Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump
- TV-MA
- Year:
- 2011
- 65 min
- 964 Views
1
All aboard!
We are high priests. Warlocks.
We're Vatican assassins.
This rock star
must make them weep.
I'm an f-18, bro.
I'm going off the rails
on a crazy train
I'm going off the rails
on a crazy train
This is the Comedy Central
Roast of Charlie Sheen,
brought to you
by Axe body spray
And now, please welcome
your roastmaster,
Seth MacFarlane.
Ladies and gentlemen...
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
I'm Seth MacFarlane,
and, yes, the big night
is finally here.
Welcome to the Comedy Central
Roast of Charlie Sheen.
Yes, we're here tonight
a man who was great
Charlie Sheen.
Actually,
there's a lot of Sheen on TV
this evening
when this show airs.
Tonight on Two and a Half Men,
they're actually having
Charlie's pretend funeral,
believe it or not.
There's no need
to switch over, though.
Just wait a few months.
You can probably
see the real thing.
I mean, we all know
there's a good chance
Charlie will be dead soon,
so I wrote an o--
an obituary.
"Charlie Sheen,
"due to his problems
with drugs and alcohol,
was found dead
in his apartment--"
Actually, you know what?
I kind of actually just copied
Amy Winehouse's obituary.
It's--it's--I only had
to change three things, though.
The sex of the deceased,
the location of the body,
and the part that says,
"a talent that will be missed."
We love Charlie!
All right.
So I know Tyson's
not gonna kick
the sh*t out of me.
That's good news.
So we're gonna take a few pokes
at him here tonight,
but there is no denying
that Charlie Sheen is an icon.
You've seen him on TV.
You've seen him in movies.
And if you're a prostitute,
you've seen him point
a gun at your face
while you try to get him hard.
Let's take a look back
at the work
that paid for all that cocaine.
Gentlemen...
He's back.
Hey, buddy.
And they're off and running.
Now cool off.
Oh, I am cool.
You should see me when I'm hot.
What are you looking at?
What are you smiling at, huh?
How many yachts
can you water-ski behind?
How much is enough?
- I am your daughter.
- No, you're not.
- Aah!
- Gah!
Are too, too, too, too, too...
Not, not, not, not, not, not...
"Are too" times ten.
Tiger blood.
Yes, it's real.
It's as real as me.
It's the eye of the tiger
it's the thrill
of the fight
rising up to the challenge
of our rivals
We got warrants!
We're the law!
- Golf clap?
- Golf clap.
And he's watching us
all with the eye
of the tiger
Some are saying
that you're bipolar.
I'm bi-winning.
Winning!
Charlie Sheen has got
to be on drugs again.
- Sure.
- Drugs?
I am on a drug.
Reminder--
tiger blood.
With a shot
of tiger blood...
Winner, winner, chicken
dinner--I don't think so.
Winner, winner, Sheen dinner!
Winning.
Pretty [bleep] cool, huh?
we are unable
to show you a scene
from Two and a Half Men
at this time.
Strike this mother[bleep] out.
Wild thing delivers.
Wild thing
you make my heart sing
You are the sexiest man
I have ever laid eyes on.
Check.
Come on, come on,
wild thing
You know, I've lived
a pretty wild life,
with the drinking
and the hookers and the drugs
and the hookers.
Ugh.
You're such a pig.
You know, usually
I have to date a woman
before she treats me this way.
There's my life.
Deal with it.
It's on. Bring it.
Winning. Buh-bye.
And now, ladies and gentlemen,
it's time to bring out
the man of the hour.
He went from
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Please welcome
the rock star from Mars,
Charlie Sheen.
Wow. Wow!
Wow! Wow!
Wow.
Wow, wow, wow.
Wow.
Unbelievable.
Thank you. Thank you.
Have fun.
Slash!
- How are you, Seth?
- Charlie.
Ahh.
Thank you.
There he sits,
the man of the hour.
Charlie, you claim
to have tiger blood,
but with all the porn stars
you've banged,
it's probably just
Tiger Woods' blood,
I'm guessing.
You have a lot of nicknames
for yourself.
You say you're
a Vatican assassin,
whatever that is.
Charlie, the Vatican
does not have assassins.
No.
If they want
to shut someone up,
they just buy 'em ice cream
and tell 'em if they talk,
Jesus will kill their parents.
Now, as you may know,
Charlie Sheen
is not his birth name.
is seor drugs.
Kidding aside, though,
Carlos Estevez
took his dad's name,
yes, to gain credibility
as an actor.
I've seen your films,
and you don't really act
like a Sheen.
But, you know,
with your rap sheet
and briefcases of coke,
you're definitely
acting like a Carlos.
Charlie went on
to star in TV and film,
both drama and comedy.
He was the star of Hot Shots...
Which is also
what Charlie feels
when he takes a piss.
and Emilio should do a follow-up
to the movie Men at Work,
and you can call it
"Men Who Don't Work Anymore."
Right?
That would be...
I'll help--
I'll help you write that.
But, uh, of course
a very public meltdown
changed the landscape.
It's interesting,
when you think about
tells you all you really
need to know about Hollywood.
You can abuse drugs.
You can abuse your spouse.
You can solicit prostitutes.
But don't you ever, ever
call a Jewish guy
So, now Charlie
is a self-contained unit.
He is dependent upon no man
and no thing...
Except crack, jack, crank,
meth, ludes,
Vicodin, blow, acid,
uppers, poppers,
"E," nitrous, dust, hash,
and this one boner medicine
from Norway.
He's the reason
a dick with cocaine on it
is called a "sheenis."
Wow.
Wow.
He's still with us,
Charlie Sheen.
In fact, Charlie just celebrated
his 46th birthday...
Thank you.
Thank you.
A statement no one thought
we would ever hear--
kind of like,
"Get Jeselnik on the phone."
Or...
Or "Jeff Ross'll pay for it."
Or Jon Lovitz saying,
"one [bleep] at a time, please."
Charlie allegedly
made a prostitute cry
at the Plaza hotel.
I want to tell you though,
Charlie, I think she's lying.
'Cause I saw the scene
where you got arrested
in Wall Street.
You can't even
make yourself cry.
But, you know, with all those
"Dangerous Jobs" shows on TV,
like the ones about crab
fishing, ice-road trucking,
why is there no show
about the most dangerous
job out there--
Being an escort
for Charlie Sheen?
How long must we wait
for the first season
of Deadliest Snatch?
I'm ready to see that right--
right now.
Honestly, Charlie,
I never thought
I would live to see the night
that you would live
to see this night.
I really didn't.
And now our first roaster,
Jon Lovitz.
He was one of the stars
that the critics have hailed
as "not the worst."
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome the star
of "Two and a Half Chins,"
one of my favorite
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"Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 3 Oct. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/comedy_central_roast_of_donald_trump_5799>.
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