Diary of a Country Priest Page #4

But it wasn't a question of duty.

At that moment, I needed prayer

like I needed air in my lungs

or oxygen in my blood.

Behind me, there was no longer

familiar day-to-day life

which one can leave behind

in one fell swoop.

Behind me there was nothing,

and before me was a wall.

A black wall.

Suddenly something seemed

to shatter in my breast,

and I was seized by a trembling

that lasted over an hour.

What if it had only been an illusion?

Even the saints knew

their hour of failure and loss.

I lay face-down at the foot of my bed.

I only wanted to show

complete acceptance

and surrender.

The same solitude, same silence,

but this time, no hope in breaking

through the obstacle.

There's no obstacle. Nothing.

God has left me.

Of this I'm sure.

I haven't slackened in my duties.

The incredible improvement

in my health makes my work easier.

Dr. Delbende?

Are you sure?

Dr. Delbende was found at the edge

of the woods near Bazancourt,

with his skull blown out,

already cold.

He rolled to the bottom

of a tree-lined ditch.

It's thought his gun

got caught in the branches

and went off.

The priest from Torcy kept vigil

for two nights by his friend's corpse.

He was visibly anguished.

It was rumored that

Dr. Delbende had committed suicide.

You don't think Dr. Delbende

might have -

He was very disheartened.

He believed up to the very end

that his patients would return.

His younger colleagues spread the word

that he knew nothing of antiseptics,

and his patients fled.

The paying ones, of course.

Not the others.

But the truth is

he'd lost his faith

and couldn't get over not believing.

I was in no condition to listen

to his confidences just then.

They were like molten lead

poured on an open wound.

I have never suffered so much

and likely never will again,

even when I die.

If he really killed himself...

do you think-

If anyone else

were to ask me that!

God is the only judge.

Dr. Delbende was a just man,

and God is judge of the just.

We're at war, after all.

One must face the enemy.

''Face up to it,'' as he used to say.

You remember his motto?

No, I haven't lost faith.

This abrupt and cruel ordeal

may have upset my reason, my nerves.

But my faith remains.

I can feel it.

I stood up with the feeling,

the certainty, that I had heard

someone calling me.

Yet I knew I wouldn't find anyone.

You'll keep your word?

Young lady, I will do what I promise.

I was overwhelmed.

I know nothing of people

and never will.

I ran to Torcy.

Father is away.

He won't be back

for eight or ten days at least.

I was so disappointed

I had to lean against the wall.

You know I can't receive you here.

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