Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts

Synopsis: Following his acclaimed debut special Completely Serious, Daniel, host of Comedy Central's hit show Tosh.0, headed to San Francisco to take on pop culture, sports, religion and politics in his latest stand-up special.
Genre: Comedy
 
IMDB:
7.6
NOT RATED
Year:
2011
60 min
92 Views

[rock music]

[cheers and applause]

- THANK YOU...

SAN FRANCISCO.

ALL RIGHT,

YOU'RE RUINING THE SHOW.

[cheers and applause continue]

THANK YOU...

FOR CLAPPING:

FOR WHAT MY PARENTS

ARE ASHAMED OF.

OH, SAN FRANCISCO.

YES.

[cheers and applause]

OH...

MY THIRD FAVORITE CITY

TO DO COMEDY IN.

HUH?

THAT'S NOT BAD, RIGHT?

TOP TEN.

CONGRATULATIONS.

AW, MORE BUTT[bleep]

PER SQUARE FOO THAN IN ANY PLACE

IN THE WORLD.

THAT'S YOU GUYS.

THAT'S YOU.

[cheers and applause]

PUT THAT ON YOUR POSTCARDS.

"SAN FRANCISCO:

"MORE BUTT[bleep]

PER SQUARE FOOT.

MISS YOU."

ALL RIGHT.

IF I OFFEND ANYBODY TONIGHT,

I APOLOGIZE.

THAT'S NOT MY INTENTION.

I'M NOT GONNA GUESS WHAT YOUR

PERSONAL LINE OF DECENCY IS.

I CROSS MY OWN:

FROM TIME TO TIME.

IT'S HOW I KNOW

I STILL HAVE ONE.

ALL RIGHT.

I HAVE NO PROBLEM

WITH ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION

IN THIS COUNTRY:

EXCEPT FOR THE FAC THAT THEY DON'T SERVE

ON JURY DUTY.

THAT'S HORSE [bleep].

IT SHOULD BE:

THE OTHER WAY AROUND.

THEY SHOULD SERVE EXCLUSIVELY

ON JURY DUTY.

YEAH.

[cheers and applause]

THEN IT FINALLY WOULD BE

A JURY OF ONE'S OWN PEERS.

[crowd groaning]

[laughter and applause]

IT'S NOT A STEREOTYPE

IF IT'S ALWAYS TRUE.

YEAH, THEN IT BECOMES LAW.

THAT JOKE IS CALLED

"LATINOS ARE CRIMINALS."

THAT'S JUST THE TITLE.

IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

SOMETIMES BEFORE

I WALK ON STAGE,

MY GIRLFRIEND MIGHT SAY,

"HAVE A GOOD SHOW. BREAK A LEG."

THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID

TO ME A FEW WEEKS AGO

RIGHT BEFORE I WALKED

ON STAGE.

SHE GOES, "HEY, YOU EVER WORRY

ABOUT GETTING SHO WHEN YOU'RE OUT THERE?"

I'M LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL

IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

SHE FOLLOWED IT WITH,

"YOU SHOULD MOVE AROUND MORE."

UH, YOU SHOULD GO BACK

TO READING YOUR VAMPIRE BOOKS.

[laughter and cheers]

I SHOULD MOVE AROUND MORE?

AS IF A SNIPER:

WOULD GET FRUSTRATED.

LIKE...

"I CAN'T KEEP UP.

HE LIVES."

A LOT OF TIMES, PEOPLE COMPLAIN

THAT THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER

TAKES TOO LONG TO GET READY

TO GO OUT AT NIGHT.

I'VE NEVER HAD THAT COMPLAINT.

AND I THINK IT'S BECAUSE

I NEVER WANT TO GO ANYWHERE.

SO I COULD CARE LESS HOW LONG

IT TAKES HER TO GET READY.

THAT'S JUST LESS TIME

I HAVE TO SPEND:

WITH HER HORRIBLE FRIENDS

PRETENDING:

THAT I DON'T WAN TO KILL MYSELF.

YEAH.

[cheers and applause]

SHE'LL TAKE AN HOUR AND A HALF

TO GET READY,

COME DOWN AND BE LIKE,

"OH, MY GOODNESS.

YOU ARE SO PATIENT."

AND I'LL BE LIKE, "FOR WHAT?

YOU LOOK DISGUSTING."

RIGHT? YEAH.

NOW SHE'S CRYING.

WHATEVER.

I BOUGHT MYSELF AN EXTRA

TWO HOURS TO WATCH THE GAME.

YEAH.

YEAH.

IT'S NOT LIKE

SHE'S GONNA BREAK UP WITH ME.

SHE'S TEN YEARS YOUNGER.

SHE'S ONE OPINION AWAY

FROM BEING REPLACED.

I CAN SAY THAT.

I HAVE A TELEVISION SHOW.

YEAH.

THE POWER IN OUR HOUSEHOLD

HAS SHIFTED DRAMATICALLY.

NOW, IF YOU'RE FOLLOWING ME

ON TWITTER,

YOU KNOW:

I HAD DIARRHEA TODAY.

AM I USING THAT WEBSITE

PROPERLY?

SOMETIMES I LIKE TO SI ON THE TOILET IN REVERSE.

"WE'RE LISTENING."

IT'S NICE, RIGHT?

YOU CAN TURN AROUND.

YOU CAN LEAN ON THE TANK.

I'M GONNA BE HERE FOR A WHILE.

YEAH, THE PEOPLE THAT ARE

CLAPPING RIGHT NOW,

THEY'RE THE ONES LIKE,

"OKAY, ALL KIDDING ASIDE,

"HE IS A GENIUS.

"NO, NO, NO, NO.

IT'S THE SIMPLICITY.

"I'VE BEEN SITTING

ON THAT THING MY WHOLE LIFE.

"YOU'RE TELLING ME

I COULD TURN AROUND,

"HAVE A BOWL OF CEREAL,

YEAH?

"SET THE ALARM

TEN MINUTES LATER.

MULTITASK."

ALL RIGHT, NOBODY SHOULD EA WHILE ON THE TOILET.

"BUT I'M LACTOSE INTOLERANT,

AND I'VE ALWAYS WANTED

TO ENJOY A BOWL OF PUFFINS

WITH WHOLE MILK."

THAT'S MORE

OF AN ALMOND MILK CEREAL,

BUT LIVE YOUR DREAM.

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Daniel Tosh

Daniel Dwight Tosh (born May 29, 1975) is an American comedian, television host, actor, writer, and executive producer. He is known for his deliberately offensive and controversial style of black comedy, as the host of the Comedy Central television show Tosh.0, and as the star of stand-up comedy tours and specials. more…

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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"Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2019. Web. 25 Aug. 2019. <https://www.scripts.com/script/daniel_tosh%3A_happy_thoughts_6293>.

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