Doug Stanhope: Deadbeat Hero

Synopsis: Doug Stanhope performs at Seattle's Comedy Underground
Director(s): Shawn Amos
95 min


Doug Stanhope. "Deadbeat hero", 2004.


1a.The condition of being free from restriction or control

b.The right and power to act, believe,

or express oneself in a manner of one's own choosing

The condition of being physically and legally

free from confinement, servitude, or forced labor.


Do you work hard all week?

Don't do that.

Don't drink on weekends, you don't.

People come up Friday, Saturday... Don't drink.

If you gotta feel like sh*t tomorrow,

drink Sunday trough Thursday.

If you gonna you'll feel like sh*t,

do it on the company done.

What do you gonna on Monday morning,

when you need to be wide awake and alert for?

"Well, I deliver Pepsi products".

Well do it with a hangover.

F*** them, drink on the job.

F***ing waste your nice weekend?

You'd be doing some good for youself.

I'm only drinking tonight just to keep up

my Cal Ripken like perfect attendance straight. [??]

It's just token, you know?

Whatever, don't do sh*t you hate, people.

Work jobs they hate.

There's another way.

Whatever it is you do...

F***in' quit.

Go on Monday and steal a bunch of sh*t, and quit.

If you don't absolutely love it,

if you wouldn't do it for free...

And steal big sh*t too.

Don't grab some stationary and paperclips,

just to make a statement.

Grab some big cash registers

and computer monitors, and get out f*** out.

People talk to you, they try to convince you

that they like what they do,

just cause it sucks less than what

they've used to do that sucked along.

They'll try to convince like it's gonna

make them really enjoy it.

"I love my job". They regurgitate you that

guidance counsellor taught them in high school

that guided them into the shitty job they begin with.

And they regurgitate it all that red[??].

They say "I like my job at Banana Republic."

"Because I get to work with people..."

Work with people?

You stack pants, for f***'s sake!

People you meet say "I'm just looking"

and they try to get away from you.

Work with people...

Go to whore or something.

I had two women walk out of a show in Minneapolis.

Which is nothing out of the ordinary.

People will leave this.

I go on stage it's like I'm leading you into battle:

You not all are gonna be here at the end.

Just try not to take it too seriously.

Eventually I'm gonna hate the subject

and you're gonna be queer about.

Don't. Just wait for the next joke.

Go take a piss, whatever you have to do.

Don't get all upset.

I am probably wrong about half the sh*t I say.

You could find me to be an hypocrite about...

I will call you stupid for not knowing

sh*t that I just found out yesterday.

"You f***ing people don't pick-up? You don't read, you f***ing losers?

I read that yesterday, I'm smart."

I had two women walk out of the show in Minneapolis.

And again, it wasn't because...

It wasn't something I said.

Some people just show up places to complain.

That's their form of entertainment.

Is complaining.

They just can't wait to b*tch.

And these women walked out and they caused a rock[??]

with the manager in the lobby because I'm drunk.

That's their reason. They're just:

"He's just drunk up there! We didn't pay to see this!"

"Look at him, he's obviously drunk.

He's just drunk, he's that."

I'm not driving a bus motherf***er, what do you care?

I'm a comic.

I'm saying stuff, words are coming out of my mouth.

It's not like I'm curled up, fiddled[??],

I sh*t my pants, I...

It's not like I'm a spectacle.

I'm a comic.

What do you give a f***?

It's like the steroids in baseball.

What do you give a sh*t?

You just pay to watch balls fly

over your head, like a retard.

You care what makes it go out.

It's like going to a titty bar and

complaining cause your lap dancer is a communist.

So what?

The tits are out.

What did you pay to see?

What is your problem?

Who are you people?

Alcohol doesn't get credit where credit is do.

And it's not the best drug.

It's not even in the top five.

But it's the easyest one to get.

And we are a fat lazy country of convenients.

And alcohol is a very convenient drug.

If this was an ecstasy bar

I would come in and order a large...

I'd be drinking an Evian right now, right?

But it ain't that easy to get.

And at the same time, if drinking require that

I had to sit in a f***ing Dennis park in 2.00

in the middle of the night,

waiting for my friend Alan to answer his voicemail,

and finally show up just to drop off a six-pack...

I'll never drink again!

A lazy f***, that's what I am.

But has got benefits that doesn't get the credit.

You can you find every statistic and number

and pie chart, for where alcohol has ruined the party.

But the benefits...

For a while airline flight attendants were trying

a lobby to get alcohol taking off from airplanes.

Cause they say, "91% of all cases of all

air rage incidents are alcohol related."

Okay. Fine.

How much air rage is averted because of alcohol?

How many times was someone just about to choke out

that sky c*nt that should have been replaced

by a Coke machine years ago?

That are worse now. Since of 9/11 they are

full of that hero syndrome in their head.

They think that they'e the last line to defense

to the cockpit. A waste of space and polyester.

Maybe someone gets on the plane, and

it's just being fingerfucked way too many times

trying to get from point A to point B,

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Doug Stanhope

Douglas Stanhope (born March 25, 1967) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, author, and podcast host. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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