rest of my stuff?

- Your stuff?

There is no "your stuff."

I have paid for everything

in this apartment.

Wait a minute. That's not true.

I paid for the popcorn machine.

What's up, fruity?

Hey, ass-bite.

By the looks of this popcorn machine, I

guess she tossed you out for good?


Passed your car back there.

- It's a nasty flat, but I can fix it.

- Thanks, Sam.

I was wondering. Could I crash

with you and your dad for a while?

No. I'm gonna turn away my best friend

so he's gotta sleep in his car. Come on.

Hey, that's my shirt.

You're wearing my shirt.

Here you go.

No, that's all right.

I was talking to somebody else

that's different than you.

Two, three, up.

Press those knees straight.

And again. Take it down.

Two, three...

and lift it up.

- Pops, how you doin'?

- Pretty good, son.

But it'd be goin' a lot better

if you brought me a whore.

I thought you couldn't...

I can't but...

I subscribe to this magazine

to give me a few ideas.

There's an article about home

stereo equipment, too. That's for you.

That's great.

- I'll be right back, all right?

- Yeah.

Do me a favor.

Could you stay with him for a while?

What's the matter?

You know how I feel about your father.

I'm uncomfortable around him.

He's kind of... I don't know.

Creepy, you know?

He creeps the hell out of me,

to tell you the truth.

He likes you.

I gotta call somebody

to borrow a jack.

Stay with him for a while.

All right.

Feelin' okay, Mr. McKenna?

Don't worry about me.

I just want to thank you

for spending a little time with me.

- Well, no problem.

- Yeah, yeah.

- I also want to say I'm sorry.

- Sorry for what?

For being a creepy old man.

I apologize, you rotten bastard!

- You say those things about me?

- Pops! Pops! Let go!

Get out of here, Sam!

I'll kill this bastard!

I can still hear,

no matter how creepy I look.

- It's Mitch! Let go.

- All right, take him.

Everything's falling apart.

Remember how things were

when we were young?

Yeah, it was great.

Yeah, it was.

I felt good about myself back then.

If somebody messed with me, no problem.

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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