Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump

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1

All aboard!

We are high priests. Warlocks.

We're Vatican assassins.

This rock star

must make them weep.

I'm an f-18, bro.

I'm going off the rails

on a crazy train

I'm going off the rails

on a crazy train

This is the Comedy Central

Roast of Charlie Sheen,

brought to you

by Axe body spray

and FIFA Soccer 12.

And now, please welcome

your roastmaster,

Seth MacFarlane.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Good evening,

ladies and gentlemen.

I'm Seth MacFarlane,

and, yes, the big night

is finally here.

Welcome to the Comedy Central

Roast of Charlie Sheen.

Yes, we're here tonight

to honor and hopefully arrest

a man who was great

in two things 25 years ago,

Charlie Sheen.

Actually,

there's a lot of Sheen on TV

this evening

when this show airs.

Tonight on Two and a Half Men,

they're actually having

Charlie's pretend funeral,

believe it or not.

There's no need

to switch over, though.

Just wait a few months.

You can probably

see the real thing.

I mean, we all know

there's a good chance

Charlie will be dead soon,

so I wrote an o--

an obituary.

"Charlie Sheen,

who became a tabloid fixture

"due to his problems

with drugs and alcohol,

was found dead

in his apartment--"

Actually, you know what?

I kind of actually just copied

Amy Winehouse's obituary.

It's--it's--I only had

to change three things, though.

The sex of the deceased,

the location of the body,

and the part that says,

"a talent that will be missed."

We love Charlie!

All right.

So I know Tyson's

not gonna kick

the shit out of me.

That's good news.

So we're gonna take a few pokes

at him here tonight,

but there is no denying

that Charlie Sheen is an icon.

You've seen him on TV.

You've seen him in movies.

And if you're a prostitute,

you've seen him point

a gun at your face

while you try to get him hard.

Let's take a look back

at the work

that paid for all that cocaine.

Gentlemen...

He's back.

Hey, buddy.

And they're off and running.

Now cool off.

Oh, I am cool.

You should see me when I'm hot.

What are you looking at?

What are you smiling at, huh?

How many yachts

can you water-ski behind?

How much is enough?

- I am your daughter.

- No, you're not.

- Aah!

- Gah!

Are too, too, too, too, too...

Not, not, not, not, not, not...

"Are too" times ten.

Tiger blood.

Yes, it's real.

It's as real as me.

It's the eye of the tiger

it's the thrill

of the fight

rising up to the challenge

of our rivals

We got warrants!

We're the law!

- Golf clap?

- Golf clap.

And he's watching us

all with the eye

of the tiger

Some are saying

that you're bipolar.

I'm bi-winning.

Winning!

Charlie Sheen has got

to be on drugs again.

- Sure.

- Drugs?

I am on a drug.

It's called Charlie Sheen.

Reminder--

tiger blood.

With a shot

of tiger blood...

Winner, winner, chicken

dinner--I don't think so.

Winner, winner, Sheen dinner!

Winning.

Pretty [bleep] cool, huh?

Due to pending legal action,

we are unable

to show you a scene

from Two and a Half Men

at this time.

Strike this mother[bleep] out.

Wild thing delivers.

Wild thing

you make my heart sing

You are the sexiest man

I have ever laid eyes on.

Check.

Come on, come on,

wild thing

You know, I've lived

a pretty wild life,

with the drinking

and the hookers and the drugs

and the hookers.

Ugh.

You're such a pig.

You know, usually

I have to date a woman

before she treats me this way.

There's my life.

Deal with it.

It's on. Bring it.

Winning. Buh-bye.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

it's time to bring out

the man of the hour.

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