Eddie Izzard: Stripped Page #2

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we Iook up spoons.

And you'd probabIy get bored

within three Iines, if you notice.

It goes, ''Spoons were made from...''

Within three Iines, you're going,

''HeIicopters, heIicopters...

''They took over the worId...

Chickens... Chickens drive heIicopters.

''AIIigators...'' You know.

And you can just keep going

untiI you get to one

and you cIick on it and it says,

''There is no page for this person.''

And you think,

''Why did you put them in bIue?''

Don't put them in bIue and have no page.

Just don't put them in bIue.

We have been trained,

Iike PavIov and his dogs.

PavIov wouId train his dogs.

Yes, stiII appIause for Mr PavIov.

What a scientist.

# What a scientist. What a guy

# Make a pavlova with only paws #

''That's a bit of crap.''

''We've got no thumbs.''

Cake miX when I was a kid

was a briIIiant thing.

You'd make a cake for your mum and...

The cake, with a big, wooden spoon.

And then you put that thing aII in the bowI

and they said you couId Iick the spoon.

And you went,

''Oh, my God. This was fantastic.

''Wow, what are we doing with that?

''This is just... This is good. This is ready.''

And then they'd take that, they'd put it

in an oven and it wouId come out Iess good.

It was... Wasn't it?

It's not just me. It was genius before

it went in and it came out, you know,

(EXCLAIMING DESPONDENTLY)

fine, but you have to put more stuff on it

to make it back to this stuff.

Just don't put it in.

And then when I was a student,

I was sitting there...

WeII, it was before... It was after I was a

student. I was unempIoyed for an entire year

and I Iived in IsIington and I watched teIIy.

For a year, IiteraIIy. ReaIIy. SeriousIy.

And I got encycIopaedic on

the AustraIian daytime soap operas.

And I was watching The Sullivans,

which wouId come on about a famiIy

where, ''We're going to go to war soon.''

And that's aII I remember.

And they got on weII, Iots of fighting.

And I made...

I thought, ''I'II make some of this.''

'Cause it just seemed reaIIy cheap. So...

I was estimating margarine, sugar.

And then I just made the whoIe bowI

and sat there watching The Sullivans, eating.

And I died. I actuaIIy...

They had to pump me, you know.

Cake was coming out of my ears.

It makes a cake. Once it's in there,

the juices make a cake.

And you're going, ''Can you... Can you get

it... There's cake coming out of my ears.''

So, that's how I remember it.

I phoned the poIice using the oId phone,

(MIMICKING DIALLING)

which used to take for hours.

Why do they put 999 right at the end of

the diaI? Our emergency services, 999.

''He's dying.'' ''I'm phoning.''

(MIMICKING DIALLING)

''His Ieg has come off.'' ''I'm doing it.

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