
Debra Digiovanni: Single, Awkward, Female
DiGiovanni.
(applause, cheering, whistling)
DEBRA:
Hi, everybody.Well, good evening, everyone.
Oh. Hi, everybody.
Oh, you look fantastic,
everyone.
Of course I'm already drunk, but
still, you look good, everybody.
So, it's lovely to be here.
Thank you for giving me plans.
Seriously, this is exciting to
be out in the evening.
Oh, you gave me a reason to get
out of my pajamas.
Good work, everybody.
Thank you.
Actually, these are my pajamas.
Who am I kidding?
I'll sleep in this.
I really will.
Um, it's but it's nice.
I just flew in a couple days
ago.
I'm a good flyer.
Doesn't bother me.
I'm not scared to fly, nothing.
But this happens every once in a
while.
You know, when you're on a
flight?
They shut the door, no one else
is getting on, and you realize
there's an empty seat in your
row.
(shuddering gasp)
That's the best moment in the
world.
Are you kidding me?
Empty seat... that's like first
class for white trash.
Do you know what I'm saying,
gang?
Oh, my God, empty seat.
So exciting, all right?
This is what happened to me on
the way down.
I'm sitting at the window.
There was a gentleman beside me,
and here's the thing.
The empty seat is the aisle
seat, okay?
So I give him the celebration
elbow.
I give him one these.
I'm, like, "Right on, yeah."
I'm excited.
I expect him to celebrate with
me, but he looks at me in the
face, and he's, like, "Actually,
And I was, like, "What? What did
you just say? I'm sorry..."
Did you just tell me you're an
asshole?
Is that what you said?
Because your accent is very
strong.
What?! Are you kid...?
Let me tell you, I ruined his
flight; I ruined his flight.
Are you kidding?
He was trying to sleep.
I kept touching his face.
Do you know what I mean?
I'm all...
(laughter)
He woke up with a different part
in his hair.
That'll teach him.
That'll teach him!
It's your job, everyone, to
teach people manners.
Um, also, I have to fly quite a
bit, and this happens.
This happens.
Have you ever had to be on one
of those little, tiny, small
planes?
planes when there's only, like,
seven people on the plane?
I had to take one a little while
ago, and the airline that I was
flying on was called Bearskin
Airlines, which, at first, I was
like, "Oh, sexy."
Uh, but it's not.
It's not sexy.
I thought it was gonna be big,
shirtless, hairy guys bringing
me drinks.
No. Just terrifying. That's it.
And there's something you need
to remember in your travels,
everybody.
If you ever get onto the stairs
of your aircraft, and the whole
fuckin' plane moves... no, not a
good idea.
Yeah. I'm serious.
I got on the stairs, and the
plane... it tipped on me.
I'm, like... (humming)
(screaming)
The whole plane.
Seriously. I had to get someone
to put their foot down so I
could get on it.
"Hold it.
Hold the plane."
And then I got on.
Scary stuff, everyone.
And the worst part about this,
all right, is that six people on
the plane, but there's another
board the plane, all right?
I panicked. I panicked.
You've had that moment, waiting
for an elevator, haven't you?
Yeah, two women my size show up
for the same elevator, and you
start to do math in your head.
I know you do it.
I know you do it.
I know you do it!
You're, like, "2,500. Oh, my!"
(laughter)
"Carry the two! Carry the two!"
It's scary.
It's a scary moment.
And that happens to me.
That's like an elevator
shootout.
Do you know what I mean?
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"Debra Digiovanni: Single, Awkward, Female" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2021. Web. 25 Feb. 2021. <https://www.scripts.com/script/debra_digiovanni:_single,_awkward,_female_6615>.