Dara O Briain: Craic Dealer Page #5

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- LAUGHTER

Possible...

Giants are coming into...

"Hello. I want to buy a bed.

"I can't go in the door for I am seven foot tall

"and also seven foot wide."

LAUGHTER:

"I am a giant who likes group sex. Please...

"Please, can I find a bed that is large enough for me

"and the many women I lure back to it?"

What kind of sexy basketball players are hanging

around in Dunblane looking for beds to ship women through?

What is the target market for a seven foot...?

49 square feet of bed.

There are flats in London you would just use that as carpet.

Just push it through the door - thump.

How great would that be?

"Honey, do you want to come home? This is my house, this is my house."

Boing.

That'd be great.

How high is the bed? Does it have things underneath it?

Does it have drawers and shelves - can you hide?

- If you want to, yeah.

- Do people ever hide?

Do you ever do hide and seek during the day?

When somebody goes into a cupboard, they go, "Boo!

"I'm here, Keith. Ah-ha-ha-ha!"

You see, it's not the most business-minded conversation

you have with people about what they do.

Have you ever sold a seven foot bed?

You have? How big was the person you sold the seven foot by seven foot bed to?

He was five feet three.

He was five foot three!

LAUGHTER:

Lying on the bed, just swirling around.

Stars, crucifix - every possible shape.

I'm going to sleep this way and this way.

Was he single or was he married?

He was married.

And was the wife nine foot eight?

He could have slept in one corner in a foetal position

while she slept like a starfish.

Was she a starfish? Did he marry a giant starfish?

She was six foot and she was Russian.

She was six foot and she was Russian.

I love the details you know.

LAUGHTER:

Typical of those Russians coming in here and demanding huge beds.

They're like that, the Russians.

Are there any Russians in the room tonight?

- ONE MAN SHOUTS OUT

- Good. What are the f***ing chances that that's a Russian?

What are the chances? Going "Hey, yeah, I'm Russian."

Via Leith.

So you genuinely are Russian?

Is your chair large enough for you at the moment,

or do you wish to spread out?

So to impress the Russian wife, he had the bed, very good.

Are you related to Keith, that lad there?

And do you work in the same industry?

- Do you work in a big company or a little company?

- I've got my own.

You've got your own company.

Lads, this is impressive.

It's like the Dunblane Small Business Association night out.

LAUGHTER:

It's like the Chamber of Commerce.

Promoting local industry in the Dunblane area.

How many people do you employ, my friend?

- Eh, 18.

- 18!

Don't look down on him!

LAUGHTER:

What does the company do?

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