Delta Farce Page #3

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a samurai-type like myself.

Accept the pain.

It's cleansing.

Plus, the weekend's almost over.

One more day and we're gone.

Besides, how much worse could it get?

Rise and shine, ladies!

Where the hell is that other fat turd?

Hey, speaking of turds,

I just left one in there

for the Guinness Book.

Stand at attention, soldier!

Congratulations, gentlemen.

We just got our orders.

We're going to paradise,

the land of sand and sun.

- Daytona Beach?

- Fallujah, Iraq, numb nuts!

Sarge, excuse me.

Far be it for me to stand in the way

of the war on terror,

but we're supposed to go home tomorrow.

I mean, seriously, we only do this

one weekend a month.

- Yeah, and on Mondays, I cut the grass.

- Wrong, sunshine!

You will be the tip of the spear

Uncle Sam uses to shove

up some insurgent's ass!

Sarge, now that's downright unsanitary.

You know, I read somewhere that them

carpet-fliers don't even use toilet paper.

Can it, dipshit!

And don't worry,

you won't be in the rear with the gear.

I plan on volunteering us

for every dangerous assignment there is!

Now, I want every one of you

to look to the man on your right!

Now, look to the man on your left,

'cause your life is in his hands.

Sh*t!

Fallujah. No, it's not in Louisiana.

- It's in Iraq.

- Why are they sending you to Iraq?

- 'Cause I'm going to war!

- War?

- Well, I can't help it.

- Who's gonna mow the grass?

Well, I don't know who's

gonna mow the grass.

God damn it, Bill!

Five hundred dollars?

Damn. Does she have four tits?

Well, how about a military discount?

Hello? Hello?

- Hey, what unit you with?

- 101st Airborne.

Screaming Eagles. You?

What's up, y'all? How'd Connie take it?

Let me just put it this way.

I'll be safer in Iraq.

Ten hut!

All right, you maggots,

we got a long road ahead of us,

and it won't be easy.

But it's my job as your

sergeant to lead the way.

Gee, thanks, Sarge.

I know I'll feel safer standing

directly behind you

when the bullets start flying.

Can that sh*t!

Now, Larry,

I'm appointing you acting squad leader.

Don't get too excited.

You beat out a mongoloid and a candy-ass.

He called you a candy-ass.

Gee, thanks, Sarge.

You know, I learned a lot about leadership

when I was secretary

of the Midgeville Gun Club.

And don't you worry about it.

Both those shootings

were ruled accidental.

Keep your hands to yourself!

It's don't ask and don't tell

in this man's army.

Now, get your candy-asses on that plane.

Did you hear what I said?

I gave you an order.

You said candy-asses. I'm a mongoloid, sir!

Get your ass on that plane!

Candy-ass.

Oh, sure.

Killing a man

with your bare hands is real easy.

Aside from the assorted

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