Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo

Synopsis: Deuce Bigalow is a less than attractive, down on his luck aquarium cleaner. One day he runs into a male gigolo who asks him to look after his precious fish while he is away on business. However, he wrecks the house and needs quick money to repair it. The only way he can make it is to become a gigolo himself, taking on an unusual mix of female clients. He encounters a couple of problems, though. He falls in love with one of his unusual clients, and a sleazy police officer his hot on his trail.
Genre: Comedy, Romance
Director(s): Mike Mitchell
Production: Happy Madison Productions
  2 nominations.
 
IMDB:
5.7
Metacritic:
30
Rotten Tomatoes:
23%
R
Year:
1999
88 min
Website
2,075 Views


% Of all the wonderful things

in life you can find %

% They all can be yours

with the right frame of mind %

% Just look, and you'll find %

% There are no secrets to hide %

% Leave your problems behind

Leave your problems behind %

% No worry, friends

No worry %

-[People Murmuring]

-[Man] Yuck!

Eww!

Swim trunks are loaded with

detergents and other hazardous

chemicals harmful to fish.

Ow! Aah!

Oh!

Hi, Allison.

- Just quit my job at the aquarium.

- Heard you got fired.

Yeah. The aquarium's totally changed.

Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.

I got a lot

of great offers.

Things are really

starting to happen for me.

- I was thinking maybe later

if you weren't doing any--

- No.

- I mean if--

Uh, when you're not working.

- I don't think so.

Okay, I guess I'll just take

some sea snails and be on my way.

No, no, a little lower.

The ones on the bottom.

Uh,

have a good nipple.

[Tires Screeching]

[Laughing]

% Color me

your color, baby %

% Color me your car %

% Color me

your color, darling %

-% I know who you are %

- [Both Laughing]

% [Continues, Indistinct]

- Ah, you have beautiful

skin, baby, huh?

- [Laughing]

Get some olive oil,

rub it all over you.

We'll have

a good time, huh?

[Woman] Oh, yeah.

-[Door Slams]

-[Man] Let's get him out of there.

[Man, Woman Moaning

Passionately, Faint]

[Woman] Ohh! Oh, Antoine!

Yeah!

[Continues Moaning]

[Moaning Pace Quickens]

-[Antoine] Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

-[Woman Shrieking]

[Moaning Ceases]

Try to keep your

goldfish in this bowl.

If you like, I could

stick around for a while.

Every kid needs a father.

What the hell?

- [Roars]

- [Gasps]

What the hell

are you doing?

There's a mongrel koi in there.

It's the most dangerous of all goldfish.

- Do you have any ice?

- Hey.

Shoes off, huh?

Respect the 18th century

Persian carpet.

Whoa!

What are those?

Medieval weapons.

I'm a collector.

They're worth twice as much

if they've killed somebody.

I collect

Canadian quarters.

I got about six of'em.

Would you like

anything to drink?

I wouldn't mind

a glass of--

Whoa.

What is that?

Is that a custom Living Color

anti-glare, retractable-top tank?

- I'm not sure.

- It is!

They assemble each one

of these by hand.

Whoa! Chinese tailbar lionfish.

He's a beauty!

That's an $800 fish!

- Try a grand.

- Then you overpaid.

Hey, fishy, fishy,

fishy, fishy.

Hey, fishy, fishy, fishy.

Hey. An Australian

rainbow fish.

You're not gonna

want to put him in there--

- Oh, God!

- Women love it.

They find it erotic

when they eat each other.

Excuse me

for a second, huh?

Must make pee-pee.

[Urinating]

[Phone Rings]

-[Answering Machine Beeps]

-[Woman] Antoine, hi. It's Regina.

I'm flying in from Luxembourg tomorrow.

I want you to be my driver.

Swiss Air, flight 12.

Is it still 3,500?

- See you. Ciao.

-[Answering Machine Beeps]

I finally figured out how you

pick up all these gorgeous women.

- How's that?

- You're a limo driver.

Sometimes I am.

- So you just drive them back

here and have sex with them?

- If they pay me enough, yes.

What kind of limo service

is that?

Shouldn't you be taking them

to fancy restaurants or the theater?

- I'm a gigolo.

- A gigo-who?

Women pay me

to give them pleasure.

- How did you get that job?

- I just kind of fell into it.

I'm gonna kill

my guidance counselor.

% [Latin Dance]

- Hey! Hey! Hey! [Chattering]

- [Dog Barking]

Down!

Bad dog!

Hey, guys.

Did you miss me?

Well, there's been a slight delay

in our move-to-the-beach plan.

But don't worry.

It's gonna happen.

[Antoine] Hey, fish guy!

I think there's something wrong

with my, uh, uh, big fish.

pH is off. The nitrates

are at a dangerous level.

- I can neutralize it.

- Oh, fishy, fishy, fishy.

They don't like that.

- I think our little friend

has Malawi bloat.

- What the hell is that?

- It's a gill disorder.

- Is it bad?

- Could be fatal.

- But is he gonna make it?

He's in shock. I gave him

some freeze-dried water fleas,

but he's gotta want to live.

- The next forty-eight

hours are critical.

- Forty-eight hours?

But I got to go to Switzerland for

business. I'll be gone for three weeks.

Well, cancel it.

You got a sick fish here, pal.

Hey, hey,

what about you, huh?

Sounds good, but I can't afford

to go to Europe right now.

- My passport expired--

- No, no, I mean you can stay

here and look after my fish.

I've got

a full bar, huh?

Digital television.

You're on the beach.

I don't know.

I--

I would be honored

to care for your fish.

Just remember, don't use my car

and don't answer my phone.

No car, no phone.

So I guess throwing a big beach party's

out of the question.

This is a 14th century

Hungarian crossbow.

It has killed a king...

and changed

the history of Europe.

You mess up anything in my apartment,

I'll shove it up your ass.

Have a good trip.

% Come on, come on %

Women pay me

to give them pleasure.

[Screams]

% Come on, come on %

% And tell me

what you're sayin' %

% Come on, come on %

% Get a whiff

of what I'm wearing %

% Come on, come on %

% Come on, come on %

% And stop %

[Man] I'm on the beach.

I mean, I open up my window,

I got sand blowin' in my face.

- It's that crazy. I'd love

to show it to you sometime.

- No.

- You really owe it to yourself to see--

- No.

Hey! Try to get laid

on your own time, pal.

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Harris Goldberg

Harris Goldberg (born November 17, 1962) is a Canadian-born director, writer and producer. He co-wrote the 1999 film Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo with Rob Schneider and the 2002 film The Master of Disguise with Dana Carvey. In 2007, Goldberg wrote and directed the film Numb, inspired by his own experiences battling an anxiety disorder. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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