Chris Rock: Bigger & Blacker

Ladies and gentlemen...

live from the world-famous Apollo Theater...

in Harlem, New York.

Are you ready?

Please welcome Mr. Chris Rock!

What's up...

New York?

There's Brooklyn in the house.

Well, l'm from Brooklyn.

Sh*t, look at this.

White people are up top tonight.

You know, l was just in my hotel,

a little while ago, on my way here...

and l got in the elevator, right?

l'm getting in the elevator...

and these two high-school white boys

try to get on with me...

and l just dove off.

l said, ''Y'all ain't killing me!''

l am scared of young white boys.

lf you white and under 21,

l am running for the hills.

What the hell is wrong with these white kids

shooting up the school?

They don't even wait till 3:00, either.

Killing people in the morning.

That ain't right.

The Trenchcoat Mafia.

''No one will play with us.

''We have no friends.

We're the Trenchcoat Mafia.''

Hey, l saw the yearbook pictures.

lt was six of them.

l didn't have six friends in high school.

l don't got six friends now.

Sh*t, that's three-on-three with a half court.

What the hell is wrong with these kids?

l got people telling me, ''Come on, Chris.

Come up to a school. Talk to the kids.''

l'm like, ''F*** the kids!

''Do you got a vest?

Maybe l'll think about it.''

Everybody wants to know

what the kids was listening to.

What kind of music was they listening to?

Or what kind of movies was they watching?

Who gives a f*** what they was watching?

Whatever happened to crazy?

What happened to crazy?

What, you can't be crazy no more?

Did we eliminate ''crazy''

from the dictionary?

F*** the records. F*** the movies. Crazy!

When l was a kid, they used to separate

the crazy kids from everybody.

When l was a kid, the crazy kids

went to school in a little-ass bus.

They had a class at the end of the school...

and they used to get out of school at 2:30.

Just in case they went crazy...

they would only hurt other crazy kids.

And we was all safe.

We was all safe.

Damn, the world's coming to an end.

You'll have little white kids saying:

''l want to go to a black school

where it's safe.''

That's right, man.

And everybody's talking about gun control,

got to get rid of the guns.

F*** that. l like guns.

You got a gun, you don't have to work out.

l ain't working out. l ain't jogging.

You got pecs, l got Tecs.

F*** that sh*t.

You don't need no gun control.

You know what you need?

We need some bullet control.

Man, we need to control the bullets,

that's right.

l think all bullets should cost $5,000.

$5,000 for a bullet. You know why?

'Cause if a bullet costs $5,000,

there'd be no more innocent bystanders.

That'd be it.

Every time someone gets shot, people will

be like, ''Damn, he must have did something.

''Sh*t, they put $50,000 worth of bullets

in his ass.''

People would think before

they killed somebody, if a bullet cost $5,000.

''Man, l would blow your f***ing head off,

if l could afford it.

''l'm gonna get me another job,

l'm gonna start saving some money...

''and you're a dead man.

''You better hope

l can't get no bullets on layaway.''

So even if you get shot by a stray bullet...

you won't have to go to no doctor

to get it taken out.

Whoever shot you

would take their bullet back.

''l believe you got my property.''

That's right, man.

See, everybody blames the kids

as f***ing crazy.

Everybody wants to be mad at the kids

for shooting up the school.

What about the parents? The parents.

The parents is really f***ed up, man.

Their damn parents need to go to jail

for some of this f***ing sh*t, man.

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