Debra Digiovanni: Single, Awkward, Female

DiGiovanni.

(applause, cheering, whistling)

DEBRA:
Hi, everybody.

Well, good evening, everyone.

Oh. Hi, everybody.

Oh, you look fantastic,

everyone.

Of course I'm already drunk, but

still, you look good, everybody.

So, it's lovely to be here.

Thank you for giving me plans.

Seriously, this is exciting to

be out in the evening.

Oh, you gave me a reason to get

out of my pajamas.

Good work, everybody.

Thank you.

Actually, these are my pajamas.

Who am I kidding?

I'll sleep in this.

I really will.

Um, it's but it's nice.

I just flew in a couple days

ago.

I'm a good flyer.

Doesn't bother me.

I'm not scared to fly, nothing.

But this happens every once in a

while.

You know, when you're on a

flight?

They shut the door, no one else

is getting on, and you realize

there's an empty seat in your

row.

(shuddering gasp)

That's the best moment in the

world.

Are you kidding me?

Empty seat... that's like first

class for white trash.

Do you know what I'm saying,

gang?

Oh, my God, empty seat.

So exciting, all right?

This is what happened to me on

the way down.

I'm sitting at the window.

There was a gentleman beside me,

and here's the thing.

The empty seat is the aisle

seat, okay?

So I give him the celebration

elbow.

I give him one these.

I'm, like, "Right on, yeah."

I'm excited.

I expect him to celebrate with

me, but he looks at me in the

face, and he's, like, "Actually,

I prefer the middle seat."

And I was, like, "What? What did

you just say? I'm sorry..."

Did you just tell me you're an

asshole?

Is that what you said?

Because your accent is very

strong.

What?! Are you kid...?

You prefer the middle seat?

Let me tell you, I ruined his

flight; I ruined his flight.

Are you kidding?

He was trying to sleep.

I kept touching his face.

Do you know what I mean?

I'm all...

(laughter)

He woke up with a different part

in his hair.

That'll teach him.

That'll teach him!

It's your job, everyone, to

teach people manners.

Um, also, I have to fly quite a

bit, and this happens.

This happens.

Have you ever had to be on one

of those little, tiny, small

planes?

One of those little passenger

planes when there's only, like,

seven people on the plane?

I had to take one a little while

ago, and the airline that I was

flying on was called Bearskin

Airlines, which, at first, I was

like, "Oh, sexy."

Uh, but it's not.

It's not sexy.

I thought it was gonna be big,

shirtless, hairy guys bringing

me drinks.

No. Just terrifying. That's it.

And there's something you need

to remember in your travels,

everybody.

If you ever get onto the stairs

of your aircraft, and the whole

fuckin' plane moves... no, not a

good idea.

Yeah. I'm serious.

I got on the stairs, and the

plane... it tipped on me.

I'm, like... (humming)

(screaming)

The whole plane.

Seriously. I had to get someone

to put their foot down so I

could get on it.

"Hold it.

Hold the plane."

And then I got on.

Scary stuff, everyone.

And the worst part about this,

all right, is that six people on

the plane, but there's another

woman about my size about to

board the plane, all right?

I panicked. I panicked.

You've had that moment, waiting

for an elevator, haven't you?

Yeah, two women my size show up

for the same elevator, and you

start to do math in your head.

I know you do it.

I know you do it.

I know you do it!

You're, like, "2,500. Oh, my!"

(laughter)

"Carry the two! Carry the two!"

It's scary.

It's a scary moment.

And that happens to me.

That's like an elevator

shootout.

Do you know what I mean?

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