Dedication Page #2

It's not his fault.

You think it is,

and your brain believes you.

( pigeons coo )

They only eat bread.

Nonsense.

Genoa salami,

it's the best in the world--

they would've

invented it if they could've.

That sh*t's gonna kill you.

Yeah, well,

tell me when I'm dead.

Will do.

Who's this?

Uh... red suit, fat ass,

best friends are reindeer.

Bones Mrs. Claus.

And what's happening here?

Uh... Santa's sleigh

runs over Marty's tail,

Marty jumps up, bites him

in the crotch, gives him the clap.

( laughs )

Hey, you all right?

Yeah. This headache.

( sniffs )

Let's get this book done.

No more jokes.

Yeah, sure, sure.

MAN:
This is the final appearance

for Henry Roth and Rudy Holt,

best-selling authors

of the must-have children's book,

Marty the Beaver.

Be sure and get your

Christmas copy signed today.

I can't tell you how much

she just loved your book.

Oh, great.

WOMAN:

Her name's Cassidy.

Have a nice life.

She's only been

with us for six months.

( whispering )

She's adopted.

So, how are ya, sweetheart?

I see you're a Knicks fan.

Yeah, you wanna buy her a drink,

take her somewhere quiet?

You ever been

to a basketball game?

You see, 'cause

Marty the Beaver was just here,

and he told me

to give someone called, uh--

Cassidy--

some Knicks tickets.

He must have meant you.

Hey, dick,

one of those was mine.

Don't be a piece of sh*t.

There we go.

Are these really from--

from Marty the Beaver?

Absolutely, yes.

( Henry clears throat )

If Marty the Beaver really existed,

and if he really had tickets

to the Knicks-Pacers game

on Friday night,

the only way he'd give 'em up is

if he was too high to get to the game,

or his fat, lazy beaver ass

couldn't fit in the seat.

Santa Claus doesn't exist.

Beaver can also mean vagina.

- Oh!

- Okay!

Cassidy!

Uh-- uh-- enjoy the game.

Come here.

What the f*** is wrong with you?

You just-- you just

can't let your crap childhood

be a pass to sh*t on everyone else.

Well, every other kid is gonna be crushed

when they find out there's no Santa Claus.

She's now way ahead of the game,

and as a bonus she now

has another word for her pee-pee.

( giant monster roars on television)

( telephone rings )

Hello?

It... looks great, man.

Well, it keeps me occupied.

Hey, you know, I've been

talking to Planck about it...

the book's on, uh, pre-order

for about 1 00,000 copies.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah, it is. It's great.

RUDY:
l, uh...

I, uh... I can't see

outta my left eye.

Well, it's the treatment.

Huh. I keep thinkin'

about things, you know?.

How... I was thinking...

if I close my good eye...

I see this-- this bright light.

And, uh, l-- I know

how it sounds, but it...

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