Duck Soup Page #5

(Does Highland fling)

The country's taxes must be fixed -

And I know what to do with it,

If you think you're paying too much now,

Just wait 'till I get through with it.

(Takes flute from inside pocket

and plays strain of Dixie)

Dignitary

(Singing)

In our midst you stand

The ruler of this land

A man who'll govern with an iron hand.

Groucho

(Singing)

If anyone gets fresh with me,

I'll show him who's the boss;

I'll stand upon my dignity,

And toss him for a loss.

And this will be the penalty

For those who doublecross -

We'll stand 'em up against the wall,

and Pop goes the Weasel,

Ensemble

(Singing)

If you should make him cross,

He'll toss you for a loss.

If anyone gets fresh with him,

He'll show him who's the boss.

(Groucho does minuet with girls

as above is sung)

Groucho

(Singing)

I will not stand for anything

That's crooked or unfair;

I'm strictly on the up and up,

So everyone beware.

If anyone's caught taking graft

And I don't get my share,

We'll stand 'em up against the wall -

And Pop goes the Weasel!

Ensemble

(Singing)

So everyone beware

Who's crooked or unfair;

No one must take a bit of graft

Unless he gets his share.

(Groucho dances as above is sung)

Groucho

(Singing)

If any man should come between

A husband and his bride,

We find out which one she prefers

By letting her decide.

If she prefers the other man,

The husband steps outside;

We stand him up against the wall

And Pop goes the Weasel!

Ensemble

(Singing)

The husband steps outside;

Relinquishes his bride;

We stand him up against the wall

And take him for a ride.

(Groucho dances as above is sung)

Groucho

The population must increase

With great rapidity.

We give a couple seven years

To raise a family.

If, by that time, there is no branch

Upon the family tree,

We stand 'em up against the wall -

And Pop goes the Weasel.

(Groucho does a dance with Mrs. Teasdale who joins

him reluctantly and registers embarrassment as dance con-

tinues. He might finish dance in her arms, looking ten-

derly at her as she beams down at him.)

Mrs. Teasdale

(As she beams on him)

You've made a wonderful impression. Your views are liberal

... It is easy to see you have an open mind.

Groucho

That's what I get for dressing in a hurry.

Mrs. Teasdale

Your Excellency, you mustn't forget your appointment at the

House of Representatives ... Have you got your speech ready?

Groucho

I wrote a speech last night that'll knock them off their

seats ...

(He takes a paper from inside pocket as

he says above.... then reads from paper)

Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on

this continent a new nation --

Mrs. Teasdale

Why, that's the speech that Lincoln made at Gettysburg ...

Groucho

(With a look of great surprise)

He did? ... I told my son not to leave it laying around ...

Where is son?

(Bob enters)

Bob

Here I am, Father ...

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