Comedy Central: Roast of Justin Bieber Page #4

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Gangsters don't throw

f***ing eggs!

Snoop, when the last time

you threw eggs

at somebody's Goddamn house?

We don't do that!

It's not gangster!

Justin--Justin sang the N-word

on a video

in a song that was

about killing black people!

That's pretty Goddamn gangster,

Justin, I'ma give you that.

That's as gangster as you get

right there.

He actually got

in a lot of trouble

when he got caught

saying the N-word on video.

That right there, that should

make you feel stupid.

Reason why I say that,

because you know who didn't

get caught, Justin?

The billion other white people

that say the N-word

every Goddamn day.

I'm talking about you, Martha.

I know you say it.

You probably thinking it

right now.

"Look at--Look at that

little n*gger up there

"in his little n*gger tux.

"With his little n*gger shoes.

Look at him,

up there dancing."

Thankfully,

Justin avoided the usual--

I guess you could say,

former childhood mistakes.

You know, he hasn't had

a sex tape.

That's good for you.

He hasn't killed anyone.

You haven't bought a monkey.

Oh, sh*t, you did.

You bought a monkey.

And you abandoned the monkey

in Germany.

What the f*** was that?

Like, you abandoned a monkey

in Germany.

That was a privileged

Beverly Hills monkey.

You showed him

your lifestyle,

and then you

dropped him off in Germany?

Now that monkey's turned out

in a Goddamn German zoo

sucking rhino dick

'cause of your bad decision.

It's not about the monkey

tonight.

It's about you, Justin.

What I want you to do,

I want you to sit back,

relax,

'cause it's gonna be

a great night, man--

Not for you,

for everybody else.

We're gonna have a blast.

It's on!

You hear me, people?

It is on!

(announcer) Coming up...

- Cameras are here, Jay, go!

(announcer) Natasha Leggero...

- I'm about to kill it.

(announcer) Pete Davidson,

Shaquille O'Neal...

- Full roast mode, baby.

(announcer) Jeff Ross...

- Getting in character.

- I'm ready.

(announcer) Chris D'Elia.

- Is Ludacris ready

- is what I want to know.

- I'm 100% prepared.

(announcer) Hannibal Buress,

Martha Stewart,

and Snoop Dogg.

- Naughty, naughty, naughty,

naughty.

(announcer) When The Roast of

Justin Bieber continues.

[techno music]

Are y'all ready to have

a good time tonight?

[cheers and applause]

That's what I want to hear.

Okay, our first roaster

is Pete Davidson.

Now, he's the newest member

of Saturday Night Live.

This introduction is way longer

than his Wikipedia page.

Guy from New York,

it's Pete Davidson.

[techno music]

Thank you.

It's an honor to be at a roast

hosted by Shaq's dick.

Wow. Wow, Ludacris

and Snoop Dogg are here.

If I was 38,

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