Carry on Dick Page #4

WOMAN:
Rector!

- Oh, blast.

- Yes, Miss Hoggett?

- Rector, the wedding party has arrived.

(Baby cries)

So I hear. Would you please

start playing the wedding music?

- Very well, Rector. The usual march?

- Fight The Good Fight.

Very good, Rector.

Tonight we're going to go to the Old Cock Inn.

Are you game?

Oh, yes, sir!

Ooh, I'd do anything for you.

You know that.

Do you mean that? Anything?

Anything.

Well, in that case...

Yes?

Go and... pump the organ.

Oh.

(Bawdy laughter)

Evening, ma'am.

Don't you "evening" me!

What are my girls doing down here?

I don't know. I haven't been watching 'em.

You know my orders!

They are only allowed down here to perform.

- I thought that's what they were doing.

- That's enough.

Back to your room, all of you!

Go on.

(Shouts of protest)

You ought to know better

after all my careful training.

Go on, get up them stairs!

You minx, madam. Go on!

(Drunken jeers)

I am warning you lot for the last time.

This is for the next man who tries to make free

with one of my girls!

- I wouldn't fancy a poke with that.

- What did you say?

Your blade, ma'am.

You handle it too expertly for my liking.

I shouldn't worry.

You don't look as if you've got much to lose.

Ha-ha! Much to lose!

Shut up.

Remember, we're supposed to be criminals.

Try to act like one.

Give us your tuppence and be off.

Tuppence for a quart?

Daylight bloody robbery, that's what it is.

Bloody prices round here.

Two porters please, landlord.

Hello, sir. Room all right?

It'll do. One can't be too particular

when one's on the run.

Is the law after you, sir?

After him?

You've obviously never heard of

Dandy Desmond.

- Randy who?

- Dandy!

Dandy Desmond.

He's wanted for robbery in six counties.

It's a great honour to have you with us, then, sir.

If I can do anything for you,

- don't you forget to give me the nod.

- There is something.

I'm very anxious to meet this highwayman

I've heard so much about.

What is it you call him? The Big Dick?

- You mean Turpin?

- Ah, that's him, yes. Do you know him?

No, sir, nobody does...

except old Maggie over there.

She claims Big Dick

went to her for treatment once.

He must have been hard up at the time.

Ha-ha!

No, sir, not that sort of treatment.

She's the local midwife.

Midwife? What on earth

could have been wrong with him?

Maybe it was his birthday.

- Birthday, ha-ha, ha!

- Shut up.

Come along.

What on earth possessed you to give me

a name like Dandy Desmond?

I don't know. It just sort of popped out.

It does seem to suit you.

Wanted in six counties? With a name like that,

they'll be wondering what for.

I was only trying to help.

In future, kindly leave the talking to me.

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