Chris Rock: Kill the Messenger - London, New York, Johannesburg

What's up?

Yeah!

Yeah!

What's up, Johannesburg?

What's up, New York?

What's up, London?

Ah! Yes, I'm in Jo'burg!

I finally made it!

Whoo! Now let's hope I make it

the f*** out of here.

Cos it is violent right about now!

And I ain't talking about the jungle.

Man, oh, man, it's good to be here, man!

It is so good to be here.

The first time

I'm ever playing Africa.

Africa, first time playing

Africa, South Africa.

I was on safari with my family,

out there taking pictures of the animals.

And you're driving around, and you

got this guy what you call the tracker.

The tracker is amazing

cos you just driving around

and the tracker goes,

"Stop, stop, stop, stop."

And you stop the jeep

and he leans down

and puts his finger

in some piss.

He's like...

"15 miles to the right should be zebra."

And you get there and there's zebra!

There's zebra! Wow! Zebra!

And you drivin' some more

and "Stop, stop, stop."

Then he leans down and picks up

a little sh*t pellet and...

"Mmm! Ah! Mmm..."

"13 miles to the left, rhinoceros."

And you get there and

there's a rhino right there!

You're like, "How the f***'s he do this sh*t?"

And it was beautiful.

I'm out there taking pictures of the rhino,

I took the pictures of the zebra.

And I was having a good time and I'm out

there with my family and I felt great,

till I looked over at another jeep

and I saw a bunch of white people

taking pictures of me.

I didn't see a...

Hey, I ain't no animal!

But they had a tracker

tracking my black ass.

Evidently, I musta dropped

some chicken or su'um at another spot,

and they're like, "Ah, chicken bone.

13 miles to the left, n*ggers will be there."

This is a crazy time, man.

This is the time to be onstage.

This is the time to do a special, man.

Cos this is a special time.

A lot's going on right now, that's right.

Big election year in the United States.

It ain't your election, but you paying

attention. You damn right you are.

That's right.

George Bush has f***ed up so bad...

he made it hard for a white man

to run for president.

People are like,

"Give me a black man, a white woman,

"a giraffe, a zebra,

anything but another white man!

"That last one f***ed up my roof."

Now who do we have running for president?

Who the hell is running for president?

We got two guys, man.

We got John McCain.

John McCain, 72 years old.

He was too old 10 years ago.

72!

He's so old, he used to own Sidney Poitier.

Come on, man. I don't need

a president with a bucket list.

72 years old!

My God. How many 72-year-old people

did you see today just doing sh*t?

72... Old people don't even use old people

to do sh*t.

Seventy-f***in'-two.

Two! You see he hired his nurse

to be his vice president too.

What the f*** is on her mind?

Sarah Palin, out there

shooting mooses and sh*t,

and holding up the moose and sh*t.

I see her holding a dead moose,

I'm like, "What the f*** is

Michael Vick in jail for?"

She shot a moose!

What the f***?

My God!

John McCain, how you gonna

make decisions about the future

when you ain't gonna be here?

He's old!

The motherf***er's too old.

When you die at 72,

no matter what you die of,

it's natural causes.

Even if you get hit by a truck,

it's natural causes.

Cos if you was younger,

you'd have got out the way.

Then, you know, you got a real choice, man,

Barack or McCain.

They tryin' to...

McCain just got that old story.

This motherf***er been telling the

same story for 40 f***in' years.

He a war hero.

He a war hero.

He a war hero...

that got captured.

There's a lot of guys

in jail that got captured.

Sh*t.

F*** that. I don't want to vote

for nobody that got captured.

I want to vote for the motherf***er

that got away.

That's what we got, man.

So who's he running up against?

Barack Obama.

Barack Obama, man.

Barack Obama!

Yes! Black man!

With a black name.

I know it ain't that black here, but in America,

that's about as black as a name could get.

Barack Obama.

That's right next to

Dekimbe Mutombo.

That's right, Barack, man,

he don't let his blackness sneak up on you.

If his name was Bob Jones or something,

it might take you two or three weeks

to realise he black.

But as soon as you hear

"Barack Obama",

you expect to see

a brother with a spear...

just standing on top of a dead lion.

Barack Obama!

You expect to see the bass player

from The Commodores come out.

I'm not talking about Lionel Richie.

I'm talking about them

shining n*ggers behind him.

Barack Obama. We ain't never seen a brother

like Barack Obama.

Nice-looking brother, young. Young!

Every time I see Barack, I'm like,

"So when you getting back with New Edition?"

This young brother. My God.

And Barack is so calm and cool.

Sometimes I think he doesn't even realise

he's the black candidate.

Like he thinks he could

win this thing fair and square.

Like he thinks having the most votes

is gonna mean su'um.

Sh*t!

They will change this whole system

on his black ass overnight?

You better ask the Indians

about white men and rules.

They will change all this sh*t.

With a straight face too.

"Hey, man, you got the most votes.

"Too bad you lost.

"That's how we used to do it. Ha-ha!

"We don't really count votes

that much no more."

They don't give a f***, boy.

And they in Barack's ass.

Whoever Barack know is being investigated.

If you know Barack Obama,

they are tapping your phone right now.

They are in your ass.

And that's where McCain has the advantage

cos all his friends are dead.

Yeah, man, but this whole election is so...

is so weird.

Just the way they report on it,

the way they cover it.

Everything's so racial, racial, racial.

"How many white people are voting?

How many working-class white people?

"How many white people over 4'8"

are voting for Obama?"

You know?

And the crazy thing is,

whenever white people vote for Barack Obama,

which is a lot of the time, they go,

"Well, you know, they listened to the issues

"and they felt Obama spoke to their issues.

"They went over the issues,

they weighed the pros and cons,

"and they felt that Obama

spoke to their issues."

And whenever black people

vote for Barack, they go,

"Well, they black, he black,

I guess that's why."

Like we don't even have

names on our ballots and sh*t.

Like it's just scratch 'n' sniff on our ballots.

Like it's just pictures of milkshakes.

"No. Strawberry?

No, chocolate! Chocolate.

"I vote chocolate.

That's what I want."

Don't get me wrong.

Don't get me wrong.

We are very excited

about Barack Obama.

Black people are very excited

about Barack Obama.

But we're not just voting

for him cos he's black.

We're voting for him

because he's black and qualified.

That's why we're voting

for the motherf***er, yeah!

That's... That's why we behind him.

You know, it's not like

we're voting for Flavor Flav.

Yeah, boy!

Flavor Flav!

I love Flavor. Loved him for 20 years.

I love the Flavor Of Love show.

I think it's quite entertaining.

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