Crimes of Passion

Adam and eve

just had sex, right?

And god says to adam,

"where's eve?"

So adam says, "she's down

at the stream washing off. "

And god says, "damn, now i'll never

get that smell out of those fish!"

You really think

that's funny, don't you?

I bet every man here

thinks that's funny.

Ease up, huh?

All of you.

Women. Christ.

Gettin' to be

a real pain in the ass.

I don't know what's wrong with the way it used

to be when you just did what you were told.

F*** you, hopper.

I do, every night,

me and my jar of vaseline.

I could f*** any woman i want. I

don't even have to make her come.

Reallyi'd rather get f***ed by a

vibrator than your cock any day.

It's honest, loving,

and i don't have to make

breakfast for it in the morning.

You remind me of my ex-wife.

She had an answer for everything.

Like whenever people would ask her

what i did, she'd say, "he struggles. "

You guys. You all think

you're the victim.

Hey, wait a minute. I think

we're takin' a bum rap here.

I happen to be

a very giving lover.

Yeah, you're giving, all right.

You gave half the city the clap.

All right. Enough.

Mr. Grady, you've been

awfully quiet.

I know it's your first

night with the group,

but, uh, is there

anything you'd like to say?

No, i, uh-

i just came as a guest. My buddy

hopper over here brought me.

I know, but surely you must have

something to say about all this.

I mean, you are

planning to stay with us?

Mewhy me?

I'm- i'm happy.

Been married to the same woman

for 11 years.

Been together ever since

high school. We have two kids.

Cut the crap. You wouldn't be here

if something wasn't buggin' you.

I told you. I'm here with

hopper. I have a great marriage.

I don't understand

all these...

hang-ups with you people.

I've never cheated on my wife in the

whole ten years we've been married.

I thought it was 11.

I've never met a man yet

who'd admit he was a lousy lay.

What's that supposed to mean? You

think everything has to do with sex?

Admit it. You're a lousy lay,

and she's learned to accept it.

Like we all had to.

Sing it.

Wait a minute. Now, you think i'm a

lousy lay. Is that what you're saying?

You got it.

I am not the one who complains

how tired i am every night.

Getting her to make love is like

asking her to run the boston marathon,

and then those times that we

actually do go through with it,

i don't know whether

to embrace her or embalm her.

So don't tell me

that i'm a lousy lay-

what am i saying?

What the hell am i doing here?

Well, thank you,

ladies and gentlemen.

I'm grateful

from the bottom of my heart.

It is truly an honor

to be named miss liberty 1984.

I have dreamed of this moment

all my life,

and i promise i shall

carry the name...

with dignity and with pride.

I will always serve

my country...

and be a shining beacon of hope

to nations the world over,

spreadin' the true spirit

of freedom and liberty...

that is america.

Oh, we're very proud

of you, miss liberty.

What do you plan to do

with your scholarship money?

Well, i plan

to study music, sir.

Music, do you saywhat kind

of instrument do you play?

I play the flute, sir,

in honor of our forefathers...

who died at concord

and lexington.

Would you like to see how

miss liberty plays the flute?

Oh, yes. Yes, very much.

First,

i unzip the case.

And then i take out

the instrument very carefully.

I'm very gentle. And then i

run my little hand all over it.

Up and down...

and up and down.

And then I-

i fondle it so softly,

so softly.

Mmm, i love

the look of it.

Oh, i love

the feel of it.

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